The Randymon Bash Blog

Programmer Quotes

http://quotes.cat-v.org/programming/

There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies.

    -- C.A.R. Hoare, The 1980 ACM Turing Award Lecture

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The computing scientist’s main challenge is not to get confused by the complexities of his own making.

   -- E. W. Dijkstra

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The cheapest, fastest, and most reliable components are those that aren’t there.

   -- Gordon Bell

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One of my most productive days was throwing away 1000 lines of code.

   -- Ken Thompson

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When in doubt, use brute force.

   -- Ken Thompson

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Deleted code is debugged code.

   -- Jeff Sickel

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Debugging is twice as hard as writing the code in the first place. Therefore, if you write the code as cleverly as possible, you are, by definition, not smart enough to debug it.

   -- Brian W. Kernighan and P. J. Plauger in The Elements of Programming
    Style. 

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The most effective debugging tool is still careful thought, coupled with judiciously placed print statements.

   -- Brian W. Kernighan, in the paper Unix for Beginners (1979)

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Controlling complexity is the essence of computer programming.

   -- Brian Kernighan

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Beauty is more important in computing than anywhere else in technology because software is so complicated. Beauty is the ultimate defence against complexity.

   -- David Gelernter

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UNIX was not designed to stop its users from doing stupid things, as that would also stop them from doing clever things.

   -- Doug Gwyn

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If you’re willing to restrict the flexibility of your approach, you can almost always do something better.

   -- John Carmack

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And folks, let’s be honest. Sturgeon was an optimist. Way more than 90% of code is crap.

   -- viro [http://www.ussg.iu.edu/hypermail/linux/kernel/0310.0/0870.html]

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A data structure is just a stupid programming language.

   -- R. Wm. Gosper

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The essence of XML is this: the problem it solves is not hard, and it does not solve the problem well.

   -- Phil Wadler, POPL 2003

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A program that produces incorrect results twice as fast is infinitely slower.

   -- John Osterhout

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Life is too short to run proprietary software.

   -- Bdale Garbee

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I had a nightmare once in which I a had convinced a friend how wonderful C++ is. A while later he came back., and he was mad.[sic]

   -- Robin Rosenberg 

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XML is like violence: if it doesn’t solve your problem, you aren’t using enough of it.

   -- Heard from someone working at Microsoft

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XML is like violence. Sure, it seems like a quick and easy solution at first, but then it spirals out of control into utter chaos.

   -- Sarkos in reddit

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Threads [and] signals [are] a platform-dependant trail of misery, despair, horror and madness.

   -- Anthony Baxter [http://mail.python.org/pipermail/python-dev/2005-July/]

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Computers are about making life easier in much the same way that the Republican party is about fiscal responsibility and a culture of life.

   -- mister_borogove [http://www.livejournal.com/users/jwz/536902.html?thread=9506374#t9506374]

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All software sucks, be it open-source [or] proprietary. The only question is what can be done with particular instance of suckage, and that’s where having the source matters.

   -- viro [http://www.ussg.iu.edu/hypermail/linux/kernel/0404.3/1344.html]

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Mathematicians stand on each others' shoulders and computer scientists stand on each others' toes.

   -- Richard Hamming

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It’s not that Perl programmers are idiots, it’s that the language rewards idiotic behavior in a way that no other language or tool has ever done.

   -- Erik Naggum, comp.lang.lisp

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Out-of-band == should be on a separate channel�

   -- Al Viro

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It’s a curious thing about our industry: not only do we not learn from our mistakes, we also don’t learn from our successes.

   -- Keith Braithwaite

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Ethernet always wins.

   -- Andy Bechtolsheim

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The central enemy of reliability is complexity.

   -- Geer et al.

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Simplicity is prerequisite for reliability.

   -- Edsger W. Dijkstra

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Beware of “the real world”. A speaker’s apeal to it is always an invitation not to challenge his tacit assumptions.

   -- Edsger W. Dijkstra

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Unix is a junk OS designed by a committee of PhDs.

   -- Dave Cutler

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i’ve wondered whether Linux sysfs should be called syphilis

   -- forsyth

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A program is portable to the extent that it can be easily moved to a new computing environment with much less effort than would be required to write it afresh.

   -- W. Stan Brown [http://groups.google.com/group/comp.std.c/msg/083fb09444dbbc76]

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Programming graphics in X is like finding the square root of PI using Roman numerals.

   -- Henry Spencer

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Forward thinking was just the thing that made Multics what it is today.

   -- Erik Quanstrom

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The Eight Fallacies of Distributed Computing

Essentially everyone, when they first build a distributed application, makes the following eight assumptions. All prove to be false in the long run and all cause big trouble and painful learning experiences.

The network is reliable Latency is zero Bandwidth is infinite The network is secure Topology doesn’t change There is one administrator Transport cost is zero The network is homogeneous – Peter Deutsch

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From: rsc@plan9.bell-labs.com (Russ Cox) Subject: Re: [9fans] design clairvoyance & the 9 way Date: Thu, 8 May 2003 04:05:31 GMT

What does tomorrow’s unix look like?

I’m confident that tomorrow’s Unix will look like today’s Unix, only cruftier.

Russ

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You want to make your way in the CS field? Simple. Calculate rough time of amnesia (hell, 10 years is plenty, probably 10 months is plenty), go to the dusty archives, dig out something fun, and go for it. It’s worked for many people, and it can work for you.

   -- Ron Minnich

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From: Alexander Viro Subject: Re: ANNOUNCE: Linux Kernel ORB: kORBit Date: Sat, 9 Dec 2000 00:39:36 -0500 (EST)

[…]

Yeah… “Infinitely extendable API” and all such. Roughly translated as “we can’t live without API bloat”. Frankly, judging by the GNOME codebase people who designed the thing[GNOME] are culturally incompatible with UNIX.

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What’s wrong with perl?

It combines all the worst aspects of C and Lisp: a billion different sublanguages in one monolithic executable. It combines the power of C with the readability of PostScript.

To me perl is the triumph of utalitarianism.

So are cockroaches. So is `sendmail'. – jwz [http://groups.google.com/groups?selm=33F4D777.7BF84EA3%40netscape.com]

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From: ron minnich rminnich@lanl.gov Subject: [9fans] microkernels

are they the O-O of the OS world? Always the promises …

ron

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Subject: Re: BK, deltas, snapshots and fate of -pre… From: Alexander Viro (viro@math.psu.edu) Url: http://groups.google.com/group/fa.linux.kernel/msg/caede4c7fd703c4e

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Sigh… When it comes to software there are three systems of beliefs. One of them:

* Thou shalt know by your heart that all software sucks.
* Beware of those who say that their software does not suck, for they
  are either fools or liars.
* Beware of those who give you garments and do not allow to mend them,
  for sooner or later thou shalt find what needs mending.
* But beware also of those who give you badly rotten garments and say
  "Thou shalt prefer that above everything, for thou art allowed to
  mend it".
* Thou shalt not treat software as a living being, for it is not one.
* Choose a license of thine liking for sofware thou writest and do not
  blame those who choose differently for software they write.
* Know when to say "It can be mended, I shalt do that" and when to
  say "It is rotten beyond repair".
* Choose free over non-free when it is better or when thou art willing
  to fix what is broken.
* When shit happens, think how to fix it.

Another:

* All software wants to be free
* Thou shalt not use non-free software
* Thou shalt not mention non-free software
* Thou shalt make all thine software free
* Thou shalt choose free above working, even if free one is broken
  beyond repair
* When shit happens, add new features

and the last one:

* Our 3133t! K3wl! Software! Does Not Suck!!!
* Always choose our software above everything else
* When shit happens, we add new features

If you happen to believe in second variant, you have my condolence as long as you don’t force your beliefs on everybody else. If you choose to emulate door-to-door pests^HHHHreachers - don’t expect to be treated differently.

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People do have a right to put their code under whatever license they like. Now, I won’t use the stuff I don’t have a source for unless I have exceptionally good reason to believe that authors of that stuff are among the few percents of programmers who can find their arse without outside help. But that has nothing to do with licensing or any moral considerations and everything to the fact that I know what kind of crap most of the software is.

   -- Al Viro on linux-kernel

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Linus Torvalds wrote:

Ehh.. Telling people “don’t do that” simply doesn’t work. Not if they can do it easily anyway. Things really don’t get fixed unless people have a certain pain-level to induce it to get fixed.

Umm… How about the following: you hit delete on patches that introduce new ioctls, I help to provide required level of pain. Deal? – Al Viro on linux-kernel

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James Simmons wrote:

Crap can work. Given enough thrust pigs will fly, but it’s not necessary a good idea. [ Alexander Viro on linux-kernel ]

Watch the attributions.

With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine. However, this is not necessarily a good idea. It is hard to be sure where they are going to land, and it could be dangerous sitting under them as they fly overhead. From RFC1925, R Callon, 1996. – Al Viro on linux-kernel

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In the same world where Vomit-Making System is elegant, SGI “designs” are and NT is The Wave Of Future�. Pardon me, but I’ll stay in our universe and away from the drugs of such power.

   -- Al Viro on linux-kernel

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Or even XML. Ouch! No need to throw things at me!

It seems they would be thrown! XML in kernel is too much. OpenOffice and

They won’t be thrown. They will be slowly driven under the nails, so that victim could experience the joy equal to that of dealing with XML. – Alexander Viro on linux-kernel

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A Professor of Computer Science gave a paper on how he uses Linux to teach his undergraduates about operating systems. Someone in the audience asked why use Linux rather than Plan 9?‘ and the professor answered:Plan 9 looks like it was written by experts; Linux looks like something my students could aspire to write’.

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Computer: Your nominators and endorsers for the Kanai Award consistently characterized your work as simple yet powerful. How do you discover such powerful abstractions?

Ken Thompson: It is the way I think. I am a very bottom-up thinker. If you give me the right kind of Tinker Toys, I can imagine the building. I can sit there and see primitives and recognize their power to build structures a half mile high, if only I had just one more to make it functionally complete. I can see those kinds of things.

The converse is true, too, I think. I can’t from the building imagine the Tinker Toys. When I see a top-down description of a system or language that has infinite libraries described by layers and layers, all I just see is a morass. I can’t get a feel for it. I can’t understand how the pieces fit; I can’t understand something presented to me that’s very complex. Maybe I do what I do because if I built anything more complicated, I couldn’t understand it. I really must break it down into little pieces.

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if you’re capable of understanding `finalised virtual hyperstationary factory class', remembering the Java class hierarchy, and all the details of the Java Media Framework, you are (a) a better man than i am (b) capable of filling your mind with large chunks of complexity, so concurrent programming should be simple by comparison. go for it.

ps. i made up the hyperstationary, but then again, it’s probably a design pattern.

   -- forsyth

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At first I hoped that such a technically unsound project would collapse but I soon realized it was doomed to success. Almost anything in software can be implemented, sold, and even used given enough determination. There is nothing a mere scientist can say that will stand against the flood of a hundred million dollars. But there is one quality that cannot be purchased in this way -and that is reliability. The price of reliability is the pursuit of the utmost simplicity. It is a price which the very rich find most hard to pay.

   -- C.A.R. Hoare

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Vacuumware: n, software which was written specifically to fill a void in the industry, especially software which is successful more due to how well it fills that void than due to anything else, like usability or utility. I believe it may have been Dennis Ritchie who said (about X) “Sometimes when you fill a vacuum, it still sucks.” X is a prime example of vacuumware, and in fact inspired the term.

[http://www.uta.fi/FAST/US8/PLAY/inklish.html]

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I remarked to Dennis [Ritchie] that easily half the code I was writing in Multics was error recovery code. He said, “We left all that stuff out [of Unix]. If there’s an error, we have this routine called panic, and when it is called, the machine crashes, and you holler down the hall, "Hey, reboot it.‘”

   -- Tom Van Vleck [http://www.multicians.org/unix.html]

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RMS is to Unix, like Hitler [was] to Nietzsche.

   -- Federico Benavento

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Unix is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

   -- Dennis Ritchie

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Most xml i’ve seen makes me think i’m dyslexic. it also looks constipated, and two health problems in one standard is just too much.

   -- Charles Forsyth

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PHP is a minor evil perpetrated and created by incompetent amateurs, whereas Perl is a great and insidious evil perpetrated by skilled but perverted professionals.

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OAuth is the best that the wrong way of doing things can provide.

   -- Mike Stay [http://blog.360.yahoo.com/blog-TBPekxc1dLNy5DOloPfzVvFIVOWMB0li?p=1006]

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This “users are idiots, and are confused by functionality' mentality of Gnome is a disease. If you think your users are idiots, only idiots will use it.

   -- Linus

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{Ex-Cyber} some part of me desperately wants to believe that XML-RPC is some kind of elaborate joke, like a cross between Discordianism and IP Over Avian Carriers

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The only places for icons is in a church, a burning church at that.

   -- mhat

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The key to performance is elegance, not battalions of special cases.

   -- Jon Bentley and Doug McIlroy

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Just because the standard provides a cliff in front of you, you are not necessarily required to jump off it.

   -- Norman Diamond

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Are you quite sure that all those bells and whistles, all those wonderful facilities of your so called powerful programming languages, belong to the solution set rather than the problem set?

   -- Edsger W. Dijkstra

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Measuring programming progress by lines of code is like measuring aircraft building progress by weight.

   -- Bill Gates

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The object-oriented model makes it easy to build up programs by accretion. What this often means, in practice, is that it provides a structured way to write spaghetti code.

   -- Paul Graham

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First, solve the problem. Then, write the code.

   -- John Johnson

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Most software today is very much like an Egyptian pyramid with millions of bricks piled on top of each other, with no structural integrity, but just done by brute force and thousands of slaves.

   -- Alan Kay

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Correctness is clearly the prime quality. If a system does not do what it is supposed to do, then everything else about it matters little.

   -- Bertrand Meyer

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Complexity kills. It sucks the life out of developers, it makes products difficult to plan, build and test, it introduces security challenges and it causes end-user and administrator frustration.

   -- Ray Ozzie

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If the designers of X Windows built cars, there would be no fewer than five steering wheels hidden about the cockpit, none of which followed the same principles – but you’d be able to shift gears with your car stereo. Useful feature that.

   -- Marcus J. Ranum, DEC

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A language that doesn’t have everything is actually easier to program in than some that do.

   -- Dennis M. Ritchie

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Mostly, when you see programmers, they aren’t doing anything. One of the attractive things about programmers is that you cannot tell whether or not they are working simply by looking at them. Very often they’re sitting there seemingly drinking coffee and gossiping, or just staring into space. What the programmer is trying to do is get a handle on all the individual and unrelated ideas that are scampering around in his head.

   -- Charles M. Strauss

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Haskell is faster than C++, more concise than Perl, more regular than Python, more flexible than Ruby, more typeful than C#, more robust than Java, and has absolutely nothing in common with PHP.

   -- Autrijus Tang

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You can’t trust code that you did not totally create yourself.

   -- Ken Thompson

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Object-oriented design is the roman numerals of computing.

   -- Rob Pike

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Not only is UNIX dead, it’s starting to smell really bad.

   -- Rob Pike circa 1991

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{ajh} I always viewed HURD development like the Special Olympics of free software.

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cat came back from Berkeley waving flags

   -- Rob Pike

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We have persistant(sic) objects, they’re called files.

   -- Ken Thompson

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If you want to go somewhere, goto is the best way to get there.

   -- ken

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The X server has to be the biggest program I’ve ever seen that doesn’t do anything for you.

   -- Ken Thompson

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A smart terminal is not a smartass terminal, but rather a terminal you can educate.

   -- Rob Pike

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Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.

   -- Leonardo da Vinci

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Increasingly, people seem to misinterpret complexity as sophistication, which is baffling – the incomprehensible should cause suspicion rather than admiration. Possibly this trend results from a mistaken belief that using a somewhat mysterious device confers an aura of power on the user.

   -- Niklaus Wirth

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Compatibility means deliberately repeating other people’s mistakes.

   -- David Wheeler

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[Like programmers] prostitutes also think they all suck.

And both, programmers and prostitutes, are right: they suck. The big difference is that prostitutes got the term “user-friendly” right.

   -- yiyus [http://www.reddit.com/r/programming/comments/8y348/my_programming_quotes_file_was_well_received_when/c0aspwo]

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The Purpose of Computing is Insight, Not Numbers.

   -- This is the motto of the book Numerical Methods for Scientists and
    Engineers by Richard Hamming. 

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Every methodology I’ve come across has, at its kernel, a very small section labelled “do magic here”.

   -- Katie [http://www.fysh.org/~katie/computing/methodologies.txt]

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I recommend the linux people to call it “GNU / Linux” instead of “GNU/Linux”. never hurts to distance yourself from GNU.

   -- mjl on #plan9-social

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For the sinner deserves not life but death, according to the disk devices. For example, start with Plan 9, which is free of sin, the case is different from His perspective.

   -- Mark V. Shaney

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Trying to express implicit and fuzzy relationships in ways that are explicit and sharp doesn’t clarify the meaning, it destroys it.

   -- Clay Shirky [http://www.shirky.com/writings/semantic_syllogism.html]

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Unix has retarded OS research by 10 years and linux has retarded it by 20.

   -- Dennis Ritchie as quoted by by Boyd Roberts in 9fans.

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Any program that tries to be so generalized and configurable that it could handle any kind of task will either fall short of this goal, or will be horribly broken.

   -- Chris Wenham

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Nobody who uses XML knows what they are doing.

   -- Chris Wenham

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Debugging time increases as a square of the program’s size.

   -- Chris Wenham

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I guess it’s like smart compiler for dumb people, and dumb compiler for smart people. But then smart compiler gets too smart.. so neither dumb nor smart people can understand it.

   -- fgb on compilers and gcc

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in aeronautical circles, it’s said that the f4 is proof that given enough thrust even a brick will fly.

linux is the f4 of computing?

   -- erik quanstrom

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It seems to me more like you use foresight and pessimism to avoid getting into situations where you need to demonstrate exceptional programming ability.

