~lucia's tilde page

about - blog

List of posts

#001 - #002 - #003 - #004 - #005
#006 - #007 - #008 - #009 - #010
#011 - #012


Post dates are formatted as YYYY-MM-DD for clarity.

#001 - Welcome to the "blog!"

// 2021-03-07

Welcome and congratulations! Your found your way onto this weird blog site thing. I don't think you can really consider this much of a blog, but I think you get what I mean. Basically, I want to try and keep this blog updated as much as I can.

I want to attempt and document the things that I do... or don't do. Or things that happened. Maybe I want to ask a few questions to my future self and just see how things are going. While some of these questions might not necessarily apply to you, the reader who isn't me, maybe you can still have a bit of a think about them for yourself and wonder "Hm, in what areas have I changed? Did things change for the better? Do I have new sorts of motivations for the things that I do?". All those kinds of things really.

With that being said, let's talk a bit about what happened the past 2 days. First off, I got a new mouse, the Logitech G305, in a white color. This is actually the first white mouse that I bought myself - I got tired of seeing the plastic of my black mice shine eventually. Now, initially, I was gonna use this G305 as a secondary mouse, because the mouse that I used before that, was a Logitech G Pro Wireless. However, the G Pro Wireless started to double click, and me, being incredibly self-confident about myself being able to fix it, well, wanted to fix it by soldering in new switches, which are the things inside that are responsible for making the mouse click. I had a cheap soldering iron (the keyword here is "had", this is what we call foreshadowing, folks) and spare time - so I figured, I might as well give it a shot, right?

Well, something happened.

So I successfully did a teardown of the mouse without any damage, but then things got to the soldering part - and my soldering iron started malfunctioning. So what ended up happening is that while I attempted to heat up the solder on the PCB that houses the mouse switches, it started to overheat and ended up burning the PCB solder points, to the point where it's beyond repair. The soldering iron's tip turned golden and eventually blue - essentially, it case hardened.

In the industry, we call this "unfortunate".

So because of this, my new mouse, the G305, has become my main mouse. Surprisingly enough, with an AA to AAA battery converter and an AAA lithium battery, this mouse feels as light as the G Pro Wireless did and the shape is better for the way I grip my mouse too, because I tend to switch between Fingertip and Palm grip every now and then. Granted, the loudness of the mouse clicks and the different scroll wheel will take a little bit of getting used to, but honestly? For 45€, I seriously cannot complain. I also got some "Corepad" mouse skates - they actually did make a difference compared to the stock feet, which is a shocking surprise to me. I genuinely did not expect that to happen. I'll test how long this mouse will take until the first battery will run out. The date where I inserted the battery first was on 2021-03-06 in YYYY-MM-DD format. If I can get a good week or two out of it per battery, I'll be extremely excited and I'll shamelessly go buy a battery bulk of 20 AAA lithium batteries. I only got a test pack of 4 of them - the local stores only have Alkaline batteries, which are far heavier and also less efficient.

With that being said, tomorrow I'll be in talks about a new apprenticeship. Due to privacy concerns, I cannot disclose what kind of job it will be, but I am excited. I have it in the bag 100%, It's just a matter of discussing small details at this point, for example a paid internship so I can get a first look into the internal workflows and just jump right in when the apprenticeship starts.

I also had a haircut! My hair went to my shoulders before, but since taking care of long hair is such a hassle compared to shorter hair and I like potentially spending my time on more productive things than washing my hair for 10 minutes straight instead of 2 while I am showering, I decided to have it cut quite short. It also feels more relaxing in regards to wearing headphones and masks - the hair kept coming into my way.

Okay, so, this has been quite a long blog post, so time for some questions for the me in the future, whenever that may be.

Sorry for these rather... technical and odd questions. There isn't really much else in regards to today's blog post. As for when the next blog post happens - we shall see. Maybe tomorrow? Maybe in 2-3 days? I'm not entirely sure, but I do want to try and keep this updated, because I found this time where I was writing this to be quite therapeutical, if I'm being entirely honest with myself.

Anyways, see you next time!

~lucia


#002 - Things are happening

// 2021-03-09

Good morning! Decided to write this one a bit early this time around. Yesterday was quite busy and I was so tired, I ended up just not writing at all. I had a very odd and irregular sleep as a result - Such as falling asleep at 5pm, then waking up again at 8pm, only to fall back asleep at 1am and then wake up at 7am. Yet somehow, I feel rested. I don't understand my body sometimes.

