Jack Handey


Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself:
"Mankind".   Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and
"ind".   What do these words mean?   It's a mystery, and that's why so is
mankind.

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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Sometimes, when I lie in bed at night and look up at the stars, I think to
myself, "Man! I really need to fix that roof." 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most
common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?"

"No, I'm sorry.   That's as far as it shoots." 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying
across in front of a beautiful sunset?   And he's carrying a beautiful rose in
his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet.   And
also, you're drunk. 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by
shoving them down his throat). 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking
surface attached to the end of a long stick. 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd
just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about
doing that anyway. 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward
into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact. 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money.   And I guess
that's what I like about it.   It's easy.   Just sitting there, rocking back
and forth, wanting that money. 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat
there thinking about life.   Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and
yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way. 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate.   And I can
picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it. 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain,
because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs
hatching. 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room
talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books. 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the
wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk? And after
you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask
people for money, and then lay down and go to sleep. 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if
he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window. 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on
your armor because you were "just going down to the corner." 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am
now. 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police.
But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this
person was, and why he had deer horns. 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day
long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was
almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over
it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint. 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody:
First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that
people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon
people will want to meet the busy garbage guy. 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if
you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to.
Then on the way out, slam the door. 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would
really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine. 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay
to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do
some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture. 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me? 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in
there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take
it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you. 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a
wooden stake. 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good
costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not. 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But
some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little
window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that." 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking
through your stuff. 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice
of lemon to each jar, for freshness? 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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It's sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of
wild dogs. 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and
bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth.
But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition. 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them
personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me. 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out
when you're coming home his face might burn up. 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people
happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea. 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're sort of
like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur. 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should
automatically disqualify you. 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That
way, you could ride him, then after you camped at night, you could eat him. How
about it, science? 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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Instead of having 'answers' on a math test, they should just call them
'impressions' and it you got a different 'impression' so what, can't we all be
brothers? 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He like enchiladas,
because that's what He's getting! 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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Probably to a shark about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying
to swim to shore, because where does he think he's going?! 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out
of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish
pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary. 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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 Marta says the interesting thing about fly-fishing is that it's two lives
connected by a thin strand.    Come on, Marta. Grow up.    

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if some guy
sets a world record, pretend that you didn't see it and go, "Okay, is everybody
ready to start now?"   

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called
the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell
everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's
just like everybody else." Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone,
and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after about five
minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him out.  Maybe later we could
get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of town. Bye, Cricket Boy.
 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and
saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much, but he
felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go up to the volcano
and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day.  It turned out he was
right. After forty years, the volcano petered out. Everybody left town, and the
hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to collect gold nuggets too, but
there weren't many left by then. Plus, he broke his leg and the doctor's bills
were real high. 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace
treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act
surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought we won!" 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for yourself. For
instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head." Normally you would
think that "fly Head" would mean a person who has beautiful swept-back
features, as if flying through the air. But think again. Couldn't it also mean
"having a head like a fly"? I'm afraid some people might actually think that. 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each
year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared. 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of
money." 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!,
I'd have all my money back. 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common
mistake. You have to let nudity "happen." 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering
hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones
everywhere. "Uh-oh," he thought. "This watering hole is reserved for
skeletons."

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses
should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your
elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be
"Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I
thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it
with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would
probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw
fuck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my
little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out
warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but
I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to
drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call
the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say.
"That's dynamite, baby."

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a
pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be
able to get a lot of free games.

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above
the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my
holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said
something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started
laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right,
it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get
real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of
justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end
up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get
embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and
they'd get mad and eat the snowman.

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an
astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into
Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam
the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's
not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real
fast and freak everybody out.

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys.
But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks,
and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it.
Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give
me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I
chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way
of these people.

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND
Superman away.

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall
under the ruthless domination of our solar system.

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several
of us died of tuberculosis.

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just
go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and
we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they
don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when
somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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I'd rather be rich than stupid.

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up
to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to
say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming
and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a
coward.

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is
the story of Popeye.

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever
press charges.

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and
the dancers hit each other.

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a
solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them
personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free.
To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing
up, is not what I call hospitality.

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where
this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a
clown killed my dad.

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very
pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted
brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look
like a deer.

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We
might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out
when you're coming home his face might burn up.

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself
down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person
comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A
jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that
says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right
back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the
students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll
look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you
can really see it in those genitals.

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and
the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that
thing.

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a
woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated.
Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people
laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be
waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I
remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and
drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The
smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played.
I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not,
and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God
is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is
"Probably because of something you did."

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not
the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an
elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said it
should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her
suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke -
just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked
dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's
Hambone.

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her
dinner tasted like.

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't
be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in
town.  

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I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to
town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought
back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named
him Flint.

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real
embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.  

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct
is to laugh. But then I think, what is I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then
it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all
watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

  
-- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all
go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It
wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a
lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie
heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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Whether they find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an
enemy planet.

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should
be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. and since
he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to
him.

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of
all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much
better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life?

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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If you're robbing a bank and your pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh
and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that
will really throw you into a panic.

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something
like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have
that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is
our friend.

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder weapons
sale. Many people could really use used ice picks.

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could
shoot beer out of you nose.

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's
children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom.
I could walk freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their
heads. It was only later that I discovered that they were not Indians at all
but only dirty-clothes hampers.

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets,
because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what
they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, and Angel
gets set on fire.

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one
of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and
while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large
blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone
asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and
pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've
hidden it. Good magic trick, huh? 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a
big rock half-buried in the ground. You pull and you pull, but you can't get
the rock out of the ground. So you give it a good kick, but you lose your
balance and go skidding down the hill toward the pool. Then out comes a big
Hawaiian man who was screwing his wife beside the pool because they thought it
was real pretty. He tells you to get out of there, but you start faking it,
like you're talking Hawaiian, and then he gets mad and chases you... 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no
other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out
there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I think: No people or
factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so confused I
have to stick my head out the window into the driving rain---unless there's
lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt. 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which
you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a
mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand
up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off!
Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties. 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money for
about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out West and
start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd
say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold," and I'd
say, "Well, that was easy." Good joke, huh. 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a
poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet
and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him
about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why
it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke. 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

%

I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and
lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said
that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out.
Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something like
that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he
paid for his stupid puppet. 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

%

Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that Jesse
James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn't seem
like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he went to a doctor in
town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited, and
waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to see the doctor, and
the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull? 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

%

I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun,"
I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher." "No," I said. "I
think we should be heading back now." "We have time," Nick insisted. I said we
didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20
minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting
story. 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

%

If you're at Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the
cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but
instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later,
when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and
throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars!" 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

%

I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was
coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?"
"Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform
you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet.
You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to
get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all
true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the
head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he
can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on. 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

%

If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land,
because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression
we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not
prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's
gyrations seemed to be getting out of control. 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a
fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and
round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out,
"Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then we had
some growing up to do. 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old
stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the
treasure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a
plane to catch, you know." He stared telling his story, about the treasure and
his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long." But then, he kept
going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long." But then
the story was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story wasn't too long
after all." I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on
the plane. It was a little long, though. 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

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I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to
be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the
sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd
probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the
rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh. 

  -- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

%

I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it
open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and
in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person,
because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a
Johnny Combat little toy guy---something like that.