   -- mister_borogove speaking to jwz [http://jwz.livejournal.com/1096593.html]

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Comparing a computer language to a human language is like comparing an operating system kernel to a popcorn kernel.

   -- kryptkpr [http://www.reddit.com/r/programming/comments/9upno/c_is_frequently_reviled_both_by_those_who_never/c0eiyqu]

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Hofstadter’s Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter’s Law.

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My definition of an expert in any field is a person who knows enough about what’s really going on to be scared.

   -- P. J. Plauger, Computer Language, March 1983

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Every language has an optimization operator. In C++ that operator is “//'

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Nobody should start to undertake a large project. You start with a small trivial project, and you should never expect it to get large. If you do, you’ll just overdesign and generally think it is more important than it likely is at that stage. Or worse, you might be scared away by the sheer size of the work you envision. So start small, and think about the details. Don’t think about some big picture and fancy design. If it doesn’t solve some fairly immediate need, it’s almost certainly over-designed. And don’t expect people to jump in and help you. That’s not how these things work. You need to get something half-way useful first, and then others will say “hey, that almost works for me”, and they’ll get involved in the project.

   -- Linus Torvalds

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Theory is when you know something, but it doesn’t work. Practice is when something works, but you don’t know why. Programmers combine theory and practice: Nothing works and they don’t know why.

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A computer is a stupid machine with the ability to do incredibly smart things, while computer programmers are smart people with the ability to do incredibly stupid things. They are, in short, a perfect match

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Q: What is the most often-overlooked risk in software engineering?

A: Incompetent programmers. There are estimates that the number of programmers needed in the U.S. exceeds 200,000. This is entirely misleading. It is not a quantity problem; we have a quality problem. One bad programmer can easily create two new jobs a year. Hiring more bad programmers will just increase our perceived need for them. If we had more good programmers, and could easily identify them, we would need fewer, not more.

   -- David Parnas

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Well over half of the time you spend working on a project (on the order of 70 percent) is spent thinking, and no tool, no matter how advanced, can think for you. Consequently, even if a tool did everything except the thinking for you – if it wrote 100 percent of the code, wrote 100 percent of the documentation, did 100 percent of the testing, burned the CD-ROMs, put them in boxes, and mailed them to your customers – the best you could hope for would be a 30 percent improvement in productivity. In order to do better than that, you have to change the way you think.

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The best code is no code at all.

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Before software can be reusable it first has to be usable.

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Old programs read like quiet conversations between a well-spoken research worker and a well-studied mechanical colleague, not as a debate with a compiler. Who’d have guessed sophistication bought such noise?

   -- Dick Gabriel

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This is one of the reasons Lisp doesn’t get anywhere. The trend to promote features so clever that you stop thinking about your problem and start thinking about the clever features. CL’s loop is so powerful that people invented functional programming so that they’d never have to use it.

   -- G_Morgan in reddit [http://www.reddit.com/r/programming/comments/a481l/so_to_get_back_to_the_point_go_vs_algol68_tbh_i/c0fs2nk]

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More computing sins are committed in the name of efficiency (without necessarily achieving it) than for any other single reason - including blind stupidity.

   -- William A. Wulf

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There is not now, nor has there ever been, nor will there ever be, any programming language in which it is the least bit difficult to write bad code.

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Program testing can be a very effective way to show the presence of bugs, but is hopelessly inadequate for showing their absence.

   -- Edsger W. Dijkstra

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The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

   -- Edsger W. Dijkstra

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Parkinson’s Law Otherwise known as the law of bureaucracy, this law states that�

“Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion.”

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It has been said that the great scientific disciplines are examples of giants standing on the shoulders of other giants. It has also been said that the software industry is an example of midgets standing on the toes of other midgets.

   -- Alan Cooper, About Face

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Code never lies, comments sometimes do.

   -- Ron Jeffries

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What I cannot build, I do not understand.

   -- Richard Feynman

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If we’d asked the customers what they wanted, they would have said “faster horses”

   -- Henry Ford

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I (�) am rarely happier than when spending an entire day programming my computer to perform automatically a task that would otherwise take me a good ten seconds to do by hand.

   -- Douglas Adams, Last Chance to See

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Programming is not a zero-sum game. Teaching something to a fellow programmer doesn’t take it away from you. I’m happy to share what I can, because I’m in it for the love of programming. The Ferraris are just gravy, honest!

   -- John Carmack, from Michael Abrash' Graphics Programming Black Book.

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I have found that the reason a lot of people are interested in artificial intelligence is the same reason a lot of people are interested in artificial limbs: they are missing one.

   -- David Parnas

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Once you’ve dressed and before you leave the house, look in the mirror and take at least one thing off.

   -- Coco Chanel

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When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I think only how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

   -- R. Buckminster Fuller

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I have always found that plans are useless, but planning is indispensable.

   -- Dwight D. Eisenhower

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I will, in fact, claim that the difference between a bad programmer and a good one is whether he considers his code or his data structures more important. Bad programmers worry about the code. Good programmers worry about data structures and their relationships.

   -- Linus Torvalds

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Software is like entropy. It is difficult to grasp, weighs nothing, and obeys the second law of thermodynamics; i.e. it always increases.

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A fool with a tool is a more dangerous fool.

   -- u.

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The best things are simple, but finding these simple things is not simple.

   -- bill [http://stackoverflow.com/questions/58640/great-programming-quotes/1003525#1003525]

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Some problems are so complex that you have to be highly intelligent and well informed just to be undecided about them.

   -- Laurence J. Peter

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The most amazing achievement of the computer software industry is its continuing cancellation of the steady and staggering gains made by the computer hardware industry.

   -- Henry Petroski

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Theory is when you know something, but it doesn’t work. Practice is when something works, but you don’t know why. Programmers combine theory and practice: Nothing works and they don’t know why.

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Once a new technology starts rolling, if you’re not part of the steamroller, you’re part of the road.

   -- Stewart Brand

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Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.

   -- Fred Brooks

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� the cost of adding a feature isn’t just the time it takes to code it. The cost also includes the addition of an obstacle to future expansion. � The trick is to pick the features that don’t fight each other.

   -- John Carmack

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With diligence it is possible to make anything run slowly.

   -- Tom Duff

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Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius – and a lot of courage – to move in the opposite direction.

   -- Albert Einstein

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A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesmen and philosophers and divines.

   -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

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For a sucessful technology, honesty must take precedence over public relations for nature cannot be fooled.

   -- Richard Feynman

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Comparing to another activity is useful if it helps you formulate questions, it’s dangerous when you use it to justify answers.

   -- Martin Fowler

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Simplicity carried to the extreme becomes elegance.

   -- Jon Franklin

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Software obeys the law of gaseous expansion - it continues to grow until memory is completely filled.

   -- Larry Gleason

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The unavoidable price of reliability is simplicity.

   -- C.A.R. Hoare

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The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak.

   -- Hans Hoffmann

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Trying to outsmart a compiler defeats much of the purpose of using one.

   -- Kernighan and Plauger, The Elements of Programming Style.

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You’re bound to be unhappy if you optimize everything.

   -- Donald Knuth

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A distributed system is one in which the failure of a computer you didn’t even know existed can render your own computer unusable.

   -- Leslie Lamport

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But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed, analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses.

   -- Bruce Leverett, Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers

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The proper use of comments is to compensate for our failure to express ourself in code.

   -- Robert C. MartinClean Code

%

If you want a product with certain characteristics, you must ensure that the team has those characteristics before the product’s development.

   -- Jim McCarthy and Michele McCarthy - Software for your Head

%

You can’t have great software without a great team, and most software teams behave like dysfunctional families.

   -- Jim McCarthy

%

Testing by itself does not improve software quality. Test results are an indicator of quality, but in and of themselves, they don’t improve it. Trying to improve software quality by increasing the amount of testing is like trying to lose weight by weighing yourself more often. What you eat before you step onto the scale determines how much you will weigh, and the software development techniques you use determine how many errors testing will find. If you want to lose weight, don’t buy a new scale; change your diet. If you want to improve your software, don’t test more; develop better.

   -- Steve McConnell Code Complete

%

Correctness is clearly the prime quality. If a system does not do what it is supposed to do, then everything else about it matters little.

   -- Bertrand Meyer

%

Incorrect documentation is often worse than no documentation.

   -- Bertrand Meyer

%

Software sucks because users demand it to.

   -- Nathan Myhrvold

%

Unformed people delight in the gaudy and in novelty. Cooked people delight in the ordinary.

   -- Erik Naggum

%

There’s no sense being exact about something if you don’t even know what you’re talking about.

   -- John von Neumann

%

That’s the thing about people who think they hate computers. What they really hate is lousy programmers.

   -- Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle Oath of Fealty

%

Search all the parks in all your cities; you’ll find no statues of committees.

   -- David Ogilvy

%

Good code is short, simple, and symmetrical - the challenge is figuring out how to get there.

   -- Sean Parent

%

Fashion is something barbarous, for it produces innovation without reason and imitation without benefit.

   -- George Santayana

%

Forgive him, for he believes that the customs of his tribe are the laws of nature!

   -- G.B. Shaw

%

The only sin is to make a choice without knowing you are making one.

   -- Jonathan Shewchuk

%

It is a painful thing to look at your own trouble and know that you yourself and no one else has made it.

   -- Sophocles, Ajax

%

The primary duty of an exception handler is to get the error out of the lap of the programmer and into the surprised face of the user. Provided you keep this cardinal rule in mind, you can’t go far wrong.

   -- Verity Stob

%

A notation is important for what it leaves out.

   -- Joseph Stoy

%

An organisation that treats its programmers as morons will soon have programmers that are willing and able to act like morons only.

   -- Bjarne Stroustrup

%

I have always wished that my computer would be as easy to use as my telephone. My wish has come true. I no longer know how to use my telephone.

   -- Bjarne Stroustrup

%

The most important single aspect of software development is to be clear about what you are trying to build.

   -- Bjarne Stroustrup

%

The best is the enemy of the good.

   -- Voltaire

%

As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn’t as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in my own programs.

   -- Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949

%

Software gets slower faster than hardware gets faster.

   -- Wirth's law

%

The purpose of software engineering is to control complexity, not to create it.

   -- Dr. Pamela Zave

%

I object to doing things that computers can do.

   -- Olin Shivers

%

Simplicity – the art of maximizing the amount of work not done – is essential.

   -- From the Agile Manifesto.

%

When you want to do something differently from the rest of the world, it’s a good idea to look into whether the rest of the world knows something you don’t.

%

Perilous to us all are the devices of an art deeper than that which we possess ourselves.

   -- J.R.R. Tolkien

%

Complexity has nothing to do with intelligence, simplicity does.

   -- Larry Bossidy

%

If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t matter how fast it doesn’t work.

   -- Mich Ravera

%

Simplicity is hard to build, easy to use, and hard to charge for. Complexity is easy to build, hard to use, and easy to charge for.

   -- Chris Sacca

%

what society overwhelmingly asks for is snake oil. Of course, the snake oil has the most impressive names– otherwise you would be selling nothing– like “Structured Analysis and Design”, “Software Engineering”, “Maturity Models”, “Management Information Systems”, “Integrated Project Support Environments” “Object Orientation” and “Business Process Re-engineering” (the latter three being known as IPSE, OO and BPR, respectively).

   -- Edsger W. Dijkstra-- EWD 1175: The strengths of the academic
    enterprise [Today we could add "Extreme Programming', "Agile Software
    Development' and many more.]  

%

They won’t tell you that they don’t understand it; they will happily invent their way through the gaps and obscurities.

   -- V.A. Vyssotsky on software programmers and their views on
    specifications 

%

In software, the most beautiful code, the most beautiful functions, and the most beautiful programs are sometimes not there at all.

   -- Jon Bentley, Beautiful Code (O'Reilly), "The Most Beautiful Code I
    Never Wrote" 

%

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

   -- Andy Rooney

%

True glory consists in doing what deserves to be written; in writing what deserves to be read.

   -- Pliny the Elder

%

The whole point of getting things done is knowing what to leave undone.

   -- Oswald Chambers

%

Q: What is the difference between an object methodologist and a terrorist? A: You can negotiate with the terrorist.

%

One Page Principle: A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch paper cannot be understood.

   -- Mark Ardis

%

The whole HTML validation exercise is questionable, but validating as XHTML is flat-out masochism. Only recommended for those that enjoy pain. Or programmers. I can’t always tell the difference.

   -- Jeff Atwood

%

When in doubt, leave it out.

   -- Joshua Bloch

%

No code is faster than no code.

   -- merb motto

%

As a rule, software systems do not work well until they have been used, and have failed repeatedly, in real applications.

   -- Dave Parnas

%

OOP is to writing a program, what going through airport security is to flying.

   -- Richard Mansfield

%

The problem with object-oriented languages is they’ve got all this implicit environment that they carry around with them. You wanted a banana but what you got was a gorilla holding the banana and the entire jungle.

   -- Joe Armstrong

%

As a programmer, it is your job to put yourself out of business. What you do today can be automated tomorrow.

   -- Doug McIlroy

%

IDE features are language smells.

   -- Reg Braithwaite

%

PHP is [the] Sarah Palin of programming languages.

   -- killerstorm 

%

A good way to have good ideas is by being unoriginal.

   -- Bram Cohen

%

The comment about developers making work for themselves is also spot on. I answer a lot of programming questions, and the questions are always asked because the programmer has reached the end of a twisty maze of his own creation. Turn around, walk, spin around, and try again. You’ll find a better solution.

   -- Jonathan Rockway in a Hacker News comment

%

a program is like a poem: you cannot write a poem without writing it. Yet people talk about programming as if it were a production process and measure “programmer productivity"in terms of "number of lines of code produced”.In so doing they book that number on the wrong side of the ledger: We should always refer to"the number of lines of code spent".

   -- E. W. Dijkstra

%

it’s an old observation that in order to be useful hypothesis has to be falsifiable. Similar principle applies to design proposals - to be worth of any attention they have to be detailed enough to allow meaningful criticism.

What you have done so far is equivalent to coming to a hospital and saying “aseptic good, infection bad”. That would get pretty much the same reactions, varying from “yes, we know” to “do you have any specific suggestions?” and “stop wasting our time”[1].

In short: get lost and do not come back until you have something less vague.

[1] If you are insistent enough, you might also earn a free referral to psychiatrist.

   -- Al Viro in lkml

%

These are some of the types of problems engineers at REAL software shops have to solve to be able to ship REAL product for REAL money. If you haven’t HAD to produce code like this yourself at some point in your carrier then you’ve lived a sheltered life.

Its disingenuous for you to get on your ivory tower to point and laugh.

Well, you see, after spending years cleaning up the excrements of self-styled “REAL engineers” it’s either get on the tower to point and laugh or get on the tower to point and shoot.

   -- Al Viro in lkml

%

“Layered approach' is not a magic incantation to excuse any bit of snake oil. Homeopathic remedies might not harm (pure water is pure water), but that’s not an excuse for quackery. And frankly, most of the "security improvement' crowd sound exactly like woo-peddlers.

   -- Al Viro

%

The trick is to fix the problem you have, rather than the problem you want.

   -- Bram Cohen

%

Security is a state of mind.

   -- NSA Security Manual

%

Never attribute to funny hardware that which can be adequately explained by broken locking.

   -- Erik Quanstrom

%

Things which any idiot could write usually have the quality of having been written by an idiot.

   -- Bram Cohen

%

In programming the hard part isn’t solving problems, but deciding what problems to solve.

   -- Paul Graham

%

[POSIX] unifying unix? more like formalizing historical design mistakes made by major vendors�

   -- ttyv0

%

Do I really want to be using a language where memoize is a PhD-level topic?

   -- Mark Engelberg about Haskell

%

The beauty of small and simple code is that you can bend or break the rules as long it stays small and simple. Rules allow people to write code without thinking. [And when] you dont think [�] you get bloated code that just concatenates stupid patterns.

People stop thinking and questioning [and] then its just worshipping some rules without any pruporse.

   -- Cinap Lenrek

%

If you start programming by learning perl you will just become a menace to your self and others.

   -- egoncasteel

%

When there is no type hierarchy you don’t have to manage the type hierarchy.

   -- Rob Pike

%

Programming languages should be designed not by piling feature on top of feature, but by removing the weaknesses and restrictions that make additional features appear necessary.

   -- RnRS

%

Software efficiency halves every 18 months, compensating Moore’s Law.

   -- May's Law

%

So-called “smart” software usually is the worst you can imagine.

   -- Christian Neukirchen

%

Such is modern computing: everything simple is made too complicated because it’s easy to fiddle with; everything complicated stays complicated because it’s hard to fix.

   -- Rob Pike

%

It is not that uncommon for the cost of an abstraction to outweigh the benefit it delivers. Kill one today!

   -- John Carmack

%

So much complexity in software comes from trying to make one thing do two things.

   -- Ryan Singer

%

The standard rule is, when you’re in a hole, stop digging; that seems not to apply [to] software nowadays.

   -- Ron Minnich

%

Languages that try to disallow idiocy become themselves idiotic.

   -- Rob Pike

%

uriel: When I read “OMG (Object Management Group)” I think “Oh My God!”. gobongo: Fitting because whenever someone suggests I use UML I think “Oh My God (is this guy on crack?)!”.

%

There’s nothing in computing that can’t be broken by another level of indirection.

   -- Rob Pike

%

A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that worked. The inverse proposition also appears to be true: A complex system designed from scratch never works and cannot be made to work.

   -- John Gall

%

“design patterns” are concepts used by people who can’t learn by any method except memorization, so in place of actual programming ability, they memorize “patterns” and throw each one in sequence at a problem until it works

   -- Dark_Shikari

%

One of the big lessons of a big project is you don’t want people that aren’t really programmers programming, you’ll suffer for it!

   -- John Carmack

%

Premature optimization, that’s like a sneeze. Premature abstraction is like ebola; it makes my eyes bleed.

   -- Christer Ericson

%

Premature optimizations can be troublesome to revert, but premature generalizations are often near impossible.

