jokes I have undercooked recently

(probably on twitter)

21. Nuclear war, anarchy, cannibalism the new norm, French luck out because they have to say "bone appetit" now but pronunciation stays the same

20. Sing to me, o Muse, the tale of Icarus, who flew too high, and had his pilot's license suspended for six months and his weed confiscated.

19. Between Speed and Speed 2: SANDRA: "Hon, can you get the sausage from the fridge--" KEANU: [shoots the sausage] SANDRA: "We're breaking up."

18. The Minivan Rear Window Family Stick Figure Decals of Dorian Grey

17. Tip for parents: slang is key to communicating with your kids. Encourage them to stay in school by shouting "STAY CLASSY".

16. Monkey #1: "Bro I just pooped out my breakfast totally undigested." Monkey #2: "This. Shit. Is. BANANAS."

15. Biloxi Blues Clues

14. Film pitch: A young Bruce Wayne's parents are killed in an alley after a family viewing of Batman. "Zorroborous"

13. Girl did it hurt being developed over decades by a cabal of underground drug scientists because you are super dope.

12. You just spilled beer on the wrong atheist, bro. The only reason you didn't just wake the demon is that they don't exist.

11. Teenagers in the Forgotten Realms, lingering covertly over the mail-order brazier ads

10. Are you there, God? It's me, Margaret. Look, I know you're there. Pick up the phone. Pick up the phooooooooo--

9. "I need a campaign slogan." "What's your platform?" "Unbalanced watercraft and weatherproofing for all." "Tippy Canoe and Tyvek Too."

8. You go around a circle, tapping heads and saying "jar", then you say "binks" and they have to jump up and ruin Star Wars.

7. "Did you hear that guy orating about golf?" "No! Was it a good speech?" "Yes, I thought it was very well putt."

6. At a certain point you realize that we're all now actually *living* in a William Gibson guest episode of The X-Files.

5. "You're grounded, missy!" "But what about the furry con? My Atlas Shrugged book group? Ass Fest 2014?!" "Sorry. No yiffs, Rands, or butts."

4. Hot new thing: "depplauding", expressing scorn by gently putting your hands together and then violently pulling them away from each other.

3. *pushes glasses up* "Well actually you should refer to him as Roy Lichtenstein's *Monster*, he was created in a lab by..."

2. I'm a scary guy? How'm I scary. Scary like a clown? I'm like a clown to you, like a traumatic childhood birthday clown? HOW'M I SCARY, HOW'M

1. So she gets home early from dungeon crawling, and walks in on him in bed with a mimic. And he shouts, "honey, it's not what it looks like!"