Contents

soundcloud	youtube	github
./games	./interesting_pages	./music_theory

#9: October 13th, 2023

I definitely notice myself stagnating with idle freedom. Nothing seems to grab me, the hobbies all lose their meaning- something productive and challenging must actively be done to keep the apathy away. Previously it was learning cybersecurity. Sometimes studying math. For a week, I was obsessively reading about fasting. It feels exhilirating to be earnestly interested in something, but it's very difficult to keep it up without defaulting to one's usual lethargic nothings. Either way, it seems there's no point to these endless days of freedom if I'm not consistently challenged. Have to find something like that, again. Have to be able to choose something like that, without letting the anxiety of the passing of time paralyse you.

#8: July 25th, 2023

The internet is already over, written more eloquently than I could ever attempt to. The plastic commodified capital of the world- Youtube, Reddit, Instagram, and a few others. Giant corporations vie for total control, the interconnected sea where all ports are closed and search engines succumb to infinite SEO entropy. Where no one's thoughts are hosted where no one will ever find them. This is the escape of a single generation, fueled entirely by nostalgia. But what worthwhile thoughts can be found here, either? We can escape Facebook and then write about the importance of FOSS on tiny sites whose userbase can be counted on a few hands, where soft and advertiser-friendly community is replaced by no community at all. A blog with three posts, each apologising for not posting much. A blog on the insincerity of social media.

What can even be done? I've looked at places. The boards are dead and dying and everyone is just sad and angry there. The self-hosted pages have nothing on them. All of humanity lives on five single-page applications, in locked-down mobile environments, and we huddle around a dwindling fire in the dark.

Well, ideally, thriving hosting communities, webrings, email correspondence, decentralisation, and we might feel some kind of community. I wonder how many people still remember customising their Youtube pages? I don't have anything to add here, in the middle of nowhere. I'll have to make more pages to feel like there's anything made by a human still on the internet.

#7: July 5th, 2023

On the musical-narrative climax and Masaaki Yuasa.

For a long time, I've thought that the best part of a movie that makes itself memorable is a narrative climax that is supported just as strongly by the music as the rest of the narrative. This is especially apparent in the movies of the 'outré' anime director, Masaaki Yuasa, whose perhaps best example of this is at the end of 'Mind Game' (2004), where the simple theme of 'seize the day' is made into a desperate cry of exuberance by the roaring drum solo as the visuals ramp to impossible intensity representing the characters' wills to live on. Or perhaps the most recent film, Inu-Oh (2021), where a 14th century biwa-players tale is given as an operatic rock epic with virtuosic gymnastics and ballet- the sun eclipsed, light shows that you'd be hard-pressed to deliver today, expanding far beyond possibility to tear at the heartstrings. Ping Pong (2014) and The Tatami Galaxy (2010) have similar ideas that promise to etch their finales into your mind with just their sense of joy for life and the accompanying music. And who can forget Lu Over the Wall (2017) with its entire climactic scene delivered in a heartfelt song, oozing in the youthful energy that the coming-of-age premise promises. Of course, the song is teased with little motifs and instrumental variations throughout the film into your subconscious so when it actually comes, you've got all the preparation to open up those tear ducts.

It helps that all of Yuasa's films are essentially about finding the joy in life and he goes pretty far to hammer the point in, by a crescendo of exaggeration that reminds me a little of Ravel's Bolero, hah. But in general, I find myself rewatching these huge, larger-than-life scenes pretty often, milking them for all the emotional content that they could possibly have. More directors should portray important events in their characters' lives with the grandeur that they subjectively deserve; reclaiming one's place in the world is larger than the world itself. Like in a scene of Paranoia Agent (2004) by the great Satoshi Kon.

Anyway, I was rewatching Inu-Oh's massive scene- which actually contains real gymnastics, like a Stalder Press- and thought to write this.

PS. Watch Yuasa's film The Night Is Short, Walk On Girl- it's fantastic. It's technically a spin-off of The Tatami Galaxy, but can be viewed independently of it, with some caveats.

#6: July 3rd, 2023

I don't have a particular topic today, just felt like writing a little bit. Many (an overwhelming majority) of these pages on all the tildeverse computers are updated once- or never- and abandoned forever. I like the idea of this kind of intimate "web 1.0" type experience and would like to contribute to actually having their pages be interesting to read, not just another "I will eventually put something here (updated 4 years ago)".

I was listening to this completely unknown artist, whose music I find to be so fun and joyful without taking itself too seriously, so I guess I'll mention that; Johnloxterkamp on Soundcloud. It's also a little nostalgic to me, having first heard some of his music around 8-9 years ago. Anyway. Reminds me of some of my high school days, though that was more like 11 years ago so I'm sure these periods of my life are just blending together a little.

As with a lot of people, I occasionally get this itch to do something creative. Until some part of your brain shuts off and you slip into another month(s) long void of mediocrity. I was toying with the idea of setting up an irl cryptography QR treasure sticker hunt or something, though that might be beyond my hosting capabilities. Maybe make this page do something interactive? Maybe write more music? Start a few Youtube channels? Maybe maybe. At least working on these pages feels somehow tangentially creative.

Sure is exhausting to be.

#5: March 12th, 2023

You find your days slipping by, the hours passing with little fanfare, the weeks blurring into each other as you wonder if, in fact, you did anything at all. Scrolling social media. Scrolling social media. Grab a snack and binge Youtube. Grab dinner and let it go cold as you scrounge for something to watch, something to consume, something to keep your stimulation-addicted brain from experiencing a single moment of silence.

Stop. Stop and let the world sit still for a moment. No one needs you right now. Even if they do, you don't owe them your constant presence. Boredom is the most useful evolutionary trait of humans, and the main driver of self-improvement and creativity. If you just put down whatever screen you're staring at and emerge from the drowning, constant simulation, you'll see that there's more to your brain than just a desperate dopamine farm. Shut it down, before you realise you've wasted your whole life on nothing at all.