   -- Emil Persson

%

Premature optimization, that’s like a fart. Premature abstraction is like taking a dump on another developer’s desk.

   -- Chris Eric

%

Normal people believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.

   -- Scott Adams

%

If you give someone a program, you will frustrate them for a day; if you teach them how to program, you will frustrate them for a lifetime.

   -- David Leinweber (NOWS)

%

And don’t EVER make the mistake that you can design something better than what you get from ruthless massively parallel trial-and-error with a feedback cycle. That’s giving your intelligence much too much credit.

   -- Linus (http://tinyurl.com/2kkl77)

Nerd Humor

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.

%

“There are only three kinds of people in the world: those who can count, and those who can’t.”

%

nothing puts a smile on my face in the morning like a cup of coffee and a new MS exploit

%

To understand recursion, one must first understand recursion.

%

Friends don’t help friends install MS junk.

%

Freedom of speech doesn’t come with bandwidth.

%

All your booze are belong to us.

%

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

%

Homer Simpson on Windows NT: “Server goes up, server goes down. Server goes up, Server goes down…”

%

chown -R us your/base

%

Using the internet as it was originally intended… for the further research of pornography and pipebombs.

%

0 1 - just my two bits

%

Stochastic algorithm seeks heuristic relationship

%

Want to Make $$$$ with your Computer? No Risk! Simply press shift-4 four times in a row

%

Internet Irony: www.noads.com [noads.com]

%

Ping Home…

%

There are already a million monkeys on a million typewriters, and Usenet is NOTHING like Shakespeare.

%

-… — .-. . -.. ..–..

%

The plural of ‘anecdote’ is not ‘data’.

%

My God, it’s full of source!

%

I miss the good old days when the internet was hard to use.

%

Warning: Poster of this comment is a nerd. Just like everybody else here.

%

Yes, I’ve read the man pages.

%

Thanks to the Total Information Act, at least I know one person is reading my posts. Hi Mr. Poindexter!

%

Microsoft Palladium - Where the Hell do you think YOU’RE going today?

%

Give me a place to stand and a lever long enough and I will get sidetracked and watch ST:NG reruns

%

Dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with Windows™

%

information wants to be two dollah!

%

“error in bathroom.pl… core dump.”

%

Idiots, Every single one of YOU, A flaming mass of conglomerated morons, hey wait a second, isnt that how RAID works?

%

Why yes, I AM a rocket scientist!

%

Yes, of course it’s the right cabl [le0: NO CARRIER]

%

WWJD? JWRTFM!!!

%

Beta: Greek for “still doesn’t work.”

%

Real programmers don’t comment! / It was hard to write, It should be hard to read!

%

Calculate every possible destination along their last known trajectory.–Darth V. launches self-DoS

%

My hard drive is just a 4th-level-cache between the CPU and the Internet

%

“Outlook not so good.” That magic 8-ball knows everything! I’ll ask about Exchange Server next

%

i have people skills, i deal with the damn customers. Can’t you see that ? What’s wrong with you people ?

%

God is real unless declared integer

%

63,000 bugs in the code, 63,000 bugs, ya get 1 whacked with a service pack, now there’s 63,005 bugs in the code!!

%

Engineers are not boring people… we just get excited over boring things.

%

“If I wanted your input on this project, I’d stick my hand up your ass and use you like a sock-puppet.” - Muse

%

C:\DOS. C:\DOS RUN. RUN DOS RUN

%

“whois awk?”, sed Grep.

%

Wise man say: A skilled troll is a master baiter.

%

I came, I conquered, I coredumped

%

“Backups are for wimps. Real men upload their data to an FTP site and have everyone else mirror it.” – Linus Torvalds

%

Not only does Jesus save, but he makes nightly off-site backups.

%

To mess up a Linux box, you need to work at it; to mess up a Windows box, you just need to work on it.

%

Thank you EULA, may I have another.

%

80 column hard wrapped e-mail is not a sign of intelligent life

%

Im sure glad my network runs on Windows!//hey it is pretty nice - i’m having a look around right now!

%

Who is this Cron Daemon guy, and why does he email me every month?

%

you should read everything on the internet as if it had “but I’m probably full of shit” appended to it.

%

A tautology is a thing which is tautological.

%

No trees were harmed in the posting of this message. However, many electrons were inconvenienced

%

The internet is my Crack, and I am it’s whore.

%

You can’t spell “SCO Sucks” without “SCO”.

%

Jesus saves. Buddha makes incremental backups.

%

apt-get install deathstar && deathstar alderaan && echo “You’re far too trusting”

%

A Mac guy says the user is in charge, and thinks it’s a law of nature. Microsoft treats users as a renewable resource, to be used and reused as needed. We Unix types, on the other hand, know that users are an unfortunate side effect.

%

You could try the spam virus email and spam - there’s not much spam in that…

%

Microsoft - Where would you like to go today, Maybe Jail?

%

chmod 700 your_sister

%

The difficulties nerds have with the world stem from the fact that not all problems can be solved by nerdery.

%

First they came for those who wanted more than 120 characters, but I did not speak out, because I did not want more tha

%

BeOS was the mutt’s nuts

%

God is REAL! Unless explicitly declared INTEGER

%

DRM ‘manages access’ in the same way that jail ‘manages freedom.’

%

Saying Java is nice because it works on all OS’s is like saying that anal sex is nice because it works on all genders.

%

Calling OSX secure is like calling the 2nd fattest girl in the bar “skinny”.

%

FOSS is chess. Proprietary is poker, and you’re the pokee.

%

The Commodore holds a lot of memories in only 64K.

%

I patented screwing your mom. But it got revoked for “prior art.”

%

I have no special talents. I am only passionately curious. -Albert Einstein

%

DISCLAIMER: Use of this advanced computing technology does not imply an endorsement of Western industrial civilization.

%

Post may contain irony: discontinue use if experiencing mood swings, nausea or elevated blood pressure.

%

${YEAR+1} is going to be the year of Linux on the desktop!

%

Yea, though I walk through the valley in the shadow of hype, I shall fear no fanboy…

%

I’m going to create my own nerd website, with blackjack.. and hookers.. In fact, forget the site

%

Blessed are the pessimists, for they have made backups.

%

Web2.0: I love when people Flickr my cuil and digg my boingboing until my google is reddit and I start to yahoo

%

this great guy, bringing you +5, Funny posts since Jan 1, 1970

%

OS X…because making UNIX friendly was easier than fixing Windows.

%

A pizza of radius z and thickness a has a volume of pi z z a

%

1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d

%

First we thought the PC was a calculator. Then we found out how to turn numbers into letters with ASCII and we thought it was a typewriter. Then we discovered graphics, and we thought it was television. With the World Wide Web, we’ve realized it’s a brochure. – Douglas Adams.

%

Some people, when confronted with a problem, think “I know, I’ll use regular expressions.” Now they have two problems. –Jamie Zawinski, in comp.lang.emacs

%

The winner of the debate will be whoever appeals to the general public and doesn’t alienate themself with overly strong opinions. Someone who recognizes strengths and weaknesses in all platforms and summarizes that, but puts a spin on their own favorite platform.

%

SIERRA TANGO FOXTROT UNIFORM

%

Why yes, I am an MS shill - I earned US$10 for this post alone!

%

sudo mod me up

%

Sit, Ubuntu, sit. Good dog.

%

Nerd rage is the funniest rage.

%

First they came for the sexually-active, but I didn’t speak up because I’m a nerd.

%

My computer always used to beat me at chess, but it is no match for me since I changed the competition to kick boxing.

%

He who has no .plan has small finger. ~ Confuscious on UNIX

%

Message contains 1 attachment: spam.gif

%

“I only got as far as the 3 Arrs in pirate school…”

%

Yeah right. You know that, late at night, when all the other coders have gone home, after the custodian has come by his office…[Linus Torvalds] peeks out of his office to make sure the coast is clear…draws the blinds, locks the door…and he’s dual booting, man, he’s dual booting so hard. And it’s wrong, but it feels so right.

%

Somebody ship[Torvalds, who called himself a ‘technology whore’] a free Windows PocketPC phone and see whether he’s a high-class technology escort, or a low-down crack technology whore.

%

And until Punch You In The Face over Ethernet (PYITFoE) is widely available, we will only ever scratch the surface of the rich tapestry of human interaction.

%

“One of the deep mysteries to me is our logo, the symbol of lust and knowledge, bitten into, all crossed with the colors of the rainbow in the wrong order. You couldn’t dream of a more appropriate logo: lust, knowledge, hope, and anarchy.” -Jean-Louis Gasse, Former Apple Computer, Inc. Executive

%

Shopkeeper: Take this computer, but beware: Windows carries a terrible curse. Customer: That’s bad. Shopkeeper: But you get your choice of a free downloadable movie! Customer: That’s good! Shopkeeper: The movies contain Digital Rights Management technology. Customer: [stares] Shopkeeper: That’s bad. Customer: Can I go now?

%

Alpha Bravo Charlie Delta Echo Foxtrot Golf Hotel India Juliet Kilo Lima Mike November Oscar Papa Quebec Romeo Sierra Tango Uniform Victor Whiskey Xray Yankee Zulu

%

“And a bird, change you cannot.” – Yoda Skynard

%

This fevered ranting was generated randomly. Any resemblance to coherent thought is completely coincidental.

%

Knowledge = Power P= W/t t=Money Money = Work/Knowledge so the less you know the more you make

%

“Never go off on tangents, which are lines that intersect a curve at only one point and were discovered by Euclid, who lived in the 6th century, which was an era dominated by the Goths, who lived in what we now know as Poland.” - Unknown from Nov. 1998 issue of Infosystems Executive.

%

I don’t need a million points of light, just two points of muti-mode fiber and a 10 Gig-E router

%

psmylie’s dictionary: Godzillion (noun) Any number large enough to destroy Tokyo

%

That’s a good look. Nothing says “sex appeal” like a portable WiFi browsing device in a belt holster. But there’s no law that says everyone has to get laid, so go ahead. Be bold.

%

Only Captain Hindsight can save them now!

%

Don’t think of it as a flame—it’s more like an argument that does 3d6 fire damage

%

I judt got a nre Kinesis keybiartf so please excusr ant egregiou typos.

%

My security clearance is so high I have to kill myself if I remember I have it…

%

It’s easier to water it down than it is to coffee it up

%

I’m sorry, I only accept criticism in the form of sed expressions.

%

A polar bear is a cartesian bear after a coordinate transform

%

The real problem with C++ for kernel modules is: the language just sucks.

-- Linus Torvalds 

%

Using “Fail” as a one-word rejection of something is unoriginal and idiotic. Real douchebags add “Epic” to it.

%

Theory: Web 1.0 was Sales, 2.0 was Sharing, 3.0 is Garden of Eden, making 4.0 to be Privacy Revolt

%

This is a hacked account, for which the owner can not be held responsible.

%

Schrodinger’s lolcat: I can/can’t has heizenberger

%

$DO || ! $DO ; try();

%

BSD: free as in speech. GNU: free as in freedom. Microsoft: free as in +bittorrent.

%

alias plz=sudo

%

We built the internet one dialup account at a time

%

Do daemons dream of electric sleep()?

%

vi ~/.emacs # I’m probably going to Hell for this.

%

Your code makes baby Jesus cry.

%

—–BEGIN PGP SIGNATURE—– 12345 —–END PGP SIGNATURE—–

%

A million lemmings can’t be wrong

%

It says ‘My Computer’ because Bill think putting his software on it makes it his. Explains a lot.

%

Other than the fact Linux has a cool name, could someone explain why I should use Linux over BSD? No. That’s it. The cool name, that is. We worked very hard on creating a name that would appeal to the majority of people, and it certainly paid off …

  -- Linus Torvalds

%

Never ascribe to malice that which can adequately be explained by stupidity.

%

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.

%

PowerPoint allows speakers to pretend that they are giving a real talk, and audiences to pretend that they are listening. – Edward R. Tufte, The Cognitive Style of PowerPoint

%

Firefox 3.6 was the last of the good versions of Firefox, back when it was the little browser that took on the big bad IE. Now it is sucking Chrome’s cock while getting it up the ass from IE while Opera films it and Safari faps to it.

%

I’d like Altair to make a tablet. No more of this glass sheet crap, give me about 50 toggle switches and blinking lights.

%

Alex, I’ll take keybindings not used by Emacs for $400….

%

Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea – massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it. – Gene Spafford

%

Now all we need if for google to buy ReactOS and bitchslap MSFT silly by making a Windows desktop that runs better than what they are gonna be pushing in oct. The irony would be so sweet i’d probably become diabetic.

%

grep -iw skynet /etc/services

%

There are 0x40000000 types of people, those who understand 32-bit IEEE 754 floating point, and those who don’t.

%

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me for decades and I must be a certified Microsoft specialist.

%

I added pulseaudio_sux = yes to /etc/pulse/daemon.conf

%

Everyone wants to save Hitler’s brain, but as soon as you put it in the body of a shark you’ve suddenly gone too far!

%

Captain Penny’s Law: You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you Can’t Fool Mom.

%

I read TFA and all I got was this lousy cookie

%

Is that you or the spyware typing? don’t answer, you’ll choke on Bill G’s nutsack.

%

To be, to be or not to be?“ – 0x2B + (0x2B | ~0x2B) = 0x2B + 0xFF = 43 + (-1) = 42

%

grape - the GNU free, open source rape

%

1999-2000 called. They want their clichéd opinion of Windows back.

Hold on, I’ve got 1997 on the other line. I think they want their meme back.

%

To synergize our leveragables into a new cloud based paradygmn, we’ll need a new solutions oriented IT team to create some actionables to create a win-win in reducing internal friction and increase efficiencies to enable the monetization of our empowered workforce.

% (Insert image of Edsger Dijkstra surveying our burnt-out CloudPad 2.0 PHP/C++/Javascript cyberjungle with a single tear.)

%

Apple: “There’s no option for that” Microsoft: “There used to be an option for that” Linux: “There’s an option for that, go code” Google: “There’s an option for that, it’ll cost every stitch of privacy” Mozilla: “Me too! (Not Responding)”

%

Sometimes it’s fun to feed the trolls - it’s a pleasure knowing there’s someone out there who’s stupider than you.

%

God said, “div D = rho, div B = 0, curl E = -@B/@t, curl H = J + @D/@t,” and +there was light.

%

UNIX was not designed to stop you from doing stupid things, because that would +also stop you from doing clever ones

%

All the roads lead to Microsoft, but none lead out

%

SATA, SATA2, SATA3, …, SATAN

%

The most told lie in the history of the world: “I have read and agree to the EULA”

%

Ralph’s Rule: “There is no technology so poorly conceived, so inconsistent, so aesthetically offensive, or so woefully untouched by theory that it will not see widespread adoption in the Web community.”

-- Ralph Beckett (Slashdot Reader)

%

Being both tedious and stupid, Twitter is the perfect communications medium for the modern corporation.

%

Remind me again, why I don’t use TumbPinTwitBookSpace.

%

No, I’m pretty sure I read somewhere that Windows 8 was built on a old Indian burial ground.
- Thud457

%

Watch for Penguins, they eat Apples and throw rocks at Windows.

%

Other Things People Thought Were “Jokes” 1. a portable music player without wireless and less space than a nomad 2. an online store that holds all your credit card info so you can buy something with a single click 3. a messaging system that limits messages to 140 characters 4. a web site where you make public in all the personal info needed to stalk you, burglarize your house, or sink your career, including what you are doing and when and where you are doing it, plus who all your friends are 5. an encyclopedia that anyone can edit 6. a web site that sells coupons worth $40 for $20 and the store gets only $10 7. an online game where you pay real money for virtual things in the game or to give to your “friends” 8. a new personal computer where the software is only available from a single store and there is no porn 9. a self balancing scooter

%

(about Ubuntu including Amazon search by default, and how a nerd can always just uninstall it):

That’s like saying if someone shits in your bed you can always wash your bedding. The fact is that they shit in your bed.

%

Been doing this shit for money since 1995.
- Cisco/unix/vSphere/Windows/OS X geek

%

There is madness in my methods.

%

It is my understanding, though, that Windows Phones now have achieved five-nines uptime, running properly 9.9999% of the time.

%

Pull my finger for my public key

%

My theory is that we all have a Stallman Point, a spot on the spectrum of the slide away from personal computing freedom where we just can’t calmly stand around and watch folks push things further the wrong way. It looks to me like Linus just hit his with this “SecureBoot” crapola.

-- T.E.D.

%

Pascal: A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

– Datamation, January 15, 1984

%

Slashdot: where Don Knuth is an idiot because he can’t grasp the awesome power of PHP

%

Now with 67.3% more dubious numbers than traditional advertising copy!

%

Freedom of choice means you have some work to do.

%

You can’t be ahead of the curve, if you’re stuck in a loop.

%

Sent from the iPad I found in your car.

%

vi + /etc over regedit any day of the week.

%

On the other hand, a Dvorak keyboard layout is an excellent defense against people borrowing your computer during lunch. I highly recommend it for this purpose, if for no other reason.

-- Michael Lucas

%

Microsoft: “For you the day your servers all went down simultaneously was the most important day of your life, but for us it was Tuesday.”

%

Not sure if trolling or just retarded…

%

Firefox is being run into the ground by idiots that want it to be Chrome - but Chrome already IS Chrome.

%

I could tell you a joke about UDP … but you might not get it.

%

An enigma, wrapped in a riddle, wrapped in bacon and cheese

%

With apologies to Theodore Geisel:

Ode to Dropbox:

I do not want your new dropbox I will not try with FireFox I will not have it in my house I will not click it with my mouse I do not want it on the train I cannot use it on the plane My data is not here or there My data could be anywhere! My data is my own and so I do not want this, CEO.

%

It’s free they say, if you can get it to run, the geeks say `hey, that’s half the fun', but I’ve got a girlfriend and things to get done, the Linux OS sucks.

• Three Dead Trolls In A Baggie, “Every OS Sucks” http://www.deadtroll.com/

%

[ ] Check this box to end your abject humiliation.

