Know Your Unix System Administrator: Modernized Edition

Originally by Stephan Zielinski

There are four major species of Unix-like sysad:

  1. The TECHNICAL THUG. Usually a systems programmer who has been forced into system administration; writes scripts in a polyglot of zsh, sed, C, awk, Python, and Perl.
  2. The ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST. Usually a no-fun-allowed drone who has been forced into system administration.
  3. The MANIAC. Usually an aging cracker who discovered that neither the NSA nor Russia are willing to pay a living wage for computer espionage. Fell into system administration; occasionally approaches major competitors with indesp schemes.
  4. The IDIOT. Usually a cretin, an outsider, or an former Scratch programmer selected to be the system administrator by a committee of cretins, outsiders, and former Scratch programmers.

HOW TO IDENTIFY YOUR SYSTEM ADMINISTRATOR:

SITUATION: Low disk space

TECHNICAL THUG: Writes a suite of scripts to monitor disk usage, maintain a database of historic disk usage, identify users who are more than a standard deviation over the mean, and send mail to the offending parties. Places script in cron. Disk usage does not change, since disk-hogs, by nature, either ignore or trash script-generated mail.

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts disk usage policy on the intranet. Uses disk quotas. Allows no exceptions, thus crippling work. Locks accounts that go over quota.

MANIAC:

# cd /home # rm -rf `du -s * | sort -rn | head -1 | awk '{print $2}'`;

IDIOT:

# gzip /home

SITUATION: Excessive CPU usage

TECHNICAL THUG: Writes a suite of scripts to monitor processes, maintain a database of CPU usage, identify processes more than a standard deviation over the norm, and weaken offending processes. Places script in cron. Ends up renicing the production database into oblivion, bringing operations to a grinding halt, much to the delight of the Redditors.

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts CPU usage policy on the intranet. Uses CPU quotas. Locks accounts that go over quota. Allows no exceptions, thus crippling work, much to the delight of the Redditors.

MANIAC:

# kill -9 `ps -augxww | sort -rn +8 -9 | head -1 | awk '{print $2}'`

IDIOT:

# compress -f `ps -augxww | sort -rn +8 -9 | head -1 | awk '{print $2}'`

SITUATION: New account creation

TECHNICAL THUG: Writes zsh script that creates a home directory, copies default configuration files to it, sets the default shell, and picks a password. (By hand, NOT with adduser.) Slaps on setuid bit; tells a nearby secretary to handle new accounts. Usually, said secretary is still dithering over the difference between 'Enter' and 'Return', so no new accounts are ever created.

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts new account policy on the intranet. Since people without accounts cannot access the intranet, nobody ever fulfills the bureaucratic requirements, so no new accounts are ever created.

MANIAC: "If you're too stupid to break in and create your own account, I don't want you on the network. We've got too many goddamn sh*t-for-brains a**holes here anyway."

IDIOT:

# cd /home; mkdir "Bob's home directory" # nano /etc/passwd

SITUATION: Root disk fails

TECHNICAL THUG: Repairs drive. Usually is able to repair filesystem from a live system. Failing that, starts script to reformat disk and reinstall OS. Lets it run during the day while he goes mountain climbing.

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Begins investigation to determine who broke the drive. Refuses to fix system until culprit is identified and charged for the equipment.

MANIAC, LARGE SYSTEM: Rips drive from system, uses sledgehammer to smash same to flinders. Calls manufacturer, threatens pets. Abuses IT person while they put in a new drive and reinstall the OS.

MANIAC, SMALL SYSTEM: Rips drive from system, uses ball-peen hammer to smash same to flinders. Calls Requisitions, threatens pets. Abuses bystanders while putting in new drive and reinstalling the OS.

IDIOT: Doesn't notice anything wrong.

SITUATION: Poor network response.

TECHNICAL THUG: Writes scripts to monitor network, then rewires entire machine room, improving response time by 2%. Shrugs shoulders, says, "I've done all I can do," and goes mountain climbing.

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts network usage policy on the intranet. Calls ISP and badgers whoever answers for network quotas. Tries to get Redditors fired.

MANIAC: Every two hours, unplugs router and waits for connections to time out.

IDIOT:

# gzip -f /dev/en0

SITUATION: User questions

TECHNICAL THUG: Hacks the code of emacs' doctor-mode to answer new users questions. Doesn't bother to tell people how to start the new "guru-mode", or for that matter, emacs.

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts user support policy on the intranet. Maintains queue of questions. Answers them when it gets a chance, often within two weeks of receipt of the proper form.

MANIAC: Screams at users until they go away. Sometimes barters knowledge for powerful drink and/or sycophantic adulation.

IDIOT: Answers all questions to best of his knowledge until the user realizes few modern UNIX-like systems support floppy diskettes and USB 1.0.

SITUATION: Stupid user questions

TECHNICAL THUG: Answers question in hex, binary, postfix, and/or French until user gives up and goes away.

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Locks user's account until user can present documentation demonstrating their qualification to use the machine.

MANIAC:

# cat > > ~luser/.bashrc alias vi 'rm \!*;unalias vi;grep -v BoZo ~/.cshrc > ~/.z; mv -f ~/.z ~/.cshrc' ^D

IDIOT: Answers all questions to best of his knowledge. Recommends user for system administration team.

SITUATION: Process accounting management

TECHNICAL THUG: Ignores packaged accounting software; trusts scripts to sniff out any problems and compute charges.