Anyways, yesterday, I first clarified a few things in regards to my new apprenticeship, and everything is going smoothly. Just need a few extra documents from the city and I will be good to go, so that's cool. It'll be 3 months of a paid internship first (which, let's be real, it's far better than nothing) followed up by 3 years of apprenticeship, after which I should hopefully be a certified retail worker person thing. Which means if I would need to find new jobs, things would be a lot easier than they currently are. In Germany, it's incredibly difficult to find a decent job without an apprenticeship. The problem is - the jobs that you do find that don't require apprenticeships are usually not well paid or you're basically used as some sort of fodder, like for example as a Call center agent, being the first person to face a customer's potential wrath, when it wasn't even your fault in the first place.

Now, granted, I did work in the call center industry for a while before now, and while usually I had pretty nice customers, some of them were quite nasty to deal with, especially considering they just know that they're on a phone, which makes things more impersonal and they can just let loose because nobody will tell them to back off, except you, the service worker, who generally has to help the caller with whatever the problem is they have. Which means, usually, all you can do is tell the person to calm down and then try and solve the problem, but sometimes those people just want to shout at someone - a small little link to the whole company that they despise because something that's relatively easily solvable has gone entirely wrong.

Anyways, enough about that nonsense. I also did a few other things, but honestly, I don't really want to talk about those right now. They're just not as important as other things would be, in my opinion anyways. Either way, I feel like yesterday was a productive day where I got a good bunch of things done, at least before I went to sleep the first time. The evening I was awake at was mostly relatively unproductive with me just relaxing, kind of just to shut my brain off. One question however:

That's about it for today, maybe I might add something else that happens today in the next blogpost, but right now, things are, honestly, somewhat uneventful. Rest assured that if there is something that would really bother me, I would likely also write about it here, just getting it out of my system - you can't always have good things in your life, after all. You need to have a balance to appreciate both sides a bit, even if, obviously, we wouldn't want to have bad things happen to us often, but they do certainly ground us a bit on reality. Maybe one day I'll also write about something that isn't very related to any of the happenings of the day at all. We shall see.

Thank you for reading.

~lucia


#003 - Can dreams like, not?

// 2021-03-11

Hello there. Yesterday itself was a bit uneventful I have to admit, but we can talk about the incredibly weird dream that I had and how I woke up with a clogged left ear yet again - I really need to visit the doctor for that one at some point, it's getting ridiculous because it's happening basically every month at this point.

So I woke up at 1am from a very clogged left ear. I tried to clean it with a warm salt water mixture but it didn't help - I needed some additional assistance earlier this morning to get it relatively cleaned up again, but as of right now, my hearing is mostly unimpaired. Good enough. However, let's go back to nighttime, because I fell asleep and had an incredibly weird dream involving my teeth hurting, Team Fortress 2 distributing hats shaped like Penises and literally calling them "cocks" and then a person with a disability so bizarre and unreal, I can't even begin to describe how alien it felt. I'd like to put things into perspective: We're talking about a disability, where the facial features feel "sucked out" and only the external areas (such as eyelids, nose, lips) but none of the INTERNAL areas are there - instead, the real eyes, nostrils and mouth without the actual lips were on the upper body of this 10 year old child. He was also bound to a chair, a bit on the overweight side and surprisingly enough, still relatively happy - because I think the part where I noticed the Team Fortress 2 website having this weird Web 1.0 look with Comic Sans everywhere and neon green/purple text was while I was with this person. I do not remember their name, but my goodness, in hindsight, it was creepy, and not because of the child's demeanor or anything. It's just the pure nature of the disability that the child had. And then also, there was me, having toothaches inside the dream for some reason and being close to feeling like that said teeth are about to just fall out of my mouth. Thankfully didn't happen.

I have a very nasty tendency to have some incredibly weird and absurd dreams, I am no stranger to being in weird places in them at all. But weird, disfigured and disabled people like I've never seen before? My brain's really going for some sort of record, but I honestly don't know what it tried to accomplish.

With that being said, as I am typing this, I'm reminded of how sometimes, there are certain reoccurring places inside of my dreams and one of them in particular is very striking to me - to the point where it's so ingrained into my brain that, given enough time for learning and whatnot, I could probably attempt to model it in a 3D modeling program such a blender (which, for the record, I am absolutely clueless about and have no intention or interest in working with it). I'll try my best to describe it though:

You are in a semi-forest-y area. A bit to your right is a wooden billboard that's slightly angled away from you (So you face it from a 45° angle and the billboard faces to your left, not to the right), but instead of an actual billboard being inside the wooden frame, it's just a large flat, rounded rock, that says "Welcome" in cursive letters. Then, to your right, is a building. The building has large windows all around it, so clearly it's some sort of commercial space. Below the windows is a white framing, I think it's just concrete. Above the windows is a yellow border with 2 red stripes. You're essentially able to look right at the entrance of the building - I will provide a schematic from above for what it looks like, however. It'll be at the very bottom of the post, I think, below the questions. I just need to write this out right now.