%

The Internet, a sort of ersatz counterfeit of real life.

-- Janet Street-Porter, BBC2, 19 March 1996

%

brandelf -t FreeBSD /brain

%

Every time people combine the words “desktop” and “innovation” I reach for the revolver.

%

Every time you mod me down to punish me for saying something slightly critical of Apple you prove my conspiracy theory.

%

I tried to buy music from itunes, got locked out of a song that disappeared from my phone. Got married and enabled “home sharing” only to find that I could install wife’s songs on my phone, but they would not play. Switched to android and found that I could not convert the nonencrypted AAC songs into 128kmp3s w/o paying $20 for a converter. So I downloaded the very same songs I’d bought. Bought books from Google books only to find that I have to install a special bloated version of adobe to read the files… which they failed to mention that they we selling me a PDF. I’ve all but given up on trying to get things correctly. They make the hurdles just too high.

%

First the NSA came for, well, jeez pretty much everybody’s data at this point, and I said nothing because wait how does this joke work

 -- Parker Higgins

%

Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.

%

The Apple puck mouse thinks that Slashdot Beta is painful and unusable.

%

Hardware eventually fails. Software eventually works.

%

Benchmarking your computer against Crysis is like seeing how much feces your new blender can handle.

%

If Unicorns shit fonts, it would be KristenIFC

%

Windows is to computing like Beta is to Slashdot

%

Man is the lowest-cost, 150-pound, nonlinear, all-purpose computer system which can be mass-produced by unskilled labor.
– NASA in 1965

%

There are two types of people in the world: Those who crave closure

%

Linux has always been the equivalent of a discussion forum with opinions expressed in code. Everyone has an opinion about Technology X/Y/Z, often strongly held. But you can’t make a usable desktop OS out of opinions. You need a big-picture long-term strategy. There doesn’t seem to be a lot of that in most of distro world. Server Linux has done better because the problem space is (kind of…) smaller and better defined, so strategies and innovations have appeared, and there are clear goals to work towards. Consumer Linux is like a military campaign advancing in all directions. Everyone is working on something, but - beyond development for development’s sake - it’s not at all obvious why.

%

An exemplary researcher, a physicist who became an engineer’s engineer, Willis lived in that sweet spot where the best technical work is always done, at the intersection of skill, experience, training and intuition,”

%

Windows treats sysadmins better than users. Macs treat users better than sysadmins. Linux treats everyone like sysadmins.

%

As I like to remind, “interactive” is a synonym for “manual.”

%

Freedom of choice means you’ve got some configuring to do, buster.

%

Movies Teach us

Movies teach us: During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

Movies teach us: The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

Movies teach us: Kitchens don’t have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

Movies teach us: When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

Movies teach us: Most dogs are immortal.

Movies teach us: Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.

Movies teach us: All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

Movies teach us: Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

Movies teach us: During every fight there should be a head-butting. The one executing it will not get hurt.

Movies teach us: It’s easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

Movies teach us: The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

Movies teach us: A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

Movies teach us: If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

Movies teach us: The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

Movies teach us: All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.

Movies teach us: A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

Movies teach us: It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

Movies teach us: When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

Movies teach us: Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds -unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

Movies teach us: Aliens always look basically like humans (have limbs, eyes, ears) but unlike them, they are always covered with mucus.

Ryszard Kapuscinski

The course and temperature of the first greeting are of utmost significance to the ultimate fate of a relationship, which is why people here set much store by the way they salute each other.

-- Ryszard Kapuściński (2001), The Shadow of the Sun 

% I didn’t feel comfortable anywhere. The color of my skin, albeit privileged, also confined me to the cage of apartheid. A gilded cage – Oyster Bay – but a cage nonetheless. Oyster Bay is a beautiful neighborhood … The residents of the neighborhood were colonial bureaucrats, who thought only of getting to the end of their contract, buying a crocodile skin or a rhinoceros horn as a souvenir, and leaving. Their wives discussed either the children’s health or a past or upcoming party.

-- Ryszard Kapuściński (2001), The Shadow of the Sun 

% The Europeans clung to the coasts, to their ports, eating houses, and ships, reluctantly and only sporadically making incursions into the interior. They were hampered by the lack of roads, fearful of hostile tribes and tropical diseases – malaria, sleeping sickness, yellow fever, leprosy. And although they inhabited the coasts for more than four centuries, they did so in a spirit of impermanence, with a narrow-minded goal of quick profits and easy spoils. Their ports were really only leeches on the body of Africa, points of export for salves, gold, and ivory. Their goal: to carry away everything, and at the lowest possible price. Consequently, many of these European beachheads resembled the poorest sections of old Liverpool or Lisbon. In the course of four hundred years in Luanda, the Portuguese did not dig a single well for potable water, or illuminate the streets with lanterns.

-- Ryszard Kapuściński (2001), The Shadow of the Sun 

% In the disturbed, paranoid world of racial inequality, in which everything is determined by the color of one’s skin (calibrated shades of difference), my illness, while physically incapacitating, had an unexpected benefit. Rendering me weak and defective, it diminished my prestigious white status – that of someone formidable, untouchable – and put me on a more even footing with the black men. Now a diminished, disowned, flawed white man I could be treated with familiarity, although I was still a white man. A warmth entered my relations with Edu and Abdullahi. It would have been unthinkable had they met me as a strong, healthy, imperious European.

-- Ryszard Kapuściński (2001), The Shadow of the Sun 

% Thus many African nations are already living through a second phase of their short postwar history. The first phase was a rapid decolonization, the gaining of independence. It was characterized by a universal optimism, enthusiasm, euphoria. People were convinced that freedom meant a better roof over their heads, a larger bowl of rice, a first pair of shoes. A miracle would take place – the multiplying of loaves, fishes, and wine. Nothing of the sort occurred. On the contrary. There was a sudden increase in the population, for which there was not enough food, schools, or jobs. Optimism quickly turned to disenchantment and pessimism. The people’s bitterness, fury, hatred was now directed against their own elites, who were rapidly and greedily stuffing their pockets. In a country without a well-developed private sector, where plantations belonged to foreigners and the banks to foreign capital, the political career was the only road to riches. In short – the poverty and disillusion of those on the bottom rungs, coupled with the cupidity and gluttony of those on the top, create a poisoned, unstable atmosphere, which the army senses; presenting itself as the champion of the injured and the humiliated, it emerges from the barracks and reaches for power.

-- Ryszard Kapuściński (2001), The Shadow of the Sun 

% Godwin says that earlier, in the years of dictatorship, it was preferable to camp outside near such candles than to spend time in brightly lit interiors. Seeing troops approaching, a man could instantly blow out the candle and vanish into the darkness. By the time the soldiers arrived, there wouldn’t be a soul left. A candle is good, because you can see everything, while remaining invisible yourself. Whereas in an illuminated interior, it is the other way around, and therefore more dangerous.

-- Ryszard Kapuściński (2001), The Shadow of the Sun 

% According to Sebuya I know nothing of darkness. In particular, I do not know that day and night are two distinct realities, two separate worlds. In daytime, man can cope somehow with his environment, can exist and endure, even live peacefully; the night, however, renders him defenseless, easy prey to his enemies, and conceals forces with nefarious designs upon his life. That is why fear, which during the day slumbers in a man’s heart, secretive and subdued, is transformed at night into an overpowering fright, a haunting, tormenting nightmare. How important it is at that time to be in a group! The presence of others brings relief, soothes the nerves, lessens the tension.

-- Ryszard Kapuściński (2001), The Shadow of the Sun 

% We were just about to set off when the driver … announced upon getting into the bus that someone had stolen a package that had been lying on his seat, with a girl’s dress inside. Thefts like this are a common occurrence the world over, but Traoré fell into a rage, a fury bordering on insanity … It was yet another instance of something I had observed in Africa before: the reaction to a thief – although there is plenty of theft here – has an irrational dimension, akin to madness. Because there is something in human about stealing from a poor man, who often has but one bowl or one tattered shirt, that man’s response to the theft can likewise be inhuman. If a crowd catches a thief in the market, on the square, on the street, it can kill him on the sport – which is why, paradoxically, the task of the police here is not so much the pursuit of thieves as their protection.

-- Ryszard Kapuściński (2001), The Shadow of the Sun 

% Life here is a constant struggle, an endlessly repeated effort to tilt in one’s favor the fragile, flimsy, and shaky balance between survival and extinction.

-- Ryszard Kapuściński (2001), The Shadow of the Sun 

% In the past, the cities were administrative, commercial, and industrial centers, practical constructs, performing productive, creative functions. Typically of moderate size, they were inhabited only by those who had employment there. What remains of these former cities today is merely a shred, a fragment of the former cities, which even in small and thinly populated countries have expanded monstrously, become great metropolises.

-- Ryszard Kapuściński (2001), The Shadow of the Sun 

% The African market is a great repository of everything and anything. A veritable mine of the cheap and the shoddy. A mountain of rubbish, gimcrack, and kitsch. There is nothing of any value to a Westerner here, nothing to catch your attention, arouse your admiration, tempt you to possess it. At one end are stacks of identical red and yellow buckets and bowls; at the other, billowing piles of thousands of identical undershirts and sneakers; someplace else still, pyramids of multicolored calicos and glittering rows of nylon dresses and men’s jackets. Only in such a place can one fully appreciate the extent to which the world is swamped with material tenth-rateness, how it is drowning in an ocean of camp, knockoffs, the tasteless and the worthless.

-- Ryszard Kapuściński (2001), The Shadow of the Sun 

%

Internet History

1969: ARPANET (precursor to internet) invented. (If anyone makes any overused Al Gore jokes they will be beaten unconscious with a 300 baud modem)

-- Important Moment in the History of the Internet

%

1972: Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniack get stoned out of their minds and build a computer that costs a fortune and runs no software. “Everyone will want one of these!”, says Jobs.

-- Important Moment in the History of the Internet

%

1976: Dr. Robert M. Metcalfe develops Ethernet, later to be replaced by SodiumPentatholNet.

-- Important Moment in the History of the Internet

%

1977: E-mail invented. most common message: “Let me know when you’re there so I can call you”

-- Important Moment in the History of the Internet

%

1978: Dan Bricklin invents the spreadsheet. It will be 5 more years before anyone knows what they’re for, and another decade before anyone knows how to use them.

-- Important Moment in the History of the Internet

%

1981: Bill Gates embarks on heroic and lifelong quest to piss off every person in America.

-- Important Moment in the History of the Internet

%

1983: Researchers develop TCP/IP, DNS, IAB, and other important internet acronyms.

-- Important Moment in the History of the Internet

%

1985: Apple’s low-cost computers for schools offers an affordable way to give kids training in software they will never use.

-- Important Moment in the History of the Internet

%

1990: Scientists develop sexy buzzword “Internet” to replace awkward term “ARPANET”

-- Important Moment in the History of the Internet

%

1992: First ISP created. Business is slow due to the fact that the Internet has no purpose, nobody knows about it, and more people own Betamax machines than computers.

-- Important Moment in the History of the Internet

%

1993: World-Wide Web released by CERN. Group suggests someone invent a web browser so people can use it.

-- Important Moment in the History of the Internet

%

1994: Mosaic - the first major web browser - is released. Users complain that it should support animated gifs, or at least a tag. Yeah, that would look AWESOME!

-- Important Moment in the History of the Internet

%

1995: DOOM is released, slowing the network to a near stop, and worker productivity to a total stop. Parents rejoice as the release of the game frees them from all responsibility for how their kids behave.

-- Important Moment in the History of the Internet

%

1996: First piece of spam appears in USENET newsgroups and is quickly removed. “Well, that should be the last of that”, say users.

-- Important Moment in the History of the Internet

%

1997: AOL, Compuserve, Prodigy, and other on-line services take off, making heaps of cash. Microsoft execs begin thinking: “Maybe we should look into this internet thing”.

-- Important Moment in the History of the Internet

%

1998: Support for animated .GIF files and MIDI music on webpages becomes widespread. “Make it stop! MAKE IT STOP!”, scream users.

-- Important Moment in the History of the Internet

%

1995 Release of Windows 95 and Internet Explorer bring sharp rise in memory sales, profanity use.

-- Important Moment in the History of the Internet

%

Real Audio released, allowing users to listen to halting bursts of static in real time.

-- Important Moment in the History of the Internet

%

Instant messaging created as a way for people all over the world to interrupt each other.

-- Important Moment in the History of the Internet

%

US Robotics releases the 56k modem, allowing users to download even more data before their next random disconnect.

-- Important Moment in the History of the Internet

%

AOL begins its efforts to make sure that no human being on planet earth is without an AOL sign-up disk.

-- Important Moment in the History of the Internet

%

Parenting groups become concerned that spending extended time online is depriving children of important time spent watching television.

-- Important Moment in the History of the Internet

%

Internet introduced to businesses. Worker productivity up 35%

-- Important Moment in the History of the Internet

%

Internet Porn introduced to businesses. Worker productivity down 97%

-- Important Moment in the History of the Internet

%

Scam e-mails replace oil as the chief export of Nigeria.

-- Important Moment in the History of the Internet

%

3lit3 hax0rz, d00d: Teens become most prolific illiterate writers in history.

-- Important Moment in the History of the Internet

%

Internet gold rush. Silicon valley geeks crushed to death under heaps of investment money

-- Important Moment in the History of the Internet

%

Napster introduced. Rampant piracy drives Metallica to life of abject poverty as wandering minstrels. Other artists soon to follow.

-- Important Moment in the History of the Internet

%

Everquest Released. People give up repetitive, boring, normal lives in exchange for repetitive, boring, virtual lives.

-- Important Moment in the History of the Internet

%

FARK introduced as a service to help teenage boys locate pictures of breasts on the internet.

-- Important Moment in the History of the Internet

%

Year 2k apocalypse averted. Populace comes out of bunkers, goes back to playing Everquest as if nothing ever happened.

-- Important Moment in the History of the Internet

%

The internet is finally given purpose when Scientists Mathew Chapman and Michael Chapman complete their research and bring Homestarrunner technology to the internet.

-- Important Moment in the History of the Internet

%

EPA warns that entire surface of the earth will be completely blanketed with AOL CDs by the end of 2007

-- Important Moment in the History of the Internet

%

Blogging invented. Promises to change the way people bore strangers with banal anecdotes about their pets.

-- Important Moment in the History of the Internet

%

Napster collapses. Music industry suddenly profitable again, and able to meet insatiable public demand for more boy bands.

-- Important Moment in the History of the Internet

%

Internet bubble bursts. Investors take back money and hide it under a mattress. Geeks go back to Burger King.

-- Important Moment in the History of the Internet

%

Cats becomes sole proprietor of all your base. Every Zig moved.

-- Important Moment in the History of the Internet

%

Instapundit replaces search engines as primary way for users to find content on the net.

-- Important Moment in the History of the Internet

%

With the fall of Napster, numerous other P2P networks rise to allow users to share movies as well as music. “I guess we should have seen that coming”, says entertainment industry.

-- Important Moment in the History of the Internet

%

After 43.2 million spams, and over 2.3 billion pop-up ads worldwide, someone buys an X-10 mini cam.

-- Important Moment in the History of the Internet

%

Still operating after more than three years of service, Zombo is the only successful dot-com to date.

-- Important Moment in the History of the Internet

%

Progress: Since its inception almost 30 years ago, the internet has been transformed from a primitive device for sharing thoughts and ideas, into a massive network where people pay to connect and read advertisements they don’t want, while calling each other “asshats”.

-- Important Moment in the History of the Internet

%

Parkinson’s First Law:

Work expands or contracts in order to fill the time available.

Parkinson’s Second Law: Expenditures rise to meet income.

Parkinson’s Third Law: Expansion means complexity; and complexity decay.

%

Parkinson’s Fourth Law: The number of people in any working group tends to increase regardless of the amount of work to be done.

%

Parkinson’s Fifth Law: If there is a way to delay an important decision the good bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.

Parkinson’s Law of Delay: Delay is the deadliest form of denial.

%

Parkinson’s Law of Triviality: The time spent in a meeting on an item is inversely proportional to its value (up to a limit).

%

Parkinson’s Law of 1,000: An enterprise employing more than 1,000 people becomes a self-perpetuating empire, creating so much internal work that it no longer needs any contact with the outside world.

%

Parkinson’s Coefficient of Inefficiency: The size of a committee or other decision-making body grows at which it becomes completely inefficient.

%

Recent Quotes

Without love intelligence is dangerous; without intelligence love is not enough.

– Ashley Montagu

%

Boire du cafe empeche de dormir. Par contre, dormir empeche de boire du cafe.

-- Philippe Geluck

%

The brighter the stupid burns, the more chance that someone will see the light.

-- D. C. Sessions <dcs@lumbercartel.com> 

%

Are you a Masterdebator or a Cunning Linguist?

%

   \\\\\/////
 /   -     -  \

(| (.) (.) |) .ooo0()0ooo. | |

| KILROY WAS HERE |

.ooo0      0ooo.
(    )    (    )
 \  (     )   /
   \_)    (_/

%

Se, nella notte in cui concepi' il If, that night when she conceived duce, Donna Rosa, toccata da divina the Duce (Benito Mussolini), Donna luce, avesse dato al fabbro Rosa (the Duce’s Mother), touched predappiano invece della fica il by a divine inspiration, had given deretano, l'avrebbe presa in culo to the smith from Predappio (Duce’s quella sera Rosa sola e non dad was a smith, Predappio their l'Italia intera. town) instead of her pussy, her arse, who would have taken it up – poesia the butt that night (prendersela in antifascista culo = to be screwed) would have been Rosa only, and not all of Italy.

%

The box of animal crackers said “Do not eat if the seal is broken.” I opened it up, and sure enough …

%

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

%

If life gives you marmals, make marmalade.

%

We live, as we dream – alone….

%

(about the Library of Congress archiving all Twitter traffic) - “Sounds like a great (albeit slow) backup plan. Uuencode all your files, break them into short text lines and tweet them with serial numbers and checksums. Let the government be your file storage backup!

%

I am becoming gerund, destroyer of verbs.