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Devotes 75% of disk space to accounting records owned by root and chmod'ed 000.

MANIAC: Laughs head off at very mention of accounting.

IDIOT:

# lpr /etc/wtmp /usr/adm/paact

SITUATION: Religious war, *BSD vs. *Linux

TECHNICAL THUG: *BSD. Crippled on *Linux boxes.

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: *Linux. Horrified by the people who use *BSD. Places frequent calls to DEA.

MANIAC: Prefers *BSD, but doesn't care as long as HIS processes run quickly.

IDIOT:

# cd c:

SITUATION: Religious war, *Linux vs. macOS

TECHNICAL THUG: Weeps.

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: AIX-- doesn't much care for the OS, but loves the jackboots.

MANIAC: System V, but keeps AIX skills up, knowing full well how much Big Financial Institutions love Apple...

IDIOT: macOS.

SITUATION: Balky printer daemons

TECHNICAL THUG: Installs another lpd.

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts printer use policy on the intranet. Calls customer support every time the printer freezes. Tries to get user who submitted the most recent job fired.

MANIAC: Writes script that kills all the daemons, clears all the print queues, and maybe restarts the daemons. Runs it once a hour from cron.

IDIOT:

# kill -9 /dev/lp ; /dev/lp &

SITUATION: OS upgrade

TECHNICAL THUG: Reads package list of new release, takes only what they like.

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Instigates lawsuit against the vendor for having distributed software with bugs in it in the first place.

MANIAC:

# uptime 1:33pm up 19 days, 22:49, 167 users, load average: 6.49, 6.45, 6.31 # wall Well, it's upgrade time. Should take a few hours. And good luck on that 5:00 deadline, guys! We're all pulling for you! ^D

IDIOT:

# dd if=/dev/sdb3 of=/dev/sda2

SITUATION: Users want collaboration software

TECHNICAL THUG: Writes RDBMS in perl and Smalltalk. Users give up and go back to e-mail and phones.

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: OneDrive. Users give up and go back to e-mail and phones.

MANIAC: Tells the users to use Git, the way God meant man to keep track of . Users give up and go back to e-mail and phones.

IDIOT:

% dd ibs=80 if=/dev/rdisk001s7 | grep "Fred"

OTHER GUIDELINES

TYPICAL ROOT .zshrc FILE

TECHNICAL THUG: Longer than eight kilobytes. Sources the output of a zsh script, rewrites itself.

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Typical lines include:

umask 777 alias cd 'cd \!*; rm -rf ching *hack mille omega rogue xtrek > /dev/null &'

MANIAC: Typical lines include:

alias rm 'rm -rf \!*' alias hose kill -9 '`ps -augxww | grep \!* | awk \'{print $2}\'`' alias kill 'kill -9 \!* ; kill -9 \!* ; kill -9 \!*' alias renice 'echo Renice\? You must mean kill -9.; kill -9 \!*'

IDIOT: Typical lines include:

alias dir ls alias era rm alias kitty cat alias process_table ps setenv DISPLAY vt100

HOBBIES, TECHNICAL

TECHNICAL THUG: Writes entries for game jams. Optimizes PHP scripts. Maintains Sega Visual Memory emulator. Virtual reality.

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Bugs office. Audits card-key logs. Modifies old TVs to listen in on cellular phone conversations. Listens to police band.

MANIAC: Volunteers at Survival Research Labs. Bugs office. Edits card-key logs. Modifies old TVs to listen in on cellular phone conversations. Jams police band.

IDIOT: Ties shoes. Maintains COBOL decimal to roman numeral converter. Rereads flowcharts from his salad days in college.

HOBBIES, NONTECHNICAL

TECHNICAL THUG: Drinks "Smart Drinks." Attends raves. Hangs out at poetry readings and Whole Earth Review events and tries to pick up Birkenstock MOTAS.

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Reads Readers Digest and Mein Kampf. Sometimes turns up car radio and sings along to John Denver. Golfs. Drinks gin martinis. Hangs out in yuppie bars and tries to pick up dominatrixes.

MANIAC: Reads Utne Reader and Mein Kampf. Faithfully attends Dickies and Ramones concerts. Punches out people who say "virtual reality." Drinks damn near anything, but favors Wild Turkey, Black Bush, and grain alcohol. Hangs out in neighborhood bars and tries to pick up MOTAS by drinking longshoremen under the table.

IDIOT: Reads alternative news sites -- and *believes* them. Drinks Jagermeister. Tries to pick up close blood relations-- often succeeds, producing next generation of idiots.

COMPOUND SYSTEM ADMINISTRATORS

TECHNICAL FASCIST: Recompiles kernel & writes a horde of scripts to prevent folk from ever using more than their fair share of system resources. Resulting overhead and load brings system to its knees.

TECHNICAL MANIAC: Writes scripts that SEEM to be monitoring the system, but are actually encrypting large lists of passwords. Uses nearby nodes as beta test sites for worms.

TECHNICAL IDIOT: Writes superuser-run scripts that sooner or later do "rm -rf /".

FASCISTIC MANIAC: At first hint of cracker incursions, whether real or imagined, shuts down system by triggering water-on-the-brain detectors and Halon system.

FASCISTIC IDIOT:

# cp /dev/null /etc/passwd

MANIACAL IDIOT: Napalms the CPU.