We're not done - behind that is a fast food shop. I honestly cannot remember what they sell, it always seems to be something different anyways. But now comes the fun part: Behind the billboard I mentioned, there is a row of trees. It might be early autumn because some of the leaves are falling onto the ground already. At the end of the tree row is a small gap however. If you go to that gap, you will find there is a dense wall of trees ahead and to your right, there is open space, right behind the tree row I mentioned. The open space is very slowly curving upwards however and gets quite steep, but then curves back into flat-ish land again, except for one part. You see, the part where it curves back again, we have another row of trees. In the very middle of this tree row is another gap, with the entrance to an old wooden building being squeezed right in the middle of that. Funnily enough, I do remember a few cherry blossom leaves flying around, but not seeing any actual cherry blossom trees. But yes, this is roughly the area I was talking about. There is no way I can precisely describe it 100%, but it keeps occurring over and over in some dreams - which is weird, because I know for a fact that this area is not a real area. It might be an oddball fusion of several areas (and I can imagine a few individual parts being real), but not in this way. I have also never seen a house like that on a curved hill, surrounded by trees.

Anyways, now that that's out of the system, here's my questions to myself:

And since I said so, here is a top-down visualization of how the place looks like. Hopefully this helps with getting across with how the place looks in my dreams.

Thank you for reading. I'll try to keep future posts a bit shorter, I promise. I can't help myself with typing this much sometimes, it just kind of happens.

~lucia


#004 - Character redesign!

// 2021-03-13

Hello! I switched up the character design once more. Before that, I made iterations of the "Lucia" character in Custom Order Maid 3D 2, but now I switched to Koikatsu. The latter has more options in regards to what I want to do with the character, and model clipping is also far less of an issue than it is with COM3D2. Basically a net win!

But not just that, I also went back to the roots a bit - Lucia has had 3 versions before, all with different clothing, color and accessories, but the body shape, facial features and eyes were always the same. They always left me disatisfied quickly though, which wasn't the case with my first design, so I went back to it and did a few improvements to it. And guess what, here it is. I think it looks fantastic this way. I might commission some people to have her be drawn - I do have Puyo Puyo-styled art of her very first iteration, but I honestly prefer this over the old design by a long shot. It's a shame that you can't really make out the mouth at a lower resolution though, or else this would've already been peak "profile picture" material.

I wanted to keep things a bit shorter than usual this time, so here is my question already:

Thank you for reading. I shall now go make food of the burger variety.

~lucia


#005 - Not much happening? Let's talk audio.

// 2021-03-16

Hello again. Nothing much has really transpired over the past few days, except me messing around with the new character design and working on a bunch of private things. Basically just a short thing to let you know that I am very alive and not dead yet. Which is good.

I guess one thing I could talk about is that I'm getting new eartips for my in-ear headphones (I'll shorten it to IEM from here on out), which are Shure SE315. I got them back in mid-2018 at an airport in the UK, they just happened to be on sale for 90 pounds, so I figured "Why not? I haven't had a proper good pair of IEMs basically, well, ever". And so I got them. While the sound is a bit different from my main headphones (BeoPlay H7 from Bang&Olufsen, no, I would not buy these myself again, even if their sound is phenomenal I do not want to spend 400+€ on headphones again), it's not like it's a bad sound or anything. Just a bit different. They're also incredibly comfortable and I am able to wear them for hours on end without my ears starting to hurt or getting uncomfortable - unlike what's happening with my Tin T2 (which, while they do have a better sound, simply just lack a lot in comfort, besides that their cable is busted and I don't really want to muster up 30€ for a new cable when I already have working IEMs).

The thing is that I never swapped the eartips after I found the correct fit (which is apparently medium-sized for both ears, as I re-discovered a few days ago when having to compare to my Tin T2's eartips because the Shure ones have been seemingly eaten by a black hole), and so the eartips too are about 2 and a half years old now. Kinda yucky, I am well aware of that, but let's be real for a second: The eartips lasted over 2 years. Meanwhile I've had IEMs in the range of 20-40€ which broke down entirely after months or even weeks of use (I'm looking at you, Roccat Syva, fucking pieces of shit). The Shure SE315? Working like they do on their first day, including the eartips. That's pretty damn crazy and one hell of a difference if you ask me. Needless to say, I am very pleased with the value I've already gotten out of them.

But yes, I'm finally getting new eartips and looking forward to using these more whenever I'm traveling. These IEMs have already been to 4 countries with me, which is pretty crazy to think about, especially considering that travel wasn't exactly an option in 2020. Enough about that kind of stuff though, here's a question:

By the way, footnote: I've added a character reference sheet to my about page. Feel free to give it a look.

