February 3, 2020
When I was a child I was very nervous, afraid of everything, unsure of everyone, terrified of the future. I was always very aware of others' negative opinions of me, real or imagined. I was other things too, but that was the main thing I was.
Now I'm older, but still not old. Maybe a third of my life has happened if I'm being optimistic. I've let go of some of that childishness. I've noticed certain qualities in older people, including myself. Maturity means talking with confidence on intractibly complex topics and presenting zero indication that you don't have a deep understanding; it means feigning confusion and fear of anything that people younger than you seem to care about, even if qualitatively it's no stranger than any of the things you cared about when you were their age; it means understanding yourself as a serious person, so much so that even your attempts at selfdenigration have to be joyless and overwrought.
