Long Humor
If You’re Happy And You Know It Bomb Iraq
If you cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq. If the markets are a drama, bomb Iraq. If the terrorists are Saudi, And your alibi is shoddy, And your tastes remain quite gaudy, Bomb Iraq. If you never were elected, bomb Iraq. If your mood is quite dejected, bomb Iraq. If you think that SUVs, Are the best thing since sliced cheese, And your father you must please, Bomb Iraq. If the globe is quickly warming, bomb Iraq. If the poor will soon be storming, bomb Iraq. We assert that might makes right, Burning oil is a delight, For the empire we will fight, Bomb Iraq. If we have no allies with us, bomb Iraq. If we think that someone’s dissed us, bomb Iraq. So to hell with the inspections, Let’s look tough for the elections, Close your mind and take directions, Bomb Iraq. If corporate fraud is growin', bomb Iraq. If your ties to it are showin', bomb Iraq. If your politics are sleazy, And hiding that ain’t easy, And your manhood’s getting queasy, Bomb Iraq. Fall in line and follow orders, bomb Iraq. For our might now knows no borders, bomb Iraq. Disagree? We’ll call it treason, It’s the make war not love season,
Even if we have no reason, Bomb Iraq.
- John Robbins
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Egham is “spam capital” of UK
Email filtering company MessageLabs reports that Egham, Surrey, on the suburban outskirts of London, is the town that receives the most spam in Britain [today.com].
“It’s not like there’s much else to do,” said Boris Busybody, 77 (IQ), of Egham Hythe, idly whirling his four-foot penis around his head in a desultory fashion. “Expanding your manhood, growing your breasts, increasing your sperm … the Lib Dem phone calls get a bit much. That’s Doctor Busybody, by the way. My Ph.D arrived last week.”
Spam has revitalized the local economy. Mr Busybody has given up cab driving and is now working a lucrative job processing payments from home after he sent them his bank details in response to an urgent security message. “I had that King Otumfuo Opoku Ware II in the back of my cab once. Very generous and helpful fellow.”
The Egham Tourist Board has seized the day, with plans for a 50 foot tall penis sculpture at Junction 13 of the M25 on the exit ramp to the town. The sculpture will be encircled by a genuine imitation Rolex and spray a fountain of Spermamax, obtained at a very reasonable rate from a Canadian pharmacy. “You will search an hour for your underwear in the ocean of our spam!” is to become the new town motto.
“I did get a good one the other day,” says Busybody. “Barrister Matthew Sergeant Busybody of MessageLabs said we could promote our town to millions of people just by sending them an advance fee to process our incoming email. The stuff they try! ‘Scuse me, V!k@grk@ kicking in, got to go have sex again. Sorry.”
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Suggested New SPR Wording, or We’re VMS and You’re Not.
VMS Version 3:
Please stop submitting SPR’s. This is our system. We designed it, we built it, and we use it more than you do. If there are some features you think might be missing, if the system isn’t as effective as you think it could be, TOUGH! Give it back, we don’t need you. See figure.
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! - !
! { } !
! | | !
! | | !
! .-.! !.-. !
! .-! ! ! !.-. !
! ! ! ! ; !
! \ ; !
! \ ; !
! ! : !
! ! | !
! | | !
! !
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Figure 1.
Forget about your silly problem, let’s take a look at some of the features of the VMS operating system.
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I like Windows XP Home Edition.
It is the most powerful operating-system for Pee Cees. It looks not as gay as Mac OS X by Steve B10 Jobs and has 1,0000,0000 times more softwares that the Linus-operating-system.
Plus, it comes with every Pee Cee for free. People who have grown acusstomt to paying RatHat 699 $$$ or more can hardly beleive this when I consult them with my proffesional Internet- and Network-Service-Center-Bureau.
I always tell them: “Windows XP Home Edition is all you can empower to leverage the outcome-bottomlime of your stickholder … plus even more!”
My customers usually are like: “OMG!”
You should really try it one day; it has a very nice light-reddish color theme to hit your tastes.
Thank you!
– by Anonymous Coward on 01-11-05 07:35 AM (#11318508)
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The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race.
The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day the Japanese won by a mile.
The American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action.
The consultant’s finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering. After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the American team’s management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers, and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.
The next year, the Japanese won by two miles!
Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.
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It's all about the Pentiums Baby! (Score:1, Funny)
by supertbone (624441) on Monday July 12, @12:28PM (#9675847)
It's all about the Pentiums, baby
What y'all wanna do?
Wanna be hackers? Code crackers? Slackers
Wastin' time with all the chatroom yakkers?
9 to 5, chillin' at Hewlett Packard?
Workin' at a desk with a dumb little placard?
Yeah, payin' the bills with my mad programming skills
Defraggin' my hard drive for thrills
I got me a hundred gigabytes of RAM
I never feed trolls and I don't read spam
Installed a T1 line in my house
Always at my PC, double-clickin' on my mizouse
Upgrade my system at least twice a day
I'm strictly plug-and-play, I ain't afraid of Y2K
I'm down with Bill Gates, I call him "Money" for short
I phone him up at home and I make him do my tech support
It's all about the Pentiums, what?