Thank you for reading. I shall now wait for the delivery guy to arrive either today or tomorrow and then scream internally as I indulge myself in listening to music without super dirty eartips. Eugh.

~lucia


#006 - Adventures in Colemak

// 2021-03-18

Hello! This blogpost is probably going to be shorter than my others, because it was written in a different keyboard layout than usual. I'm currently learning "Colemak", alongside proper 10-finger-typing technique. As you can imagine, this is quite the task.

The main reasons behind this decision are that I never learned proper typing technique and that when I write in QWERTZ (I grew up with it), I tend to feel quite fatigued after a bit of typing. Right now, if I am focused, I can hit up to 20 WPM compared to 100 in QWERTZ. It's a bit of a struggle, but I'll keep trying. Here is my question:

Thank you for reading.

~lucia


#007 - Trip to Dreamland... again

// 2021-03-20

Hello! First off, this post is written using Colemak too. I'm slowly getting better and faster. Anyways, I had another weird dream, a lot happened, so bear with me here. There is quite a bit to unpack.

First thing I remember is that I was at some sort of huge, spacious airport. My aunt looked outside and claimed how some of the workers' vehicles are "illegal". I didn't get it, so I just took a suitcase and drifted across the floor like an idiot. That was fun. The other part was a bit less fun:

The dream faded into darkness and I now was in some pixelated world, very reminiscent of how Quake, DUSK and Devil Daggers (these are all games) look like. Instead of being shooter games though, it was more of a horror thing with jumpscares. One thing I remember in particular, which is a bunch of skulls spinning slowly on the floor, and the moment one noticed you, its face would change into a very realistic face, you were frozen and then it'd start... rapping.

Yep. rapping. And then after a few seconds it'd abruptly stop and jumpscare you.

However, after the jumpscare you'd just end back up at the start, unharmed. Eventually, I realized that you could bunnyhop everywhere and not be caught by the skulls, so i did that throughout the entire purple-tinted cave I was in, eventually finding an exit gate, which looks like the ones in the first Spyro game. I now was in some weird dark stairway, found my way all the way down and found a new gate labeled "FUCK JOHN CENA". I wish I was making this up. I enter it.

Now I find myself on a single checkered platform, also tinted in purple and see floating game credits a bit away from the platform, accompanied by some chiptune music. The weirdest part: There was a glass cell you could enter, with a restrained but happy anime-styled woman on a bed wanting to have sex.

what the fuck

When I entered that cell, the dream ended and I woke up. I sometimes frighten myself with what my brain can come up with. With that said, here is my question:

Thank you for reading. This took about 28 minutes to type so I hope it was worth the read. lol

~lucia


#008 - Been a hot minute

// 2021-03-26

Hi, yes, it has indeed been quite a while now since the last time I wrote a blogpost. Honestly, I don't know what to write about at the moment. Sure, I could talk about my practice with Colemak and whatnot, but I usually just tweet about it instead. I've been slowly but surely getting better, with each and every day a little bit of frustration in regards to making typing mistakes disappears. I've been trying to not use a template that tells me which keys are where because I didn't want to develop a dependency on them, and in terms of typing out my own thoughts, this has already helped quite a lot - though I do still make mistakes quite often. After all, I kind of am rewiring my brain in two ways at the same time - learning a new keyboard layout and proper 10-finger-typing technique - so it's to be expected. I can't wait to be able to type at my old speeds again, to be honest, but also, I really do not miss using QWERTZ in the slightest.

Also, aside from that, my new eartips for my IEMs came in and they are amazing. I've had the original tips for as long as I had the actual IEMs, so 2 and a half years. As you can imagine, there is quite a difference in isolation of outside sound, so I guess it was a good call after all this time - though that said, I also haven't noticed a large difference with how the music itself sounds, which I guess does make sense considering I went from foam to, well, foam again. I hate silicone eartips, don't @ me.

But yes, not super much mentionable has really happenped, I guess, which is why I didn't really bother writing a new post, even if i should, honestly, because it will help with my typing speeds. I'll think of something to write about for the next post!

Thank you for reading. This took about 17 minutes to type and has far less mistakes than the previous post - progress!

~lucia


#009 - Been another cold minute this time

// 2021-04-05

Well, shit.

Once more I have not gotten around to updating this blog as much as I'd like. The truth is, I don't exactly have any super interesting topics to talk about at the moment, which makes trying to write a blogpost every few days a bit... hard, as you maybe can imagine. With that being said though, a few things have in fact happened, and also I noticed a few things I can do to improve myself in some way, shape or form.