%

In the end, we’re all just water and old stars.

%

You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.

 -- Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio

%

Qt-Gon Jinn: Do you hear that flushing sound? Jar-Jar Nokia: Nod Qt-Gon Jinn: That is the sound of you flushing your business down the toilet. Nemoidian Ballmer: BRING ME NEW ASSMONKEY! Jar-Jar Nokia: My fucked up! My fucked up!

-- Slash sig, regarding Nokia using Microsoft instead of QT

%

After a while I walked over toward the gym. I was going to clean out my locker. No more exercising for me. People always talked about the good clean smell of fresh sweat. They had to make excuses for it. They never talked about the good clean smell of fresh shit. There was nothing really as glorious as a good beer shit - I mean after drinking twenty or twenty-five beers the night before. The odor of a beer shit like that spread all around and stayed for a good hour-and-a-half. It made you realize that you were really alive.

-- Charles Bukowski, Ham on Rye

%

Apple Fanboy: Oh wow, look at those shiny new features in this new product I can buy right now but won’t really use and will restrict me in some horrible way.

MS Fanboy: Oh wow, look at those shiny new features MS is claiming will be in its product sometime soon but I’ve got to buy it right now and just take their word for it.

Linux Fanboy: Oh wow, look at those shiny new features that Gnome has taken away, KDE has added with a horrible skin and insane configuration and Enlightenment has had in alpha state for about a decade now!

BSD Fanboy: Oh wow, look at those shiny new features everyone else had for a decade but are really really well tested and secure so nobody can penetrate my system and learn my secret to eternal life!

Apple, MS and Linux fanboys: AAAAH, The undead! Run for your lives!

%

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

%

The three laws of thermodynamics: (1) You can’t win. (2) You can’t break even. (3) You can’t even quit.

%

Someone flopped a steamer in the gene pool.

%

Always listen to the experts. They’ll tell you what can’t be done, and why. Then do it.

– Heinlein: Time Enough for Love

%

“We become what we behold. We shape our tools and then our tools shape us.”

–Marshall McLuhan

%

Reddit loves meat but hates farming Reddit hates corporations but loves products Reddit wonders why it can’t get girls, but hates everything that girls like and do Reddit loves diversity but hates religion Reddit believes in critical thinking, but is powerfully swayed by top voted comments Reddit is full of people who will argue points they don’t care about or believe in just so they can attempt to be right Reddit will go batshit insane if someone reposts their rage comic, but thinks downloading media from TPB is noble and Reddit has gotten much, much worse in the recent years

%

As I see it, get Facebook and you get an unwanted email address. Get a Google email address and you get an unwanted social network with it.

%

Firefox is the greatest browser, with advanced features to benefit every user at a profound spiritual level:

• Its memory bloat teaches us to be mindful of our resources, both within the computer, and our use of our resources in everyday outer life.
• Its slowness helps teach us patience.
• When the whole browser freezes up from a bit of incompetent CPU-thrashing javascript code running in one tab, it teaches us to be responsible for our own coding decisions and how they affect others.
• Its slow startup teaches us that wonderful things don’t happen instantly, and that we need to lose our attachment to time

%

Stay away from Chrome - it feeds the ego by promoting our addiction to instant gratification

%

We’ve seen the same thing in the American Congress and probably for the same reasons: the moderates, seeking consensus and pragmatism, drop out in frustration. The hardnosed radical nutjobs hang on tight to their ridiculous ideologies and scream and threaten until they get their way.

%

Google Glass - At last a Segway for your face.

%

Usenet: a herd of performing elephants with diarrhoea. Massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it.

%

Daybreak.

At windward passage, four hundred miles due east, the sun is rising. Wind east-northeast, thirty-eight knots, with gusts to forty-five: a gale.

Black waves, wind-feathered. White birds, dark birds.

The trade winds freshen at first light, and the sea rises in long ridges, rolling west.

    -- Peter Matthiessen, Far Tortuga

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It is far easier to spend a hundred years in jail, to climb a hundred mountains, than to try to persuade a stupid person of the truth.

   -- Pahlavan Mahmoud

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From the beginning it was a silly idea, without the slightest utilitarian purpose or merit. This, of course, I liked.

    -- Stuart Stevens

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The trouble with journeys nowadays is that they are easy to make but difficult to justify.

  -- Peter Fleming (early 1900s)

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We would never travel on the sea if we had no hope of telling about it later.

-- Blaise Pascal

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The temperature has risen to nineteen and the heat has drawn birds into the boughs of trees. The titmouse is the bravest, the wren the most cheerful. Oddly, the small creatures allow me greater proximity before flight. The large ones - deer, fox, the bears from home - all flee at my approach. The same is true of humanity. When we are small, we let others in close, then begin the gradual pushing away that so often leaves the old utterly alone.

– Chris Offutt, The Same River Twice

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The opacity of fresh snowfall unfolds like a silent fan. The wood-pile tarp is welded to the ground. I have begun to see pregnancy everywhere, the curve of a belly, the strain of release. Women give form to the language of life. Without them, men are mute. If fatherhood is compromise, then motherhood is sacrifice, an abandoning for the sacred, an act of heroism. Aztec women who died in childbirth went to the same exalted branch of heaven as warriors slain in battle.

– Chris Offutt, The Same River Twice %

Humans are the underclass of evolution. Every other creature was better equipped.

   -- Robert Pirsig

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When Gandhi was asked what he thought of Western civilization, he replied that it would be a good idea.

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Happiness is like a butterfly that, when diligently pursued, remains just out of reach, but should you stop chasing, may alight upon you for a moment.

  -- paraphrase of Nathaniel Hawthorn

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Wooten’s law: “The acquisition of uncommon knowledge inhibits the application of common sense.”

Referring, of course, to the computer, Wooten was quick to point out that prior to the computer age, engineers had to rely on such things as engineering judgment and common sense - a requirement which no longer exists. The classic statement which he made is applicable to any complex analysis: “The computer’s rapid solution of stupendous … (analyses) … renders obsolete the necessity of understanding them. No one need feel guilty of using simple solutions when the computer can make them extremely complicated. Anyone can plug a false assumption into an incorrect formula and, in a flash, arrive at a ridiculous answer, inaccurate to ten decimal places. (It has never been clear to how many places an incorrect answer must be carried to make it accurate).

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By channels of coolness the echoes are calling. And down the dim gorges I hear the creek falling: It lives in the mountain where moss and the sedges Touch with their beauty the banks and the ledges.

-- Henry Kendall

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One of the principal functions of a friend is to suffer (in a milder and symbolic form) the punishments that we should like, but are unable, to inflict on our enemies.
– Aldous Huxley

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A physical shortcoming could produce a kind of mental excess. The process, it seemed, was reversible. Mental excess could produce, for its own purposes, the voluntary blindness and deafness of deliberate solitude, the artificial impotence of exceticism.
– Aldous Huxley

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So we move down the empty road. I don’t want to own these prairies, or photograph them, or change them, or even stop, or even keep going. We are just going down the empty road. – Robert Pirsig

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It’s not a personality clash between them; it’s something else, for which neither is to blame, but for which neither has any solution, and for which I’m not sure I have any solution either, just ideas. – Robert Pirsig

The truth knocks on the door and you say, ‘Go away. I’m looking for the truth.’ – Robert Pirsig %

Sometimes it’s a little better to travel than to arrive.

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Any effort that has self-glorification as its final endpoint is bound to end in disaster. … When you try to climb a mountain to prove how big you are, you almost never make it. And even if you do it’s a hollow victory. In order to sustain the victory you have to prove yourself again and again in some other way, and again and again and again in some other way, and again and again and again and again, driven forever to fill a false image, haunted by the fear that the image is not true and someone will find out. That’s never the way.

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The night was very gentle, and the dark transparent sea was cleft at our stern into two long green curtains of gossamer where our steering oars ignited the bioluminescence. – Ring of Fire %

In that Dragon’s eye which looked into me, as I hung precariously above it, I realized I had seen how old and strong is the Dragon’s history - and how much of its history is mine. For long as we may have been humans, and Tarsoids, and mammals and fish, our longest dream was as reptiles.

Komodo lies there to remind us, right now, wherever we are. – Ring of Fire

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You point to something as having Quality and the Quality tends to go away. Quality is what you see out of the corner of your eye. – Robert Pirsig

% You never gain something but that you lose something.

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The “Dark Ages” were merely the resumption of a natural way of life that had been momentarily interrupted by the Greeks.

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It is possible that this sort of movie fantasy, which is available to the solitary traveler, is one of the chief reasons for travel. She had cast herself in the role of leading lady in her search drama, and I gladly played my part. We were far from home: we could be anyone we wished. Travel offers a great occasion to the amateur actor. – Paul Thereaux

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The Celtic Rune of Hospitality We saw a stranger yesterday. We put food in the eating place, drink in the drinking place, music in the listening place. And with the sacred name of God, the stranger blessed us and our house our cattle and our dear ones. As the lark says in her song, often, often, often goes the Christ in the stranger’s guise.

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The problems were those which arise wherever a stable, collective system and one based on expansion and individual profit collide … To obtain respect in the native world people had to redistribute wealth; for esteem in the white world they had to hoard it. – Richard Wright

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It was a small tropical station in the north of Ceylon, smelling of soaked jungle and erupting drains, and with that decay that passes for charm in equatorial outposts. – Paul Thereaux

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It is ignominious when a person travels a great distance [just] to die.

% His face was grey, waxen with illness, and strained; he looked as if her were painfully swallowing the toad of death.

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Know what I herd? sheep Know what I saw? wood Know who I love? ewe. – miscellaneous personal ad from the Sun.

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To a young woman of an old fashion who loves art not for its own sake but because it enables life, who reads poetry not to kill time but to fill it with beautiful thoughts and who still believes in God and duty and immortal love I dedicate this book. – Henry Van Dyke, “The Poetry of Tennyson”

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You are a poet … not because you write stories, but because you understand and love nature. It doesn’t matter to most people that the wind sings in the trees or that a mountain shimmers in the sunlight. But you find life in all of this, a life you can partake of. – Hermann Hesse

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One night she came back from her daily walk stunned by the revelation that one could be happy not only without love, but despite it. – Love in the Time of Cholera

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Nothing resembles a person as much as the way he dies.

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Suddenly she sighed: “It is incredible how one can be happy for so many years in the midst of so many squabbles, so many problems, damn it, and not really know if it was love or not.”

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Watching bulbous, sodden clouds, those dark sailors of the heavy sky, brush the snowy, veined mountain-tops and shroud the grey landscape below in dancing shadows and veils of wetness – journal, 1993

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It would have been more prudent to leave the day before. Yes, well it would have been prudent to stay at home. You have to let things go their own way, or why be here at all. – Jupiter’s Travels

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All the way I was saying goodbye. – Jupiter’s Travels %

Extreme situations always seem absurd until they happen. – Jupiter’s Travels %

Does it rain because you carry your umbrella, or because you don’t? It’s a personal matter depending on how you remember it. – Jupiter’s Travels

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There had been no awkwardness, no break even in the mood. The episode had seemed quite natural. It went one way, could as easily have gone another. I sat up with my back against a pillar and smoked another cigarette, lost in the mystery of it. – Jupiter’s Travels

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Thoreau: “We are in a great haste to construct a magnetic telegraph from Maine to Texas; but Maine and Texas, it may be, have nothing important to communicate.” If Thoreau were alive today he would find full confirmation of his fears. Instant information is instantly obsolete. Only the most banal ideas can successfully cross great distances at the speed of light. And anything that travels very far very fast is scarcely worth transporting, especially the tourist.

-- Jupiter’s Travels

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I am learning, as I make my way through my first continent, that it is remarkably easy to do things, and much more frightening to contemplate them. – Jupiter’s Travels

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For me this is a landscape and a time to bank up courage in a craven heart, to carry a greater fund of joy into the next cloud of sorrow, to learn even to love the sorrow for the pleasure it divides, like the black notes of a keyboard, or hunger between meals. Perhaps even to discover that pain and pleasure, since they cannot exist without each other, are really the same thing. – Jupiter’s Travels

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Like all strong prejudices they not only prepared me for the worst. They paved the way. – Jupiter’s Travels

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… I felt myself to be the most privileged person on the earth to be able to pass through where others saw only normality, and to think myself in paradise. – Jupiter’s Travels %

… their happiness had an unusual clarity and depth, like a clear pool, that invited others to jump in and share.

-- Jupiter’s Travels

% [the monkeys] seemed so close to enlightenment, as though at any moment they might stumble over it and explode into consciousness. They experiment with any familiar object … just as a human baby does … And nothing comes of it. To be so close, yet never pierce the veil! I looked at myself in the same light, as a monkey given my life to play with, prodding it, trying to stretch it into different shapes, dropping it and picking it up again, suspecting always that it must have some use and meaning, tantalized and frustrated by it but unable to make sense of it. – Jupiter’s Travels %

The vital instrument of change is detachment and traveling alone was an immense advantage. At a time of change the two aspects of a person exist simultaneously; and with a caterpillar turning into a butterfly there is the image of what you were and the image of what you are about to be, but those who know you well see you only as you were. They are unwilling to recognize change. By their actions they will try to draw you back into your familiar ways.

-- Jupiter’s Travels

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The truth obviously does not reveal itself unaided to humans. It has to be uncovered by an effort of consciousness. Or more likely, it exists only in human consciousness. Without man around to recognize it there is no truth, no God. – Jupiter’s Travels %

I smiled to myself at the sight of this money, ‘O drug’ said I aloud, ‘what art thou good for? Thou are not worth to me to me, no, not the taking off of the ground; one of those knives is worth all this heap; I have no manner of use for thee, e’en remain where thou art, and go to the bottom as a creature whose life is not worth saving.’ However, upon second thoughts, I took it away … – Robinson Crusoe %

There is an intense but simple thrill in setting off in the morning on a mountain trail knowing that everything you need is on your back. It is a confidence in having left all inessentials behind and of entering a world of natural beauty which has not been violated, where money has no value, and possessions are a dead weight. The person with the fewest possessions is the freest: Thoreau was right. – Paul Theroux %

From what I have said of the natives of New Holland they may appear to be some of the most wretched people on earth. But in reality they are far happier than we Europeans, being wholly unacquainted not only with the necessary Conveniences so much sought after in Europe, they are happy in not knowing the use of them. They live in Tranquility. The Earth and the Sea of their own accord furnish them with all things necessary in life. – Captain Cook %

And it is a profound consolation, perhaps the only one, to this haunted animal that wastes most of a long and ghostly life wandering the future and the past on its hind legs, looking for meanings, only to see in the eyes of others of its kind that it must die.

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Whatever this man is - wanderer or evil monk, or saint or sorcerer - he seems touched by what Tibetans call the “crazy wisdom”: he is free.

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All worldly pursuits have but one unavoidable and inevitable end, which is sorrow: acquisitions end in dispersion, buildings end in destruction; meetings, in separation; births, in death. Knowing this, one should from the very first renounce acquisition and heaping-up, and building and meeting, and … set about realizing the Truth … Life is short, and the time of death is uncertain; so apply yourselves to meditation … “ – Milarepa %

You never enjoy the world aright, till the Sea itself flows in your veins, till you are clothed with the heavens and crowned with the stars ….

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When you are ready, the teacher will appear. – Buddhism (from Peter Matthiessen)

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… Followers of trails and of seasons, breakers of camp in the little dawn wind, seekers of watercourses over the wrinkled rind of the world, o seekers, o finders of reasons to be up and gone …” – Saint John Perse

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It was at that moment that I realized that while it is possible to love two people at the same time, in different ways, in the heart, it is not possible to do so in the world. – David Leavitt %

Playfully, absently, without even giving thought to repercussions, she spoke right back to him. A conversation above the spoken words, beyond their meanings. Some folk call it chemistry, some call it lust; some call it honesty.”
– Randall Kenan

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My Sorrow, when she’s here with me, Thinks these dark days of autumn rain Are beautiful as days can be; She loves the bare, the withered tree; She walks the sodden pasture lane …

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There’s two ways of living here now. There’s the old way, look out for your family, die where you was born, fish, cut your wood, keep a garden, make do with what you got. Then there’s the new way - Work out, have a job, somebody tell you what to do, commute, your brother’s in South Africa, your mother’s in Regina, buy every goddamn cockadoodle piece of Japanese crap you can. Leave home. Go off to look for work. And some has a hard time of it. – the Shipping News

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Hard for Bunny, who still measured events on a child’s scale of fair and unfair. – the Shipping News %

How hard it must be to have to appear tougher than you are, and to go round the stray corners of the world with people whose hearts are shallow as far as you are concerned; and to have nothing you wish to be or do that you will risk your life for the reaching of; and to have a face that is pretty only for a time.

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How lucky is a stream, I thought as I lay idly, that has no need to repeat its rounds over the same ground like most of us, looking for something it never finds, but knows its way, and eats through the hills that impede it.

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A very small boy came to drive away the black cows grazing at a distance. Air and water and the busy grass fell silent. In the thickening velvet of the night the moon was soon climbing her steep invisible stair.

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Time and change … [are] visible anywhere and could be seen every morning as one walks to one’s office, since time and space are fluid along Thames as along Euphrates, and everything one looks at is transition. But such basic facts are what the human race, as soon as it has any initiative at all, pathetically smothers out of sight.

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Ever since the tower of Babel was built in the first adventure against space, people have been aware at intervals of the supremacy of Man. It remains perhaps to be proved, but meanwhile the landscape of our age advertises it, regretfully but with success, pushing the more permanent background out of sight. The mountains are there, but the factories take the foreground, and the seaside villa intrudes before the sea; and it is only in untamed corners that one can forget - or possibly remember - to whom the world belongs. The ‘underdeveloped countries’ (the arrogance of this term was almost incredible) - those poor underdeveloped countries may console themselves with the reflection that no great religion was ever born in a landscape whose foregrounds are completely occupied by men.

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The best thing about him was his wife and the best thing about his wife was a girlfriend named Dezi Duz who did whenever she could and had a Wac uniform that Lieutenant Scheisskopf’s wife put on every weekend and took off every weekend for every cadet in her husband’s squadron who wanted to creep into her.