You've gotta be the dumbest newbie I've ever seen
You've got white-out all over your screen
You think your Commodore 64 is really neato
What kinda chip you got in there, a Dorito?
You're usin' a 286? Don't make me laugh
Your Windows boots up in what, a day and a half?
You could back up your whole hard drive on a floppy diskette
You're the biggest joke on the Internet
Your database is a disaster
You're waxin' your modem, tryin' to make it go faster
Hey fella, I bet you're still livin' in your parents' cellar
Downloadin' pictures of Sarah Michelle Gellar
And postin' "Me too!" like some brain-dead AOL-er
I should do the world a favor and cap you like Old Yeller
You're just about as useless as jpegs to Hellen Keller
Uh, uh, loggin' in now
Wanna run wit my crew, hah?
Rule cyberspace and crunch numbers like I do?
They call me the king of the spreadsheets
Got 'em printed out on my bedsheets
My new computer's got the clocks, it rocks
But it was obsolete before I opened the box
You say you've had your desktop for over a week?
Throw that junk away, man, it's an antique
Your laptop is a month old? Well that's great
If you could use a nice, heavy paperweight
My digital media is write-protected
Every file inspected, no viruses detected
I beta tested every operating system
Gave props to some, and others? I dissed 'em
While your computer's crashin', mine's multitaskin'
It does all my work without me even askin'
Got a flat-screen monitor forty inches wide wide
I believe that your says "Etch-A-Sketch" on the side
In a 32-bit world, you're a 2-bit user
You've got your own newsgroup, "alt.total-loser"
Your motherboard melts when you try to send a fax
Where'd you get your CPU, in a box of Cracker Jacks?
Play me online? Well, you know that I'll beat you
If I ever meet you I'll control-alt-delete you
What? What? What? What? What?
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Why Latinos Can’t Be Terrorists:
- 8:45am is too early for us to be up.
- We are always late, we would have missed all 4 flights.
- Pretty people on the plane distract us.
- We would talk loudly and bring attention to ourselves.
- With food and drinks on the plane, we would forget why we’re there.
- We talk with our hands, therefore we would have to put our weapons down.
- We would ALL want to fly the plane.
- We would argue and start a fight in the plane.
- We can’t keep a secret, we would have told everyone a week before doing it.
- We would have put our country’s flag on the windshield.
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Cats
Cats no less liquid than their shadows Offer no angles to the wind. They slip, diminished, neat through loopholes Less than themselves; will not be pinned
To rules or routes for journeys; counter Attack with non-resistance; twist Enticing through the curving fingers And leave an angered empty fist.
They wait obsequious as darkness Quick to retire, quick to return; Admit no aim or ethics; flatter With reservations; will not learn
To answer to their names; are seldom Truly owned till shot or skinned. Cats no less liquid than their shadows Offer no angles to the wind.
-- A. S. J. Tessimond
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Vonnegut’s rules for short stories
Here’s some advice on writing short stories, from Kurt Vonnegut’s collection, Bagombo Snuff Box:
Use the time of a total stranger in such a way that he or she will not feel the time was wasted.
Give the reader at least one character he or she can root for.
Every character should want something, even if it is only a glass of water.
Every sentence must do one of two things – reveal character or advance the action.*
Start as close to the end as possible.
Be a sadist. No matter how sweet and innocent your leading characters, make awful things happen to them – in order that the reader may see what they are made of.
Write to please just one person. If you open a window and make love to the world, so to speak, your story will get pneumonia.
Give your readers as much information as possible as soon as possible. To heck with suspense. Readers should have such complete understanding of what is going on, where and why, that they could finish the story themselves, should cockroaches eat the last few pages.
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Unix sex
{look;find;talk;grep;touch;finger;find;flex;unzip; mount;workbone; fsck;yes;gasp;fsck;yes;eject;umount;makeclean;zip; split;done;exit}
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I liked the company of most of my colleagues, who were about evenly divided among good men who were good teachers, awful men who were awful teachers, and the grotesques and misfits who drift into teaching and are so often the most educative influences a boy meets in school. If a boy can’t have a good teacher, give him a psychological cripple or an exotic failure to cope with; just don’t give him a bad, dull teacher. –Robertson Davies “Fifth Business”
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Treehouse of Horror III : Evil Krusty Doll episode
Shopkeeper : “Take this object, but beware! It carries a terrible curse…” Homer : “Ooh, that’s bad!” Shopkeeper : “…but it comes with a free frogurt…” Homer : “That’s good!” Shopkeeper : “…the frogurt is also cursed…” Homer : “That’s bad!” Shopkeeper : “…but you get your choice of topping…” Homer : “That’s good!” Shopkeeper : “The toppings contain potassium benzoate…” Homer : … Shopkeeper : “That’s bad.” Homer : “Can I go home now?”
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Shopkeeper: Take this computer, but beware: Windows carries a terrible curse.
Customer: Ooooh, that’s bad.
Shopkeeper: But it comes with a free Media Player!
Customer: That’s good!
Shopkeeper: The Media Player is also cursed.
Customer: That’s bad.
Shopkeeper: But you get your choice of a free downloadable movie!
Customer: That’s good!
Shopkeeper: The movies contain Digital Rights Management technology.
Customer: [stares]
Shopkeeper: That’s bad.
Customer: Can I go now?
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