First off: My typing speeds! I am no longer really in a need for a guide for typing, and I noticed that without a guide that shows the keyboard on screen, I can focus more on what I actually want to type instead of focusing on both the typing and the image with the layout, and now I am at a point where it's no longer super crippingly slow to type on. Good stuff!

Now my next focus is minimizing typing mistakes, and the only way I can really do that is by, well, just typing a lot and eventually having everything click in place. Right now, I still tend to sometimes fall back to QWERTZ muscle memory, but overall things have improved by quite a bit. I seem to average about 52 WPM right now, which is fine, but not super amazing or anything. I still want to hit 100 WPM again at some point, because I feel like once I do that, my hands will be thankful for me reducing finger travel compared to my old layout.

I also wanted to talk about Linux here at some point. I really wanna go back to it again in the future, building software on Windows is an absolute pain in the backside, compared to doing it on Linux anyways. I'll probably go into deep detail on why I am still stuck with Windows and why I want to go back do Linux at some point. But for now, since it kind of is 2:30AM as of me writing this, I figured I should to that another day, I think. Not entirely sure yet, maybe I'll do it tomorrow as typing practice and see how fast I can type it up, like I already do with blog posts. Then again, that already will be a blog post, so whatever. I do have a question though:

Thank you for reading. This took 13 minutes to type this time.

~lucia


#010 - Why I'm not using Linux yet

// 2021-04-06

Hello again! Figured I'd wanna talk about this right now, but without timing how fast I am with typing the entire blogpost. Gotta take a step back and try to reduce my amount of typos!

I want to talk about Linux today, its pros and cons for myself and why I am stuck on Windows and can't really move to Linux without compromising a few more important things for me than I do with Windows. There's quite a lot to unpack here, because I really like it when things work a specific way and I don't have to do much to have it work exactly the way I want it to work. I think I'll start with the things that I do like about Linux, followed by things that aren't doable yet.

Pros

Cons and why I am on Windows

And there you have it! I might update this list in the future, maybe as a future blogpost? I might also tell you about the tools that I use to get around on Linux if I use it. Lately, Windows has been annoying me again so I've actually had thoughts of switching again at some point in the future. I might make a backup of my archive drive's more important folders, slap them on an old 1TB external HDD that I have laying around here and go from there, also formatting the internal 2TB HDD into a better format that isnt NTFS. lol

Here's my question to future me this time:

Thank you for reading.

~lucia


#011 - Why I've come to hate gacha games

// 2021-04-08

Hello - What you're about to read is a bit of a rant in regards to gacha games, because lately I have been thinking a lot about them and why I don't like them as much as I liked them like what, 1-2 years ago, and it is one hell of a reality check.

5500€.

This is about the amount that I have spent on every single gacha game I have played in total, starting from March 2018 with my very first in-game-purchase for Fate/Grand Order. From there it all went down, because I realized that I too can finally have the best of the best units like everyone on Twitter or my friends in my friends circles did. And that's only the beginning. Let's put it this way:

So, a normal AAA PC game generally costs 60-80€ here. That's quite a lot of money already, it's easily a week's worth of food, that is, if you don't go shopping in a reasonable and structured manner and just buy prepackaged food. Even then you'll have spent far less than that. I'll take Fate/Grand Order's gacha system as an example: A new, limited time only servant comes out. He is so strong and overpowered that you absolutely must have him if you want to clear the missions with ease. Everyone in your circles loves that character for many different reasons, so you want him too! The problem at hand: The character is an SSR, a rarity that you cannot get from the friend point (free currency earned by just playing the game a lot) gacha. You have to go to the premium gacha to even have a chance of getting this character, which means that you have to use Saint Quartz. Unlike friend points, which you can farm by using friends' servants as support if you play through a mission, Saint Quartz are a limited resource and it is very hard to stockpile them, even if the amount of ways you can get them seems plentiful - You can get them from daily logins, clearing story/event quests, clearing weekly quests and raising your Bond level with a servant (which means: Play the game. A LOT.). Maybe you can see where this is going.

As it turns out, you have 90 Saint Quartz! You want the guy so you do the 10x Gacha summon 3 times, but all these 3 times, you got nothing of interest, so you decide to whip out your credit card. "It's not that much money, I still have plenty left for the month!", you say to yourself, and then you buy the 167 Quartz pack... for 90€. You do the 10x roll 5 more times and with the last roll, you get him. You might be excited because of it and can't wait to use him! And then something happens, a week later:

A new event with a new servant who is even better than the one you got.

"I must have this one", you say to yourself, but you have no Quartz left! So you go into the shop and buy more, ready to roll. However, there is a problem at hand now: SSRs in F/GO have a chance of 1%. This means that statistically, with every 100th summon, you should get an SSR, however this is only a statistic. It's still random, and in 99 out of 100 cases, it's a crapshoot. And even then if you hit that 1% chance - you still need the correct SSR to appear, which means that the real chance to get your character is now below 1%. That's not great odds!