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… then drew back the coverlet and stretched herself out luxuriously with an expression of feline expectation. She beckoned to him longingly, with a husky laugh.

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Her own body was such a familiar and unremarkable thing to her that she was puzzled by the convulsive ecstasy men could take from it, by the intense and amusing need they had merely to touch it, to reach out urgently and press it, squeeze it, pinch it, rub it. She did not understand Yossarian’s lust; but she was willing to take his word for it.

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… beckoned him into bed beside her with that look of simpering idiocy of a woman in heat.

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Nately had gone clear out of his mind. He wanted them all to fall in love right away and get married … Nately saw it all very clearly. Love had transmogrified him into a romantic idiot.

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It was easy to read the message in his entrails. Man was matter, that was Snowden’s secret. Drop him out a window and he’ll fall. Set fire to him and he’ll burn. Bury him and he’ll rot like other kinds of garbage. The spirit gone, man is garbage. That was Snowden’s secret.

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… And with his ear to the reed-stems he caught, at intervals, something of what the wind went whispering so constantly among them.

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Conversation was impossible for a long time; and when it was slowly resumed, it was that regrettable sort of conversation that results from talking with your mouth full.

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But it was good to think he had this place to come back to, this place which was all his own, these things which were so glad to see him again, and could always be counted upon for the same simple welcome.

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To his horror he recollected that he had left both coat and waistcoat behind him in his cell, and with them his pocket-book, money, keys, watch, matches, pencil-case - all that makes life worth living, all that distinguished the many-pocketed from the no-pocketed productions that hop or trip about permissively, unequipped for the real contest.

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It is all very well, when you have a light heart, and a clear conscience, and money in your pocket, and nobody scouring the country for you to drag you off to prison again, to follow where the road beckons and points, not caring wither.

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The Mole was a good listener, and Toad, with no one to check his statements or to criticize in an unfriendly spirit, rather let himself go. Indeed, much that he related belonged more properly to the category of what-might-have-happened- had-I-only-thought-of-it-in-time-instead-of-ten-minutes-afterwards. Those are always the best and raciest adventures: and why should they not be truly ours, as much as the somewhat inadequate things that really come off?

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I remember the old doctor, ‘It would be interesting to watch the mental changes of individuals on the spot.’ I felt I was becoming scientifically interesting. – Heart of Darkness %

Perhaps I had a little fever, too. One can’t live with one’s finger everlastingly on one’s pulse. I had often ‘a little fever,’ or a little touch of other things - the playful paw-strokes of the wilderness, the preliminary trifling before the more serious onslaught which came in due course.

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There was no sign on the face of nature of this amazing tale that was not so much told as suggested to me in desolate exclamations, completed by shrugs, in interrupted phrases, in hints ending in deep sighs.

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It was enough, when you thought it over, to give you the idea of an immense, potent, and invisible hand thrust into the ant-heap of the earth, laying hold of shoulders, knocking heads together, and setting the unconscious faces of the multitude towards inconceivable goals and in undreamt-of directions.

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The seamen were glad to get back into the alleyway. Secretly each of them thought at the last moment he could rush out on deck - and that was a comfort. There is something horribly repugnant in the idea of being drowned under a deck.

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There was an aneroid glass screwed above the couch. He turned that way, struck another match, and discovered the white face of the other instrument looking at him from the bulkhead, meaningly, not to be gain-said, as though the wisdom of men were made unerring by the indifference of matter.

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He [put the box of matches back] now, but before he removed his hand it occurred to him that perhaps he would never have occasion to use that box anymore. The vividness of the thought checked him and for an infinitesimal fraction of a second his fingers closed again on the small object as though it had been the symbol of all these little habits that chain us to the weary round of life. He released it at last, and letting himself fall on the settee, listened for the first sounds of returning wind.

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Environmentalists, naturalists, and conservationists are often asked to defend their concerns for the well-being of other species of living things besides man. The question is, ‘what good are they?’ meaning, of course, what good are they to man, because if one asked what good they were to the planet, one could just as legitimately ask the same question about mankind. – the View from Great Gull

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We are frightened by the power of nature, discomfited by the weather, confused by the unpredictable in our environment; we want to live more comfortably, to enjoy life more and enjoy it longer, to travel faster and more safely. So we invent and construct things that have the effect of putting bulwarks and distances between ourselves and the earth. This gives us a feeling of safety, of mastery over nature, and that feeling tends to separate us spiritually and psychologically from our roots.

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Now fewer and fewer men, using bigger and bigger machines and increasing amounts of chemicals, supply food for more and more people; another force thrusting man away from the reality of the planet - particularly in those nations that have the greatest impact on the planet.

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‘Free as a bird’ is an expression in which a bird might find ironical amusement, especially as coming from man, the only animal who has, in his individual life, succeeded in achieving some measure of independence from the discipline of nature. – Louis J Halle, Jr.

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The cultural upcurve in society hasn’t kept pace with the technological upcurve … our spiritual relation to the planet is not yet scarcely so so sophisticated as our mechanical relation.

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… nibble at the edges of the unknown …

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There has been in recent years excessive emphasis on a citizen’s rights, and inadequate stress upon his duties and responsibilities. – Paxton Blair %

Animals, because they lack opposable thumbs, carry things in their mouths. Animals release their possessions because it’s too difficult to carry them, and so there isn’t any temptation to accumulate. Being able to grasp leads inevitably and naturally to being able to hold and then to being able to keep. And so humans like me fill our holes with what attracts us, and animals continue to be, as they have been for generations, unfettered.

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The secret of Happiness is Freedom, and the secret of Freedom, Courage. – Thucydides %

All our discontents about what we want appeared to me to spring from the want of thankfulness for what we have. – Daniel Defoe, Robinson Crusoe

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Wealth I ask not, hope nor love, Nor a friend to know me; All I ask, the heaven above And the road below me. – Robert Louis Stevenson %

Travelling in the company of those we love is home in motion. – Leigh Hunt, English writer %

The sea contains many surprises for him who has his floor on a level with the surface and drifts along slowly and noiselessly. A sportsman who breaks his way through the woods may come back and say that no wild life is to be seen. Another may sit down on a stump and wait, and often rustlings and cracklings will begin and curious eyes peer out. So it is on the sea, too. We usually plow across it with roaring engines and piston-strokes, with the water foaming round our bow. Then we come back and say that there is nothing to see far out on the ocean. – Thor Heyerdahl, Kon Tiki

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The closer we came into contact with the sea and what had its home there, the loess stranger it became and the more at home we ourselves felt. And we learned to respect the old primitive peoples who lived in close converse with the Pacific and therefore knew it from a quite different standpoint from our own. True, we have now estimated its salt content and given tunnies and dolphins Latin names. They had not done that. But, nevertheless, I am afraid that the picture the primitive peoples had of the sea was a truer one than ours.

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It is clear that what he hated the most – what all travellers hate - was not being taken seriously. – Paul Thereaux, Happy Isles of Oceania %

Ah, Davidson, woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love - and to put its trust in life.“ – J Conrad, Victory %

Had the girl been trusted or mistrusted by that man? Whatever it was, it was bound to be wholly! With women there could be no half-measures. %

Heyst envied the Chinaman’s obedience to his instincts, the powerful simplicity of purpose which made his existence appear almost automatic in the mysterious precision of its facts.

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You don’t take a woman into a desert jungle without being made sorry for it sooner or later, in one way or another, and … being a gentleman only makes it worse. – J Conrad, Victory

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And it is a profound consolation, perhaps the only one, to this haunted animal that wastes most of a long and ghostly life wandering the future and the past on its hind legs, looking for meanings, only to see in the eyes of others of its kind that it must die.

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Whatever this man is - wanderer or evil monk, or saint or sorcerer - he seems touched by what Tibetans call the “crazy wisdom”: he is free.

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All worldly pursuits have but one unavoidable and inevitable end, which is sorrow: acquisitions end in dispersion; buildings end in destruction; meetings, in separation; births, in death. Knowing this, one should from the very first renounce acquisition and heaping-up, and building and meeting, and … set about realizing the Truth … Life is short, and the time of death is uncertain; so apply yourselves to meditation … – Milarepa %

When you are ready, the teacher will appear – Buddhism %

“Ladies of easy virtue are also there professionally” – euphemism of the month, Heinrich Haarer, Seven Years in Tibet

% A relationship, you’ve decided, is not something you need like a drug, but a journey, a circumstance, a choice you might make on a particular day. – Cowboys are My Weakness, Pam Houston %

“You like the sea, captain?” “Yes, I love it! The sea is everything. It covers seven-tenths of the terrestrial globe. Its breath is pure and healthy. It is an immense desert, where man is never lonely, for he feels life stirring on all sides. The sea is only the embodiment of a supernatural and wonderful existence. It is nothing but love and emotion; it is the ‘Living Infinite,’ as one of your poets has said … The globe began with the sea, so to speak; and who knows if it will not end with it? In it is supreme tranquility.” – Jules Verne

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The earth does not want new continents but new men.

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Ah! it is a fine death for a sailor!“ said Captain Nemo, at last. "A coral tomb makes a quiet grave; and I trust that I and my comrades will find no other.”

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I never could gamble. I like to work things out in advance, but it bothers me to think of what I might have been missing. I’ve done too much hacking away against the grain of life. Without all that solemn effort, maybe, I could have gone further, faster, easier. Remember what my headmaster said thirty years ago, that tar-stained old walrus: ‘Simon, you think too much.’ “ – Ted Simon

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At the time it seemed to me that what I wanted was to have my problem solved quickly and to get on my way … what happened on the way, who I met, all that was incidental. I had not quite realized that the interruptions were the journey.

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The gods have a great sense of humor, don’t they? If you lack the iron and the fizz to take control of your own life, if you insist on leaving your fate to the gods, then the gods will repay your weakness by having a grin at your expense. Should you fail to pilot your own ship, don’t be surprised at what inappropriate port you find yourself docked. – Tim Robbins %

‘I knew you would follow me,’ she said, with the kind of confidence some women exude when they sense that they have made a clean capture with the vaginal net.

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To eliminate the agitation and disappointment of desire, we need to awaken to the fact that we have everything we want and need right now.

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Madame Lily Devalier always asked ‘where are you?’ in a way that insinuated that there were only two places on earth that one could be: New Orleans and somewhere ridiculous.

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The highest function of love is that it makes the loved one a unique and irreplaceable being.

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[Their business] did alright. Their marriage did all right, too, which is to say the champagne was far from flat, although there were fewer bubbles per sip than there had been before the arguing started. They argued always about the same thing. It’s best that way. If lovers have to argue, they might as well specialize.

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Like that rarity, the wise husband, it was strong enough to possess its mate, secure enough to allow her her freedom.

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The last man with whom she had lain was a twenty-year-old dishwasher from El Papa Muerta. During a single evening, he had made love to her four times - for three minutes each time. Perhaps it is noteworthy, she thought, that the performance of a young man in bed is roughly the same length as a rock song on AM radio.

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Her vulnerability to Wiggs was opening her up (as voluntary vulnerability often can) in unexpected ways.

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Nostalgia and hope stand equally in the way of authentic experience.

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At birth, we emerge from dream soup. At death, we sink back into dream soup. In between soups, there is a crossing of dry land. Life is a portage.

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The most intense spiritual experiences all seem to involve the suspension of time. It is the feeling of being outside of time, of being timeless, that is the source of ecstasy in meditation, chanting, hypnosis, and psychedelic drug experiences. Although it is briefer and less lucid, a timeless, egoless state (the ego exists in time, not space) is achieved in sexual orgasm, which is precisely why orgasm feels so good.

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Material things anchor one in life much more firmly than the purists would like to believe. – Tom Robbins

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… nor was it that headstrong member with which every conceivable stuffable orifice somewhere sometime has been stuffed.

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South Richmond was a neighborhood of … men who knew more about the carburetor than the clitoris.

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During the week however, [she] used the vaginal wrench to slowly, gently turn her husband’s objections down to a mere trickle.

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[I’m not] altogether certain that there is any such thing as exaggeration. Our brains permit us to use such a wee fraction of their resources that, in a sense, everything we experience is a reduction.

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A lot of life boils down to the question of whether a person is going to be able to realize his fantasies, or else end up surviving only through compromises he can’t face up to. The way I figure it, Heaven and Hell are right here on earth. Heaven is living in your hopes and Hell is living in your fears.

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[Our sex] is always sort of desperate. There’s such need. We cling to each other, like we were holding on with our genitals to keep from falling into emptiness, a kind of lonely void. I have a feeling that it’s like that with a lot of lovers. – Tom Robbins

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He who travels fastest travels alone, but he who travels best travels with a companion, if not always a lover. – Paul Fussell, Abroad

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It is better to travel alone than with a bad companion. – Senegalese proverb

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And as the months passed, sensations sometimes developed into emotions, passions settled down into feelings. – Pico Iyer %

It has been said that the greatest curse to each of the South Sea Islands was the first man who discovered it.

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At sunset they were both out of sight, and we were once more upon the ocean, where sky and water meet.

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There is probably so much of excitement in prolonged expectation that the quiet realizing of it produces a momentary stagnation of feeling as well as effort. – Richard Henry Dana, Jr.

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… if I did not leap at once, I should never leap at all. I bent low on my knees and flung myself forth, with that kind of anger of despair that has sometimes stood me in stead of courage.

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I had become increasingly infuriated by the freedom Muslim men allowed themselves with Western women. To be so oppressive to your own, and so hypocritically free with others, and with apparently no idea of, or attempt to understand, other ways of living, seems common to mankind. I felt no remorse at all for having slammed into Jenny’s attacker. In fact he was lucky that some of the other townspeople separated us, apologizing for his behavior. – Nick Danziger

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The time finally came to depart. At least two hundred mujaheddin gathered to bid me farewell. For the first time in my life I felt as if I had shared contact with a lot of people, but the pleasure this gave me was touched by sadness and even guilt. The westerner’s disease of visiting, doing one’s bit and then leaving. ‘When will you come back?’ they asked me. What could I tell them?

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The mens' faces reflected the hardness of their lives: carrying expressions that looked unable to convey extremes of delight or misery, but which were frozen into resignation. The endurance of the human spirit.

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As I left for the station, she whispered to me, ‘I won’t say goodbye.’ Sometimes I wonder what I’m doing back in England. But perhaps it is as well to recognize that dreams can only ever be dreams. – Nick Danziger %

So many worlds, so much to do, So little done, such things to be. – Alfred Lord Tennyson %

The moon sails overhead, from the tops of the pines to the roof of the hotel, as if it were part of the illumination of the garden. It looks domestic and small among the Afghan mountains: and indeed, before the scientific age that is turning it to its original dust and ashes, what brilliant institution first guessed it to be bigger than any other lamp?

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Lydie, his wife, dipping into the household world where someone has to see about the dinners, made an art of the average life. – Ella Maillart %

As a hot mouth warms a cold spoon, Petal warmed Quoyle.

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But the idea of the north was taking him. He needed something to brace against.

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He liked the rich taste of life so well himself he wished for an entree or two for Quoyle. %

And she was with him again, Petal, like a persistent song phrase, like a few stubborn lines of verse memorized in childhood. The needle was stuck.

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The world was all knots and lashing once - flex and give, that as the way it went before the brute force of nails and screws.

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I knew I had to have a boat. I was in despair. You may think that the equation is ‘boat and water.’ It’s not. It’s ‘money and boat.’ The water is not really necessary. That’s why you see so many boats in boatyards. – the Shipping News

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To my readers young and old - a flowne sheate, a faire winde, a boune voyage.

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Dream dreams then write them aye, but live them first. – Samuel Elito Morison (1887-1976: sailor, historian) %

And I say what and she says I think you’re full of shit And I say baby you understand me. – Raymond Carver %

Keep in mind always the present you are constructing. It should be the future you want. %

And at a lake by Meredith on an August night gone by, a loon called for his lover while stars fell from the sky. He would listen for an answer and only hear the wind. But the stars appeared to like him for quite a few dropped in. – Dean Grodzins in his comic ‘Tangents’

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Usenet is a dinosaur too stupid to know it’s dead. The last ‘evolution’ Usenet had was yEnc. This antique client from 2002 supports that. There’s still some jackhole troll trying to convince people yEnc is a virus. 90% of today’s internet users would look at you like you’d grown a second nose if you asked them what Usenet was. Even the pedophiles have been run off Usenet. All that’s left are pirates, spammers and the few oblivious dinosaurs standing in the swamp watching the pretty light coming down from the heavens to obliterate them.

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“The factory of the future will have only two employees, a man and a dog. The man will be there to feed the dog. The dog will be there to keep the man from touching the equipment.” – Carl Bass CEO Autodesk %

The future is already here. It’s just not evenly distributed.

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Putting your data in the cloud is like sending your teenage daughter backpacking in a 3rd world country with a pimp.

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Diplomacy is the art of letting the other party have things your way. – Daniele Vare

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Why do programmers confuse Halloween and Christmas?

