poindexter, WHO?

The Holiness of Coffee, part I

The Coffee Theory of Civilization is simple and indisputable: Coffee  caused
European civilization.

Compare Scandinavia B.C.:

Crude Viking raiders
Subsistence farmers

with Scandinavia A.D. :

Nobel Peace Prize
Danish modern furniture.

Historical evidence suggests that the beginning of the Baroque period in art
closely with the infusion of coffee into the indigenous European cultures.

Coffee was first introduced in Southern Italy and soon spread northward,  in
the same sequence as baroqueness. The advent of the Roccoco period coincides
with the advent of expresso methods. However, even Coffee has proven a mixed
blessing, as the genesis  of the insurance racket  can be traced to  Lloyd's
coffee  house  in  London,  where habities  wagered on  the safe  arrival of
seagoing trading vessels.

Selflessly braving  untold  hazards,  the  authors  have  collected  several
primitive chants  from the  secret javacrucian  sect, which  are recited  by
cultists while grinding beans, during the transsubstantion of water into
starter fluid, and  while  actually  imbibing.  The  most  widely  practiced
javacrucian rite is as follows:

Facing Rising Sun (where applicable; otherwise generic East or any source of
light will do),  and holding the  mug of Brewe,  celebrant takes first  sip,
elevates mug, and intones, "Gods, I needed that!" and means it.

Other rare and previously unrecorded chants are offered below:

A Grinding Invocation:
    We all worship the Black Bean
    Body of God, Caffeine
    Where there is Life There is Coffee!
    Where there is Coffee there is Life!
    (repeat as needed)

Hayduke's Transubstantiation chant:
    Chemicals! Chemicals!
    Chemicals! Chemicals!, etc.

Jamaican Blue Coffee Chant:
     Ja-va! Ja-va! Ja-va!!

North America, circa 1940:
    I like Coffee, I like Tea,
    I like the Java-Jive and it likes me!

The little-known Creation myth of the Javacrucians was channeled one Beltane
Morning by Brother Buffalo, and promptly  forgotten by all, who had not  yet
imbined  the  Sacred Substance.   Careful anthropological  research suggests
that it had something to do with the great God fillintheblank being deterred
from utter destruction of  mankind in a fit  of disgust with the  lesser god

The Holiness of Coffee, Part II

Formulation of the Holy Brew is widely varied, although genrally members  of
differing sects have no  problem  practicing  even  the  most  arcane  rites
together and  harmoniously,  as  long  as  there's  enough.   Sects  of  the
Javacrucian tradition vary  mainly around addatives  to the Basic  Brew. The
authors were able to identify and observe the following sub-sects:

    The Path of Sweetness and Light
    The Great Why Botherhood
    The Path of Delectable Darkness
    The Milky Way

Obscure ritual tools  have been excavated  from settlements of  puppies, who
are suspected of being the  largest suborder of kitchen Javacrucians.  These
artifacts  include  bean roasting  pans, eleborate  electronic devices  with
bells, whistles, lights, and radios, and offering trays and votive vessels.

Heretic  groups have naturally  risen from such a  widespread order, such as
the  path  of the  quick fix  and the  New Reformed  Order of  the Unleaded.
Primitive societies often have the proto-Javacrucians. These include  Cowboy
Coffee, Denneys, and Norwegian Fam-Trads.

Javacrucian  Brahmans have  strict cult requirements  not easily met  by the
less  devoted.   These include  keeping the  Holy Beans  in the  freezer and
grinding in the Prayer  Wheel  only  seconds  before  expresing  the  Sacred
Essence.  Mystery cults also insist on  arcane brewing methods known only to
their members. Which is what makes them a Mystery, See?

Associated Cults  include Teaosophists,  Rastacolians, Mateyanists,  and the
more distantly related Chocolics. This formerly obscure variety of the cocoa
bean has experienced a monumental growth  in membership in the last half  of
the 20th century, when Chocolate suddenly became widely available.  We  have
unearthed some  obscure references  to a  fusion practice  wherein chocolate
covered expresso beans are eaten whole  in order to induce an altered  state
of consciousness. Chocolate is, of course, recognized in all Caffeine  Cults
as the Fifth Element.

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