Goblins on Blogging Like It's the Early Aughts

tales of the goblin - five

Sun, 14 Jun 2026 13:47:04 -0700

Me: “Wake up, I need to get up.”
Goblin: “No.”
Me: “But I need to pee.”
Goblin: “Sucks to be you, I’m comfortable.”
Me: “Lizzy!”
Goblin: “snore”
Me: “You just said the word ‘snore’. You’re not actually sleeping… What if I feed you? It’s almost wet food time?”
Goblin: “omg, why are you still on the couch?! I’m starving!” waits next to half full bowl of kibble

tales of the goblin - four

Sun, 14 Jun 2026 13:46:58 -0700

Goblin: I’m bored.
Me: Bored?! I just bought you new toys!
Goblin: Yeah, but I beat those games already.
Me: Gam… takes a deep breath One of them is a ball that rolls around and waves a tail when you interact with it. You’re supposed to chase it!
Goblin: It’s not real though. It’s too predictable. I need the thrill of the hunt, the chase, like my mighty ancestors before me!
Me: Yeah, your ancestor was a stray named Kitty Gaga, and your birth name was Husky. I don’t know how mighty…
Goblin: What’s up here? OMG, you’ve been holding out on me! This is amazing! And exactly what I was looking for!
Me: Ugh, you know you’re not allowed on the table!
Goblin: DIE! Pounces dramatically on cloth napkin
Me: Sigh

tales of the goblin - three

Sun, 14 Jun 2026 13:17:27 -0700

Goblin: I’m bored.
Me: I got you a toy to play with.
Goblin: omg this is the most fascinating thing ever I must study this
Me: I haven’t taken it out of the box yet. It needs to charge first.

Me: Okay, here this should keep you from picking the lock to the neighbour’s house.
Goblin: wtf lights sound movement what is this thing wide eyed

Goblin: Okay, I think I’ve figured it out. If I pounce… NOW. Dammit. This is possibly the most cunning adversary I have yet faced! mired concentration

tales of the goblin - two

Sun, 14 Jun 2026 13:17:14 -0700

Goblin: Oh gods, you’re headed downstairs! This is it! I’ve been waiting my whole life for this! excitedly weaves around feet as I descend
Me: Killing me on the stairs will not get you fed faster. weaving intensifies

Goblin: The can of prophecy! My ancestors spoke of such a thing! Give it! Me! It’s mine! Give it! It is for me right!? Food! Give it! Give it! Oh gods! For me? For me! Give it!… this goes on for a while
Me: Enjoy.
Goblin: This is the best thing I’ve ever had, I will savour this meal for…
Me: I’m going upstairs to strip the sheets for the wash.
Goblin: That’s my favourite thing! Wait for meeeeeeeeeeeeee! leaves food mostly uneaten

tales of the goblin - one

Sun, 14 Jun 2026 12:20:04 -0700

Goblin: You’re up! You need to feed me!! I’m starving!!
Me: Ugh, Mario created a monster. You have food in your bowl, you’re not starving.
Goblin: But I want the goooood stuff!! It’s been sooooo long. It’s been nothing but dry kibble for ages!!
Me: You had half a can last night. You’ll be fine. Let me shower.
Goblin: proceeds to gnaw on vinyl blinds