Because DEC 25 is OCT 31

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Overheard in New York

Bimbo tourist #1: Anyway, so when he pulled it out of me it made this farting noise, and I know it wasn’t a fart because it didn’t smell, and… It was just really embarrassing. Bimbo tourist #2: Quip. Bimbo tourist #1: What? Bimbo tourist #2: A quip. The farting noise, it’s called a ‘quip.’ Bimbo tourist #1: Oh, they have a name for it? Wow. Bimbo tourist #2: Oh, totally. It happens to a lot of people. Stranger: Um, that’s not right. Bimbo tourist #2: Excuse me, sir? Stranger: No, it’s ‘queef.’ Bimbo tourist #2: Wait, what? Bimbo tourist #1: I think he’s saying his name is ‘Queef’ or something. Bimbo tourist #2: Oh, sorry. Excuse me, Queef? Stranger: No… Oh, lord. The sound, it’s ‘queef.’ Bimbo tourist #2: Who’s a ‘queef?’ What’s going on? Bimbo tourist #1: I think he’s one of those crazy subway guys you hear about. I think he’s telling us he’s gay. Stranger: I can hear you, and I’m not… What? That’s ‘queer,’ you ingrate! Bimbo tourist #1: Here’s some money for you, sir. Buy your boyfriend a nice grocery cart or something. Stranger: What?! Does it look like I’m homeless to you? I’m wearing fucking YSL over here… I ain’t queer and I ain’t homeless. You ignorant, you skinny, Paris Hilton-wannabe whores. All I was saying to you was that when your sleazy-ass friend over here pulled her boyfriend’s dick out of her STD-ridden pussy, the word… Bimbo tourist #1: I’m not following… Is he speaking Cockney or something? Bimbo tourist #2: I don’t know. Are you allowed to mace crazy hobos? Stranger: …I’m not fucking crazy! Bimbo tourist #2: Of course you aren’t, sir. Passenger: Oh, shut your mouth, both of ya, or I’m gonna whoop both your scrawny asses, you hear? Stranger: Thank you. All I was saying was… Old lady: Ah, hell no! Can’t you see this conversation has gone past anyone in this damn subway’s comprehension? Know when to drop it, brother. Know when to drop it. Bimbo tourist #2: [Mouthing] Oh my god. Bimbo tourist #1: I know. That was intense. Stranger, muttering to himself: … Last time I ever take a subway… Unbelievable shit I put up with… Fucking Civics… Unreliable fuckers…

–L train

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Substitute teacher: How do you spell ‘attendance?’ Student: Oh, why? Are you doing a crossword puzzle? Substitute teacher: I’m taking attendance; what the fuck do you think I’m doing?

–Stuyvesant High School

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Mom to a seven-year-old kid on school bus: Fucking animal, I’ll fucking kill you! Seven-year-old bully: Suck my dick, you ugly bitch! Mom to son: Every fucking day! I can’t stand this shit!

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Black customer: Give me a yellow cash card, my brother. Middle Eastern owner: What’d you call me? Black customer: I said ‘my brother.’ Middle Eastern owner: No, no, no. We are different. Black customer: No, we’re not – we all come from the same place. We have the same blood. Middle Eastern owner: No, your blood is black – your blood is shit. Black customer: No, my blood is blue just like yours. Besides, if I don’t come here to your store to spend money, how are you going to afford the bombs to blow up buildings?

% Customer: Do you have pancetta? Deli guy: We have white cetta and orange cetta. [“cheddah”] Customer: Okay. Do you have prosciutto? %

Chick #1: So, Fred* and I got in a fight again last night, but we made up just as fast as it all started. I told him that I would let him fuck me in the ass if we can stop fighting for a month. Chick #2: Oh, yeah, good idea! That’ll work! %

Boyfriend: I’m sorry, I just can’t be with you anymore. You’re too clingy. Girlfriend: I’m not clingy! I fucked, like, ten other guys! Boyfriend: While we were dating? Girlfriend: Whatever, it was because you’re not that good in bed. Oh, yeah, I faked all my orgasms, by the way. And my boobs? –Aren’t water balloons! Boyfriend: Dude. First of all, we’re on a motherfucking-packed subway. Second of all, being a crazy bitch isn’t going to help your case. Girlfriend starts crying hysterically: You can’t break up with me! I love you! I love you! I love you! Stranger, to boyfriend: If you’re thinking of killing yourself after this, I sell knives.

%

Girl: He was wearing a t-shirt that said ‘My Jewish Mother Gave Me Two Options: Law school or Medical school.’ Guy: I like that. I should make a shirt for my friend that says ‘My Irish Catholic Mother Gave Me Two Options: Marry the Asshole Who Knocked Me Up and Live a Life of Alcoholic Domestic Violence or Join the Sisters of Saint Ignatius.’ ‘Cause clearly she chose neither. Girl: What do you mean? Guy: She said, 'To hell with this religious bullshit,’ had an abortion, got her MBA, and is now a Junior VP at a Midtown PR firm. Girl: Are you trying to say that religion is bullshit? Guy, patting girl on head: No, sweetie. You go find yourself that guy wearing the Jewish mother t-shirt and you’ll be fine.

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Waitress: Hi, sweetie, how are you?! Can I get you some more coffee, sweetie? Sweetie, you look like you’ve had a rough night, can I get you something else? Queer looking up at waitress for a silent minute: Darling, I really hope this is your first day, ‘cause clearly you are not skilled in the art of serving New Yorkers. I don’t know how they do things down South, but here in the city you ask us what we want, you bring it to us, and you walk away. You don’t make small talk, you don’t ask what’s wrong, and you sure as fuck don’t call us 'Sweetie.’ Get it? Waitress: Well, screw you! I don’t need to sit here and listen to some bratty– Queer, clapping: –Yes! Just like that! Except next time, instead of ‘Screw you,’ I’d say ‘Fuck you.’ Much more effective. Now, may I please have a cup of coffee? Thanks, Georgia.

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Chick: Good-bye [departs train]. Guy #1: Good-bye. Guy #2: Eddie*, your sister is really pretty. Guy #3: Don’t call her that – ‘pretty’ is something you say about nice girls, not whores like that. Eddie: What are you talking about? Guy #3: Ed, don’t take it out on me, but at Dave’s birthday party your sister was in the bedroom working for 10 dollars. Eddie: … I’m gonna kill Dave. Why didn’t you tell me about this?! Guy #3: Because she was right there! [Silence, then Eddie departs.] Guy #2: 10 dollars? What’s her phone number? I’ve got 10 dollars. Guy #3: I know, best 10 bucks I ever spent.

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Kid: Dad, what’s a novel? Dad: It’s a story written down in a book. Kid: What’s a short story? Dad, staring at kid: Are you freakin' kidding me?

–Father Demo Square

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Thug #1: Damn, how come every time a nigga tries to ride the subway the damn cops got to search ‘im? Thug #2: Um, I dunno, maybe 'cause every time you see a cop, you yell, 'Oh, shit, the po-lice!’ Fuckin' dumbass. That wasted 10 fuckin' minutes! I’m not ridin' the train wit' you no more. Thug #1: Hey, it ain’t my fault! I’m from the projects. That’s, like, what we do!

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Preppy guy waiting for walk signal: Hi there. Hot girl: Um, do I know you? Preppy guy: No, I was just being friendly… Hot girl: Oh, yeah? Well then why don’t you say hi to her, too? [Points to fat chick nearby.] Preppy guy, to himself: God, I hate New Yorkers…

% Guy #1: Dude, let’s go see Fiddler on the Roof. I heard it’s sick. Guy #2: Oh, that’s the sequel to The Wizard of Oz, right? With the witch of the East… Right? Guy #1: Let’s go get high. Guy #2: Okay.

% Thug #1: Yo, fuck them ‘Free Yayo’ t-shirt whack shits. Thug #2: Them shits should say ‘Free Us from Yayo’ and on the back some ‘Whackness is a Crime’ shit. Cooold blooded! What ya’ll think? Thug #3: Some of you niggas need to get t-shirts that say ‘Free Us from Illiteracy and Ignorance.’

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Drunk girl, clearly underage: Hahaha… Drunk man, half-carrying her: Come on, let’s go get you pregnant. Drunk girl, gasping happily: I love babies!

–Grand Central

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Lady holding child’s hand: If one more person bumps into me today I am going to fucking kill them. Passerby: Good, lady, teach your child to be an asshole just like you. Kid: Fuck you, asshole! Passerby: See!

–Subway, 86th St

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Arrogant freshman: Well, I find the whole drafting process a little counter-redundant. Writing professor: No, it’s productive. Arrogant freshman: I tend to disagree. I think it’s counter-redundant. Writing professor: No, the word! The phrase is ‘counter-productive.’ [Mumbles] Fucking smartass.

–NYU

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Woman: I’m sorry, I have to admit, I’ve been reading over your shoulder. I kept seeing the word ‘creepy,’ and I was intrigued. Girl: Oh, yeah, it’s feedback from a writing workshop I’m in. Woman: For a story you wrote? Girl: Yeah. Woman: It sounds so interesting based on what people wrote about it. I’d love to read it some day! What’s it about? Girl: It’s a necrophilia love story…

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TA: Has anyone ever read Madame Bovary? [Class remains silent.] What the fuck do they have you guys reading these days?! I’m leaving.

–Sociology class, NYU

% Expert conversationalist: I’m just going to sit here and read. You can talk to me while I’m reading if you want.

–Cafe Henri, West Village

% Girl: The stupid freshmen are so irresponsible with their readings that the teacher has to give us a quiz on the readings every week! So now I actually have to have this all read before class.

–Washington Square Park

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Redhead on cell: I spoke to Mom today. She is writing a book! The Jewish Girl’s Guide to Riker’s Island.

–53rd & 3rd

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20-ish girl on cell: I don’t like this Barnes and Noble! All they have are books!

–Barnes & Noble

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Suit: I was up in Toronto last week. It was nice, but it was really cold. Guy: Yeah, it’s beautiful up there, but they get winter really early. It’s like that Shakespeare line, ‘It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.’ Suit: [Befuddled silence.]

–LIRR into Penn Station

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Teen girl #1: I have to write an expository essay on something that has impacted my life. Teen girl #2: Has anyone in your family ever died? Teen girl #1: Yeah, but no one, like, close to me. Teen girl #2: Do you have any, like, retards in your family? Teen girl #1: No, but I did meet a retard one time… He was, like, really retarded, too. Maybe I’ll write about that…

–F train

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Five-year-old boy: Daddy, why is Mommy crying? Unemotional father: Son, your mother is crying because you are an asshole.

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Woman: Do you have a non-fiction section? Book guy: Well, everything that’s not fiction is non-fiction. [Over] there’s cooking, and there’s history. Woman: No, that’s not what I asked. Do you have a section for non-fiction? Book guy: Well, there are no non-fiction novels. Everything here that’s not a novel is non-fiction. Woman: But you don’t have a non-fiction section? Book guy: No. Everything that isn’t fiction is non-fiction.

–Barnes & Noble, Staten Island

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Girl #1: Did you hook up with Josh last weekend? Girl #2: Yeah, we got really drunk and I blew him and we did anal. I dunno if I want to lose my virginity with him, though.

–86th St, Bay Ridge

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Now there’s a good start for your morning. Aren’t you glad you aren’t the father of a future 17 year old girl?

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Mom: So, you’re gay, right? Son: No, Mom, I’m not gay. Mom: Yes, you are. I’ve seen your clothes. Son: All the guys wear these. Mom: All the gay ones, maybe. Son: Go away. Mom: If you were straight, you wouldn’t have cried so much after you were pushed out of my vagina. Son: Actually, I think that proves my straightness. No straight guy could look at your cunt and not cry.

%

Ghetto mama: Gimme some of yo' Skittles, boy. Little boy: No, they be my Skittles. Ghetto papa: Boy, you best to give yo' mama some Skittles or yo' ass is nevah gonna taste that rainbow again.

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Man: Do you wanna ride in the sidecar of my motorbike? My son does that all the time. We go really fast! Teen girl: Yeah, sure, I’d love to go in your pre-war sidecar. With a bit of luck all my friends will see me with some crazy bald man and that will be the end of my life. No, thanks!

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Little girl singing in stall: It’s okay that Mommy is a man, Mommy is a man, Mommy is a man! It’s okay that… Mom: Brooke! Jesus Christ! Little girl: Oh, Mommy is a man la la la la la! Can we get tacos?

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Lesbo: I’m just sick of everyone stereotyping and treating people based on race, sexual orientation, or whatever. Staight woman: Yeah, it’s hard to avoid. Lesbo: I know! And it’s like 2007! Everyone’s gay or lesbian. The stereotyping is everywhere – school, the gym, work. Straight woman: Oh, where do you work? Lesbo: Home Depot.

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Hoochie #1: Wait, he has a kid? Hoochie #2: Yeah! Crazy, right? Hoochie #1: So, are you going to be a step-mommy? Hoochie #2: No, no, no… Not a step-mommy. I’m the slutty, hot, 25-year-old that fucks Daddy.

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Hipster girl #1: I was blowing him and it was taking, like, 20 minutes, so I finally told him to hurry up since my jaw was hurting. Hipster girl #2: I hate that! How can they take that long to just finish? Suit nearby: If you would do it right, it would only take two minutes.

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Coworker #1: So what’ve you been up to? Coworker #2: The usual. Just whacked off. Coworker #1: Dude, you’re on speakerphone.

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Schoolgirl #1: You know that tall short blond girl? Schoolgirl #2: You just described about 250 girls in our school. Schoolgirl #1: Um… the one who isn’t a whore. Schoolboy: That narrows it down to about five.

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Suit: Hey, do you have a light? Polite Englishman: Sorry, I don’t smoke. Suit: I asked for a light, not your fucking life story.

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Black guy: Why would a young black girl dye her hair blonde? Looks terrible, y'know. Whitey: Um, yeah. Bad idea. Black guy: Bitch looked like a burnt grilled cheese sandwich.

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Fat guy: I love you. Cute girl: Do you really mean what you say, or are you just saying it? Fat guy: Of course I mean it. [They make out, then chick leaves.] What a dumb bitch.

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Italian conductor over loudspeaker: Everyone, get the fuck away from the doors and get on this fucking train. Every fucking day the same shit. You’re only hurting yourselves, morons! Fucking inconsiderate assholes. You either get on or get the fuck off! Conductor #2: Mike, man, come on. Italian conductor: Fuck this, man. We’re going express!

–7 train, Junction Blvd

Man, slamming on hood of taxi inching forward: Hey! I’m walkin' here! [Turns to people behind him] Where’s that from? Lady passerby: Midnight Cowboy!

–50th & Broadway

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Teen girl #1: How many guys have you slept with? Teen girl #2: Let’s see… There was the rape – haha, remember that? I don’t count him. Then there were the two guys I had butt sex with. Let’s not count that either. I’d say about nine? I can’t remember the exact number. Teen girl #1: Oh, you’re fine, then.

%

Toddler in stroller: Fuck you! Hahaha! Fuck you! Hahaha! Tourist mom: Did that baby just say ‘fuck you’? This is the tenth time we’ve been to the city, and I’ve never seen anything that odd. Tourist daughter: We are on Canal Street, Mom. Tourist mom: This is very true. Way to go, stroller kid! Yeah!

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White mom: Which kitty is your favorite? Little girl holding book of baby animals: The black one! Mom: The black one? He sure is a cute kitty. Little girl, loudly: Once you go black, you never go back! Passing thug, flashing her a thumbs-up: Word! White mom: I don’t care what your father says, we are so moving to Westchester.

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Man #1: What is going on here? Man #2: They are filming the new Sex in the City movie with Sarah Jessica Parker. They have the entrance to the subway blocked off. Man #1: Wonderful. I wouldn’t even know what Sarah Jessica Parker looks like. Woman nearby: Hi. I’m Sarah Jessica Parker. Man #1: Nice to meet you. Can I go home now? Sarah Jessica Parker: Sure, go ahead.

–Outside 6 train entrance

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Effeminate thug: Look at all the couples around us! They’re happy! Why can’t we be like that?! Bimbette: I’m happy! Effeminate thug: Well, I’m not. I don’t understand why you have to keep lying to me and acting like it’s all a joke. Bimbette: Because I’m happy! Effeminate thug: That’s it, I’m leaving. Bimbette: Want a blowjob? Effeminate thug: … Okay.

%

Teen guy #1: Yo, I was Christmas shopping with Julia and her other friend at Sephora, and they got the weirdest fuckin' gift for Anne. Teen girl: What was it? Teen guy #1: Well, we walked into the store, and Julia asked if they sold this cream that you put on your ass that takes away, like, stretch marks and pimples on your ass and shit. It was fuckin' nasty. They got her ass cream. Teen guy #2: That’s fuckin' weird, yo. It’s like, ‘Oh, Anne, I was thinking of getting you this really nice sweater for Christmas–’ ‘–Forget the sweater! All I want is some Grade A ass cream!’

%

LI girl: Wait, where’s the milk for the coffee? Cashier: The sugar’s right here. LI girl: No, I want milk. Don’t you have any milk in this whole place? For coffee? Cashier: No, because you said you want regular. LI girl: Yeah, regular – like ‘not decaf.’ Cashier: No. Regular is ‘no milk.’ LI girl: No. Black is like this – ‘no milk.’ Cashier: No. Black is ‘not hazelnut.’ Onlooker: Learn how to order or get out of the way.

%

Man #1: It seems my first wife put my name down on a job application as a reference. Man #2: Oh, yeah? How do you know? Man #1: Somebody called me yesterday and asked, ‘Can you tell us something about her?’ Man #2: What did you say? Man #1: I said, ‘She can’t cook and she’s lousy in bed! As long as the job don’t require that, I guess she’d be good.’ Man #2: What an idiot!

–LIRR % Girl to friend: I think I just saw the guy I was with last night. Friend: You gonna go say something to him? Girl: No way! First he made me give him a handjob for like an hour, then he shot right in my eye. I think it’s still red. Friend: Your eye or his cock? Girl: Either way, no second date. %

Bruce Chatwin

In the 1860s W.H. Hudson came to the Rio Negro looking for the migrant birds that wintered around his home in La Plata. Years later he remembered the trip through the filter of his Notting Hill boarding house and wrote a book so quiet and sane it makes Thoreau seem a ranter. Hudson devotes a whole chapter of Idle Days in Patagonia to answering Mr Darwin’s question [of why such arid wastes could take such possession of one’s mind], and he concludes that desert wanderers discover in themselves a primaeval calmness (known also to the simplest savage), which is perhaps the same as the Peace of God.