And sure enough, you don't get the new character, you get another random SSR instead, one that you don't want. Angry at the game, you want revenge. Your wallet still has enough money left in it, so you buy more. 5 more 10x rolls, nothing. Again. Nothing. You give up and then see that your friends pulled that character with absolute ease - only 3 solo rolls! You are now angry again. "One more is doable for sure", you say, going again, Nothing, getting another random SSR. Your heart has been pounding for the last rolls. One final time you buy Quartz from the shop, getting the character finally at the end of the very last roll, and you are incredibly excited. There are two issues at hand though, now, which you are not aware of yet:

First off, you have already spent 450€ on a single game, the majority of which has been spent in less than 15 minutes. Second off, that high you got will want you to do it more often as you need that excitement... and just like that, you are addicted to gambling now, without even realizing it. You'll keep wanting more, and others in your friend circles might too, as they also want that hot character. Incredibly fucking devious.

Now, I am not saying everyone will act like this, but some absolutely will, whether you like it or not. There are many, many reasons for why someone might spend so much on a gacha game, and I don't want to generalize. However, there will be people that are ready to spend substantial amounts of their savings ond these games, sometimes even going to the point of barely having enough to get by the month - I was one of these people, sunken in a depression and looking for something that excites me and passes time. Gacha did the trick, but it genuinely shouldnt have.

I'm also not going to tell you how to spend your money here, for the record. I just think that the money you might spend on a gacha might be money you'll need for something else in the future, something far more important, like a car. You are likely an adult that's reading this so you are responsible for your own spendings - however I believe that you can invest in far more important (and more importantly, persisting) things.

One of the things that really annoys me about Gacha games is that their characters in these games often are amazing and can't really be found elsewhere, so you end up liking them a lot. A grand example is Astolfo from F/GO. You've probably heard of him at this point. These characters incentivize spending money on the games, so you can use said characters in the game, and often the really good ones are rare and hard to get because they're behind that barrier of the gacha system. A character I really liked was Helena from F/GO - Her appearance, her mannerisms, her voice, the way she works in-game - I really liked her character in many ways. And honestly, part of me still wants to like her, but then I remember the very bitter aftertaste of how much I spent on those games.

So now you might be asking to yourself: How did I realize I had a problem? How did I finally stop spending massive amounts of money and basically stopping to play these games? It's two defining events for me:

The first event was when I pulled for Devil Hina in "BanG Dream", a multimedia franchise with lots of things happening with it - including a gacha game, unfortunately. I had just gotten a large amount of money from the local welfare office - 1800€. The month before I wasn't paid by them because of missing documents, so I sold a few things to get by. As a celebration, I wanted to live a bit - and I remembered that Hina, who probably was my favorite character from the series at the time, had a rate-up event (Basically her special devil costume was easier to get than other 4* characters in the pool of characters you could get) and it was a version of her that's limited and I really wanted her, so I pulled and pulled. With every further 10x Gacha roll, I felt worse and worse, but I kept getting differeng 4* characters instead of the Hina - I'm pretty sure it was about 10 or 11 4* characters before I got Hina... and after spending 600€ total, I had her... and I felt like absolute garbage. What's even worse is that over time, I started playing different Gacha games instead, so I didn't even use her much. I basically bought a bunch of moving images for 600€ instead of something like a shoddy used car, lots of great clothing, or one and a half months worth of food. That stuck in my head with every new purchase I made for other Gacha games from that point onwards, but it didn't entirely stog me. What stopped me was the second event:

The closing of the NA servers of the game "Magia Record".

No way to transfer your characters to another region. Nothing will be refunded. Everything will just... disappear. A total of 2000€ spent on that game, just like that, irrecoverably gone for good, and there is nothing you can do about it. I was upset and furious as you can imagine, but that never changed the final outcome, which was that the game shut down for good. Even if some crazy people were able to dump the save data of the accounts and now let you use that account on a self-hosted private server: There is no real NA version of Magia Record anymore and it's not coming back. All you have now is... data. Data that can be altered and edited. For free. It felt like a punch in the gut. All that money I spent, despite me having my save data - it still was completely worthless and there is nothing I could do about it.

From that point onward, I took a serious look at my spendings and decided to try my best to abstain from such games in the future. I did attempt to play Genshin Impact when Ganyu was released, but instead I bought a 10€ account that already had her instead of trying my luck in the actual game, which couldve costed hundreds more of Euros - but eventually, I grew tired of the game and stopped playing. That was the last time I looked at a gacha game and said that I want to actively play it. F/GO has become a chore in regards to its gameplay anyways, other games didnt appeal to me with their gameplay anymore either and overall I just don't want to spend more money on these games, so I'm doing my best to never play them again in the future.

