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The Holiness of Coffee, part I
The Coffee Theory of Civilization is simple and indisputable: Coffee caused
European civilization.
Compare Scandinavia B.C.:
Crude Viking raiders
Subsistence farmers
Bestiality
with Scandinavia A.D. :
Nobel Peace Prize
Euthanasia
Socialism
Danish modern furniture.
Historical evidence suggests that the beginning of the Baroque period in art
closely with the infusion of coffee into the indigenous European cultures.
Coffee was first introduced in Southern Italy and soon spread northward, in
the same sequence as baroqueness. The advent of the Roccoco period coincides
with the advent of expresso methods. However, even Coffee has proven a mixed
blessing, as the genesis of the insurance racket can be traced to Lloyd's
coffee house in London, where habities wagered on the safe arrival of
seagoing trading vessels.
Selflessly braving untold hazards, the authors have collected several
primitive chants from the secret javacrucian sect, which are recited by
cultists while grinding beans, during the transsubstantion of water into
starter fluid, and while actually imbibing. The most widely practiced
javacrucian rite is as follows:
Facing Rising Sun (where applicable; otherwise generic East or any source of
light will do), and holding the mug of Brewe, celebrant takes first sip,
elevates mug, and intones, "Gods, I needed that!" and means it.
Other rare and previously unrecorded chants are offered below:
A Grinding Invocation:
We all worship the Black Bean
Body of God, Caffeine
Where there is Life There is Coffee!
Where there is Coffee there is Life!
(repeat as needed)
Hayduke's Transubstantiation chant:
Chemicals! Chemicals!
Chemicals! Chemicals!, etc.
Jamaican Blue Coffee Chant:
Ja-va! Ja-va! Ja-va!!
North America, circa 1940:
I like Coffee, I like Tea,
I like the Java-Jive and it likes me!
The little-known Creation myth of the Javacrucians was channeled one Beltane
Morning by Brother Buffalo, and promptly forgotten by all, who had not yet
imbined the Sacred Substance. Careful anthropological research suggests
that it had something to do with the great God fillintheblank being deterred
from utter destruction of mankind in a fit of disgust with the lesser god
Java.
The Holiness of Coffee, Part II
Formulation of the Holy Brew is widely varied, although genrally members of
differing sects have no problem practicing even the most arcane rites
together and harmoniously, as long as there's enough. Sects of the
Javacrucian tradition vary mainly around addatives to the Basic Brew. The
authors were able to identify and observe the following sub-sects:
The Path of Sweetness and Light
The Great Why Botherhood
The Path of Delectable Darkness
The Milky Way
Obscure ritual tools have been excavated from settlements of puppies, who
are suspected of being the largest suborder of kitchen Javacrucians. These
artifacts include bean roasting pans, eleborate electronic devices with
bells, whistles, lights, and radios, and offering trays and votive vessels.
Heretic groups have naturally risen from such a widespread order, such as
the path of the quick fix and the New Reformed Order of the Unleaded.
Primitive societies often have the proto-Javacrucians. These include Cowboy
Coffee, Denneys, and Norwegian Fam-Trads.
Javacrucian Brahmans have strict cult requirements not easily met by the
less devoted. These include keeping the Holy Beans in the freezer and
grinding in the Prayer Wheel only seconds before expresing the Sacred
Essence. Mystery cults also insist on arcane brewing methods known only to
their members. Which is what makes them a Mystery, See?
Associated Cults include Teaosophists, Rastacolians, Mateyanists, and the
more distantly related Chocolics. This formerly obscure variety of the cocoa
bean has experienced a monumental growth in membership in the last half of
the 20th century, when Chocolate suddenly became widely available. We have
unearthed some obscure references to a fusion practice wherein chocolate
covered expresso beans are eaten whole in order to induce an altered state
of consciousness. Chocolate is, of course, recognized in all Caffeine Cults
as the Fifth Element.