-- Bruce Chatwin, In Patagonia

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‘Funny, you remind me of Bobby Dawes. Young Englishman, same as yourself, wandering about Patagonia. One day he walks up to an estancia and says to the owner: “If you give me work, you’re a saint, and your wife’s a saint, and your children are angels, and that dog’s the best dog in the world.” But the owner says, “There is no work.” “In which case,” Bobby says, “you’re the son of a whore, your wife is a whore, your children are monkeys, and if I catch that dog, I’ll kick its arse until its nose bleeds.” ’

-- Bruce Chatwin, In Patagonia

%

The second story was about a cure for scab. The punch line was ‘Put a lump of sugar in the sheep’s mouth and suck its arse till it tastes sweet.’ He repeated the story twice to make sure I’d get the point. I lied. I couldn’t face it a third time. Finding in ‘primitive’ languages a dearth of words for moral ideas, many people assumed these ideas did not exist. But the concepts of ‘good’ or ‘beautiful,’ so essential to Western thought, are meaningless unless they are rooted to things. The first speakers of language took the raw material of their surroundings and pressed it into metaphor to suggest abstract ideas.

-- Bruce Chatwin, In Patagonia

%

[Henri Grien] did come to England aboard the ‘Waikato’ - and seems to have cursed her as well. (Shortly after, her propeller shaft broke off the Cape of Good Hope, and she was sucked south by the Agulhas Current, drifting for four months, the longest steamer drift on record. Conrad used it for his story ‘Falk.’)

-- Bruce Chatwin, In Patagonia

%

In the weeks that followed Lieutenant da Silva worked in heat that would have driven most whites to their hammocks or their graves. Even on quivering afternoons, when the sun sucked out the colour of earth and leaves, he would strip to the waist, bark orders, and shoulder the heaviest loads himself. The blacks were amazed to see a white man work.

-- Bruce Chatwin, The Viceroy of Ouidah

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It was the usual suffocating afternoon in March…the Cathedral … glared across an expanse of red dirt at the walls, the mud huts and trees of the Python Fetish. Turkey buzzards drifted in a milky sky. The metallic din of crickets made the heat seem worse. Banana leaves hung in limp ribbons. There was no wind.

-- Bruce Chatwin, The Viceroy of Ouidah

%

Twenty years of mission work in Angola had given Father de Lessa the appearance of a bird of prey and biblical convictions on the subject of Blacks. He had the habit of conducting scripture lessons in the form of rhetorical questions: ‘Can the Ethiopian change his skin?’ he would shout. ‘Or the leopard his spots?’ Was not black the colour of night? Of the devil? Was not black skin the very mark of Cain? Dom Francisco guessed what was wrong and, one morning, sat outside the schoolroom and listened to the padre’s peroration. Then he poked his head through the window and said, ‘But blacks believe the Devil is white.’

-- Bruce Chatwin, The Viceroy of Ouidah

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I had a presentiment that the ‘travelling’ phase of my life might be passing. I felt, before the malaise of settlement crept over me, that I should reopen those notebooks. I should set down on paper a resume of the ideas, quotations and encounters which had amused and obsessed me; and which I hoped would shed light on what is, for me, the question of questions: the nature of human restlessness.

-- Bruce Chatwin, The Songlines

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Pascal, in one of his gloomier pensees, gave it as his opinion that all our miseries stemmed from a single cause: our inability to remain quietly in a room.

-- Bruce Chatwin, The Songlines

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Ib'n Khaldun based his system on the intuition that men decline, morally and physically, as they drift toward cities. The rigors of the desert, he suggested, had preceded the softness of cities. The desert was thus a reservoir of civilisation, and desert peoples had the advantage over settlers because they were less abstemious, freer, braver, healthier, less bloated, less craven, less liable to submit to rotten laws, and altogether easier to cure.

-- Bruce Chatwin, The Songlines

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As a man [Che] Guevara, for all his charm, strikes one as a ruthless and unpleasant personality. As a Hero, he never put a foot wrong - and the world chose to see him as a hero.

-- Bruce Chatwin, The Songlines

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SlashSigs, Greatest Hits

Giving angry mobs something to do since 1998!

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“Smokey, this is not ‘Nam. This is bowling. There are rules.” -Walter Sobchak

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When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

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Telepathetic (adj.); Being such a loser that you can be spotted a mile away.

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Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It’s just that yours is stupid.

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If you were me, you’d be good lookin'. - six string samurai

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“Remove wrapper, open mouth, insert muffin, eat.” – Instructions on the packaging for a muffin at a 7-11.

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“Provided by the management for your protection.”

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Death to all who oppose–oh, look! A bunny!

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What does not kill me just postpones the inevitable.

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It’s survival of the fittest…and we got the fucking guns!!!

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“Son, in a sporting event, it’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how drunk you get” - Homer J. Simpson

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Always remember to pillage before you burn.

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I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy

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This space unintentionally left unblank.

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All fumbs and no thingers.

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“Then eMpTyVee came along, and gave me the attention span of a ferret, and I didn’t care any more.” - Wil Wheaton

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start of tether [—————-|–] end of tether

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He who laughs last thinks slowest!

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I take your 2c, now you senseless!!! HA! HA! HA! Old Hong Kong Joke!

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“The trouble with the global village are all the global village idiots”

• Paul Ginsparg

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“The only way to make music that cannot be copied is to make music that cannot be heard.” - Gene Kan

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Canadian Bred with American Buttering

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The entertainment industry has been brought to you by the letters F and U

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The copyright on this (pseudonymous) post will expire on January 1st 2099, unless copyright gets extended again.

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I wish I could hear the soundtrack to my life. That way I’d know when to duck.

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Shoes. The other white meat.

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Frito Lay. Proud sponsor of the munchies since 1932.

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Reunite Pangea!

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To ensure perfect aim, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target

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It’s a poodle. Put it on delicate.

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I have a dream! That one day, a pizza WILL BE delivered that IS cut all the way through! Free at last!

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Cantankerous old coot since 1964

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Value: the part of a product that’s manufactured by the marketing department.

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Idiots, Every single one of YOU, A flaming mass of conglomerated morons, hey wait a second, isnt that how RAID works?

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“Legs feed the wolf.” – Russian proverb

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The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.

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All you really need us WD40 and duct tape. If it should move and it doesn’t use WD40; If it moves and it shouldn’t use duct tape.

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You’re too stupid to be offended by this.

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“Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?”

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Who’s got the whiteout?

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I have come to chew bubblegum and kick ass. And I’m all out of bubblegum. - Roddy Piper, “They Live”

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Repeat after me, we are all individuals

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If unsure, say Y

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“We’re not french kissing, we’re freedom kissing.”

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If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you

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What do Monkeys Spank?

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Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals… ‘cept the weasel.

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“I may be superficial, but you’re fat.”

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This has been a test. Had this been a real emergency, we would have fled in terror, and you would not have been informed

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Carpe Scrotum - The only way to deal with your competition.

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“Lawyers are for sucks.” - Doug McKenzie

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I no longer fear Hell, because I know Satan will just put me in my office and unleash an unending barrage of stupidity.

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Hard work often pays off after time. But laziness always pays off now.

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“America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.” - Oscar Wilde

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“I’m tired of all this ‘Aren’t humanity great’ bullshit. We’re a virus with shoes” - Bill Hicks

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Fact: Beginning a statement with “Fact:” does not itself, in fact, make the statement fact

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If you’re not on somebody’s shit list, you’re not doing anything worthwhile.

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When life gives you crap, Make Crapade

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Hi. This is my friend, Jack Shit, and you don’t know him.-Lord Kano

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“Which way do I leave from?” “Here at Harvard, we don’t use prepositions to end our sentences.” “Alright. Which way do I leave from, asshole?”

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deputy dog dog a ding dang dipa dipa dee

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Marge, get me my address book, 4 beers, and my conversation hat.

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When I die I want to go just like my grandfather, in his sleep, not screaming like the other people in the car

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If all you have are silver bullets, everything looks like a werewolf

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“When the atomic bomb goes off there’s devastation…but when the atomic bong goes off there’s celebraaaaation!”

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i ate crayons when i was a kid and now i have two braincells and the blue ones taste nicer

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Nothing says “unprofessional job” like wrinkles in your duct tape.

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A woman is like your shadow; follow her, she flies; fly from her, she follows. – Chamfort

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Be Alert! The internet needs more lerts.

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Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life. – Dave Butler

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Behind every great woman… Is a man checking out her ass

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‘I think it’s wrong that the game Monopoly is made by only one company.’ - Steven Wright

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Prepare for a pride obliterating bitch slap

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Lysdexics of the world Untie!!!!

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They don’t grade fathers, but if your daughter’s a stripper, you fucked up. –Chris Rock

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Ditzy Chinese chick: So, I went on this job interview with this law firm, right? And this lawyer who was interviewing me was really cute, ya know? So at the end of the interview he stood up, and I wasn’t sure what to say so I said, ‘Well, I don’t know whether you’re going to hire me or not, but I’d really like to fuck you.’ So he came to my apartment after work and fucked me. Then I get a letter two days later telling me I didn’t get the fucking job! Do you think that’s sexual harassment?

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I work for the Department of Redundancy Department.

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Verbogeny is one of the pleasurettes of a creatific thinkerizer. (Peter da Silva)

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If wishes were ponies beggars would ride

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If you aren’t part of the solution, there is good money to be made prolonging the problem

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“Champagne for my real friends - and real pain for my sham friends!”

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A rose by any other name would smell as sweet; A chrysanthemum by any other name would be easier to spell

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Black holes are where God divided by zero - Steven Wright

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Cult: (n) a small, unpopular religion./Religion: (n) a large, popular cult

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“That which we win cheaply, we esteem lightly.” - Thomas Paine

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Cypherpunks: Civil Liberty Through Complex Mathematics. Those who live by the sword die by the arrow.

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Go, trade liberty for safety, but you might not have needed the safety if you’d shared your liberty to begin with.

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Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

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Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes.–Henry David Thoreau

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Anyone can act smart, but it takes a smart person to act stupid.

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The world is run by idiots because they’re more efficient than hamsters.

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“During times of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act” – George Orwell

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All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.

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“The truth is that men are tired of liberty.” – Benito Mussolini.

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“Enlightenment is your ego’s biggest disappointment.” –Yoginanda

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A crank is a little thing that makes revolutions

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“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the the universe.” – Albert Einstein

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Diplomacy is the art of saying “nice doggie” whilst looking for a rock

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The easiest way to get shot is to carry a gun – Atticus Finch

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I do not know what WW3 will be fought with,but I know what WW4 will be fought with: sticks and stones - Einstein

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Even if a man chops off your hand with a sword, you still have two nice, sharp bones to stick in his eyes.

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The significant problems we face cannot be solved by the same level of thinking that created them. -Albert Einstein

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I swear to God I am an Atheist.

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“Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.” - Albert Einstein

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“Power corrupts and absolute power is actually pretty neat.” (Tom Clancy. The Bear And The Dragon.)

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Your brain is not just a blood cooling system

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“It is a besetting vice of democracies to substitute public opinion for law.” - James Fenimore Cooper

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Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken- Tyler Durden

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For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong. – H L Mencken

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The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. –Edmund Burke

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Wit is educated insolence. – Aristotle

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Give a man a fish, he owes you one fish./ Teach a man to fish, you give up your monopoly on fisheries.

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“Who’s more foolish, the fool or the fool who follows him?”

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Creativity - The sudden cessation of stupidity.

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Consume! Obey! We love the USA!!!

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“Show me a good loser, and I’ll show you a loser.” – Vince Lombardi, football coach

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I prefer rogues to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest. – Alexandre Dumas, fils

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The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time, with the blood of patriots and tyrants. -Jefferson

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Don’t be afraid to try something yourself. Remember amateurs built the Ark, professionals built the Titanic

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Less Warring! More Whoring!

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Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from religious conviction. -Blaise Pascal, philosopher

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cheezus_es_lard

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The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

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Capitalism: unequal distribution of wealth / Socialism: equal distribution of poverty

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“Freedom Fries” isn’t patriotism, it’s jingoism

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War is God’s way of teaching Americans about geography. – Ambrose Bierce

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A chess master once told me: “Never neglect the obvious. Usually it’s obvious because it’s right.”

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After the game the king and the pawn go in the same box. – Italian proverb

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Fascism:Extreme right-wing dictatorial government,belligerently nationalist,that merges state and business leadership

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I have often regretted my speech, never my silence. -Xenocrates

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Cole’s Axiom: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant. The population is growing.

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The world is watching America, and America is watching TV

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If I wanted easy I wouldn’t be an engineer or a patriot.

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A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. – William James

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“Satan for president – why settle for the lesser of two evils.”

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Economics: the overeducated in pursuit of the unknowable" (Robert Solow).

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Politicians, like diapers, have to be changed frequently - and for the very same reason. Anonymous

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Government of the people, by corporate executives, for corporate profits.

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A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won’t cross the street to vote in a national election

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History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it - Sir Winston Churchill

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There are 4 boxes to use in the defense of liberty: soap, ballot, jury, ammo. Use in that order. Starting now.

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If we don’t believe in freedom of expression for people we despise, we don’t believe in it at all. -Chomsky

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Democracy is two wolves and a sheep voting on what’s for dinner."

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I’ve found the loophole in democracy. It’s stupid people. Vast masses of stupid people.

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God was my copilot, but we crashed in the mountains and I had to eat him.

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“There is no reason to attempt such a feat of idiocy, other than the fact that some people, which is to say some people like me, have a need to search the depths of their stamina for self-definition. It’s a contest in purposeless suffering.” –Lance Armstrong

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Computer are useless: they can only give you answers. - Pablo Picasso

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We sleep peaceably in our beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on our behalf.

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If I seem short sighted, it is because I stand on the shoulders of midgets

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When in Rome we shall do as the Romans, when in Hell we do shots at the bar. –ETID

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All editorial writers ever do is come down from the hill after the battle is over and shoot the wounded.

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Marxism is the opiate of dumbasses

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No folly is more costly than the folly of intolerant idealism. - Winston Churchill

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Record oil profits reported. Luckily I can warm my house with the smoldering remains of the Constitution

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No country is more than three meals away from a revolution.

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life, n: The whim of several billion cells to be you for a while

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When God hates all the same people you do, its a sign you’ve created Him in your own image.

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Life is just nature’s way of keeping meat fresh.

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“We are all atheists about most of the gods that humanity has ever believed in. Some of us just go one god further.”

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Old Chinese Proverb: The man who does not make mistakes usually does not make anything.

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Civil Disobedience, it’s not just a good idea, it’s illegal.

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To be is to do = Immanuel Kant To do is to be = Descartes. Do be do be do = Frank Sinatra

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Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by the rulers as useful.

      -- Seneca

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Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want and deserve to get it good and hard.

– H.L. Mencken %

Nom de dieu de putain de bordel de merde de saloperie de connard d' encule de ta mere

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fundamentalism (n.): fund = give cash to; amentalism = brainlessness

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Violence is like duct tape. If it doesn’t solve the problem, you didn’t use enough

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A person who won’t read has no advantage over one who can’t read. – Mark Twain

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I knew it was getting fucking cold in here. –Satan

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People who need govt to enforce their religion must not have much faith in the power of its message.

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Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me forty three times, shame on your strategy guide ($14.99+tax).

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The Internet treats censorship as damage and routes around it.

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Disclaimer: This poster rides the short bus AND wears the helmet.

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When I have a kid, I want to put him in one of those strollers for twins and then run around the mall looking frantic.

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Science flies people to the moon, but religion flies them into buildings.

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Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

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(((:~(> – The Prophet Mohammed. Ha, an image of him at last!

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Ankh is you love Isis

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When I give food to the poor, they call me a saint. When I ask why the poor have no food, they call me a Communist

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Everybody gets what the majority deserves.

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Toddlers are the Storm Troopers of the Lord of Entropy

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“Don’t worry,” said the trees when they saw the axe coming, “The handle is one of us.”

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1984 was not supposed to be an instruction manual.

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Brawndo – It mutilates your thirst, buries it in the crawlspace, and tells the neighbors it left town.

Brawndo – If you’re not drinking it, the guy banging your wife probably is.

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You’ll never have experience until after you needed it.

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Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder aloud what the country could do under first-class management.

                -- Senator Soaper

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( ) ( ) _ ) ( _ (\ ) (_))

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You can lead a horticulture but you can’t make her think.

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I’ll see your senator and raise you two judges.

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Ignorance is innocence–stupidity comes with experience.

               -- Amos Bronson

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You’re Special forces then? That’s great! I just love your Olympics!

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Keep your god out of our government and I’ll keep my unicorns out of your church.

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Give a man a mask and he will show his true face. - Oscar Wilde

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I’ve got poopheimers. That’s where you forget shit.

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Reasonable men adapt to the world around them; unreasonable men make the world adapt to them. The world is changed by unreasonable men.

-- Edwin Louis Cole

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You may think me a tired, old, cynic. I’d have to disagree about the tired bit.

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Success is relative: It is what we can make of the mess we have made of things.

-- T.S. Eliot, "The Family Reunion"

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The first rule of tautology club is the first rule of tautology club

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In a consumer society there are inevitably two kinds of slaves: the prisoners of addiction and the prisoners of envy.

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The mind just boggles at how incredibly futile it is going to be googling for help on an app called ‘Software’. I think the gnome guys have gone from mild contempt for the user to rabid hate and fury. Amazing.

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I am a lawyer and this constitutes legal advice and I shall indemnify you against any losses arising from taking it.

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Let’s see: a white cat on a white, fur blanket. Too much luxury in this photo. I feel like I’m wearing silk panties just looking at it.

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If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you’re going to get selfish, ignorant leaders.

-- George Carlin

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Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities.

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By the way, I think you might be the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen outside the pages of a really filthy magazine

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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

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It’s a dog eat dog world out there, and I’m wearing MilkBone underwear. – Norm Peterson, Cheers

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Be circumspect in your liaisons with women. It is better to be seen at the opera with a man than at mass with a woman. – De Maintenon

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Goldbonds: You’ve never enjoyed the luxury of dusting your nuts with this? Just rub a little on the sides of your balls and leg where they rub together, and give the taint a pat. No swassy balls, ever. Feel the breeze of a thousand hot girls breathing cool mountain air on your balls all day, my friends.

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I love Jesus, except for his foreign policy.

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It’s the good girls who keep the diaries, the bad girls never have the time.

    -- Tallulah Bankhead

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