Well, this is a fucking long post, isn't it.

That's all I have to say about Gacha games. I honestly regret playing them, even if the fun I had with these games was temporary and very short, the gut punches and wake up calls I've gotten are reason enough to never play again, in an attempt to defeat my addiction to gambling, because that's basically what it is, except I was gambling for images of anime girls, of all things... and I still hate that I like lots of characters featured in Gacha games. There will always be that sour aftertaste when I think of them, and it's sour enough to hopefully not make me fall back.

If you've read this far, thank you so much for reading this. Maybe this shines enough of a light on how predatory and awful the nature of these games really is. Stay away from them if you can or if you tend to spend a lot. You'll save a lot of money...

~lucia

PS: I spent an hour and 5 minutes typing this. Sorry for any typos, it's past 2am and I wanted to get this out of my head.


#012 - I am amazing at procrastination!

// 2021-04-15

Been a hot minute, just wasn't feeling like typing up blog posts for some reason I'm not sure of. Partially because I'm stressed, partially because I wanted to cool down a bunch by doing things where I can just shut off my brain. There's probably more to it, but honestly, I don't know. Deep down I probably do, but I suck at putting things into correct words, so you're gonna have to live with this as explanation.

Actually, there are three things I wanted to talk about, one being my current keyboard preferences and what I want as a future keyboard, one where I wanted to touch more on how gacha games will end up getting you to spend the first few cents and lead you into a rabbit hole, and finally a super weird dream that I had which went from Pokémon to Minecraft and basically became this really weird nightmare-like dream at the end, but holy fuck is it an interesting dream, because you could derive a very interesting story idea behind it. I'll tackle the keyboard and the dream this time, I can always add to the above gacha post later, which is probably something I'm gonna do. Normally I wouldn't edit my posts, but first off it's my own blog and second off ever since I "finished" writing that blog entry, I felt like it wasn't done - but it was very late and I was tired. Not this time, it's 5:18PM as of me typing these exact words. I am still tired though, so sleep wins again, despite me having slept about 10 hours last night.

why are body STOOPID

Anyways, I'll give the two parts of this blogpost their own subheadings so I can keep things apart mentally and make it easier for others to follow or skip something if they want to.

My keyboard situation

Well, this one's a bit interesting, because I've been feeling very experimental lately. The past 3 days I was typing on my DZ60 board which has Gateron Yellows inside, but those are outfitted with 50g long springs from TX. Long spring means that theyre a bit harder to press down than a normal spring at the same bottom-out weight, but will still have that same bottom out weight - so a normal spring could actuate at 30g where the long spring actuates at 38g, but both bottom out at 50g force. I like it because it means I can have a light weighting in my switches but still make less typing mistakes... however, 38g actuation force is a bit too little, I noticed, so I was thinking of using 62g long springs inside my next keyboard! I just happen to have 110 of those fuckers left, so hey, why not? I also measured the actuation force for those inside a NovelKeys Cream switch (Note: The switch itself sucks stock, don't @ me because you will be wrong). The force for actuation is around 50g, it seems. So I imagine that the actuation force for 55g is about 42-43g maybe, if it's a long spring anyways - Since I am looking for something similar to MX browns in general weighting, I think this will be the best option for me.

As for what switches - Hoo boy. On one hand I want a light and comfortable to use tactile switch, like the Pewter switch, however that one is only available in group buys, which kinda sucks. Other than that, sure I can try Ergo clears, but apparently the recent batches have been not that great of MX clears. I don't know, it's all a gamble, more or less. However, I am also interested in linears because I want to have a full keyboard with good silent linears. I don't enjoy the sound of my keebwerk tacits that much anymore, and it might be because they're tactile and not lubed? They sound a bit scratchy, is what I'm saying. Either way, Gateron Silent Inks seem to perfectly fit the bill for me here - sure, I'll have to spring swap them because 60g actuation is too much for me over extended periods of time and I just don't enjoy using heavier linears. With the 62g long spring however this wouldn't be as much of an issue, I think, so I'd roll with that.

Case and PCB wise, I came to the conclusion that I want an Arisu-styled board, and the YMDK Wings is exactly that, except I can buy it whenever I please. Sounds great, would just need lots of dampening because of the integrated plate, but I can deal with that, I believe. Would also finally give me something to put a fun sticker into - I may or may not have ordered a NSFW Ganyu sticker. Wasn't sure where I'd put it onto, but that might be a hilarious idea. But yes, any sort of Arisu-styled keyboard would fit the bill for me honestly, even an acrylic one if there is a vendor in the EU that makes those for a price I can handle.

As for keycaps, I'll probably just use my GMK vaporwave keycaps that are on my DZ60, because I probably won't use the DZ60 once I have the Arisu-styled board, and I'd just sell it in the future. Maybe I'll take more of a liking to lighter than heavier linears, but at 38g actuation force I do end up making quite a few typing mistakes sometimes. Enough about keyboards, I'm gonna talk about my dream now!

The weird ass dream I had

So, the general outline was that I went from Pokémon to Minecraft to that becoming a weird ass nightmare but with an interesting concept. I'll talk about the dream first but then also about the idea that stems out of the dream, which can at least make for an interesting short story, if anything.

I forgot how the dream starts - there were Pokemon, they fought. It was nice. Eventually, I had powers of a fire Pokemon and what was basically a flamethrower, and this is where we enter the Minecraft part already and where it gets very, very weird. So with every monster I kill, my flamethrower goes faster and becomes stronger, and eventually it's just a massive wall of death that I can shoot. So I go downstairs into the Nether (because clearly that's how entering the Nether works, right?), walk down the massive steps of Soul Sand and at the bottom was a small area made out of stone bricks, encased. I go there and there's a bunch of mobs, including one that looks weird, kind of like a deranged, stretched out Herobrine (Herobrine being a creepypasta character coming from Minecraft's fandom, go look it up, it's basically just Steve, the main character, but with entirely white eyes.). I try and shoot and kill that Herobrine but it does absolutely nothing and he starts slowly walking towards me, no matter how much I shoot at him. I try and keep my distance, but he keeps walking the same length. Eventually, I give up and wonder what happens if he gets me.

You see, this is where the dream becomes a bit twisted and weird, slowly shifting into nightmare territory.

Herobrine grabs my head suddenly with his two arms and my vision suddenly is entirely replaced with just his face, like some cheap jumpscare in a horror game - except there is no scream, and it's not on a screen. It was in my eyes, I could not unsee it. Eventually that disappeared and I was back in what the dream considers real life. I was hanging out with a bunch of people (one of them being VTuber Nekomata Okayu apparently - feel free to ask but don't expect an answer) and at some point, one of them mentioned the word "society". And suddenly, that person went absolutely nuts - He grabbed a knife and stabbed someone's hand. We all start running, and escape. After that, I was in some weird bar. A girl asks me to come sit at the front of the table, there was one other girl there. She asked me to just listen to the conversation, and for some reason I agreed. After about 5 minutes, the girl explicitly says: "Okay, I see. This girl that's in front of me... you're part of the Herobrine society, aren't you?", and well... the other girl responded by screaming, her eyes lighting up in white, jumping up and grabbing the girl by the necklace, slamming the gem that is on the necklace high up into a wall, essentially hanging the person that investigated her for whatever reason. I now see a bunch more of these lights and run from the bar as fast as I can, and I enter some sort of super fast running state - I ended up at my old school where everything now was on fire with a plane wreck outside, people running everywhere, I run more and now I am at an Airport and I hear the voice of my brother saying Hello, with him standing there in the open of the airport halls, waving at me.

I run towards him, but suddenly the girl that killed the investigator was right next to me, and said something I can't remember, if I'm being honest, and then she attacks my brother - turns out it was a decoy because I could still hear my brother but his body now disappeared out of nowhere. "They really hate it when people know about that secret little club of theirs." The girl next to me has now calmed down and still knows exactly what happened - Considering my brother and I have some weird superpowers, I wanted to ask her things because I would probably be safe here in this empty ass airport... with no one else around me. That's when I noticed a very faint outline in my vision - Yep, Herobrine's face. "We've all been chosen at some point", she says. "You too, apparently. It seems that no one has told you yet however. We need to protect the Identity of him at all times." My brother says nothing, I ask him if he knew about this. He says yes, but keeps his mouth shut. The girl says "We can't hurt him and he knows about us anyways, it's fine." So, now what? Apparently I was cursed by Herobrine or something like that and I could see his face inside my vision if I really, really tried to focus on it, but it wasn't super distracting either. I was piss scared throughout all of this, which is why at first this was a nightmare.

Suddenly, I black out, and all I can see is a light shining against a wooden wall, with the disfigured Herobrine I tried to kill earlier now having a slightly more normal appearance and some other guy being there too. Herobrine doesn't talk ever, so the other person took on the job of speaking for Herobrine, it seems. What he said next was quite a lot of info, and I honestly don't really remember any of it. I eventually just woke up from the dream.

That's about it, really. I don't have any questions for myself either, if I'm being honest, so I'll end it there. Next time instead of a blog post, I'll probably update the gacha post.

Thank you for reading.

~lucia