Overheard in New York
Bimbo tourist #1: Anyway, so when he pulled it out of me it made this farting noise, and I know it wasn’t a fart because it didn’t smell, and… It was just really embarrassing. Bimbo tourist #2: Quip. Bimbo tourist #1: What? Bimbo tourist #2: A quip. The farting noise, it’s called a ‘quip.’ Bimbo tourist #1: Oh, they have a name for it? Wow. Bimbo tourist #2: Oh, totally. It happens to a lot of people. Stranger: Um, that’s not right. Bimbo tourist #2: Excuse me, sir? Stranger: No, it’s ‘queef.’ Bimbo tourist #2: Wait, what? Bimbo tourist #1: I think he’s saying his name is ‘Queef’ or something. Bimbo tourist #2: Oh, sorry. Excuse me, Queef? Stranger: No… Oh, lord. The sound, it’s ‘queef.’ Bimbo tourist #2: Who’s a ‘queef?’ What’s going on? Bimbo tourist #1: I think he’s one of those crazy subway guys you hear about. I think he’s telling us he’s gay. Stranger: I can hear you, and I’m not… What? That’s ‘queer,’ you ingrate! Bimbo tourist #1: Here’s some money for you, sir. Buy your boyfriend a nice grocery cart or something. Stranger: What?! Does it look like I’m homeless to you? I’m wearing fucking YSL over here… I ain’t queer and I ain’t homeless. You ignorant, you skinny, Paris Hilton-wannabe whores. All I was saying to you was that when your sleazy-ass friend over here pulled her boyfriend’s dick out of her STD-ridden pussy, the word… Bimbo tourist #1: I’m not following… Is he speaking Cockney or something? Bimbo tourist #2: I don’t know. Are you allowed to mace crazy hobos? Stranger: …I’m not fucking crazy! Bimbo tourist #2: Of course you aren’t, sir. Passenger: Oh, shut your mouth, both of ya, or I’m gonna whoop both your scrawny asses, you hear? Stranger: Thank you. All I was saying was… Old lady: Ah, hell no! Can’t you see this conversation has gone past anyone in this damn subway’s comprehension? Know when to drop it, brother. Know when to drop it. Bimbo tourist #2: [Mouthing] Oh my god. Bimbo tourist #1: I know. That was intense. Stranger, muttering to himself: … Last time I ever take a subway… Unbelievable shit I put up with… Fucking Civics… Unreliable fuckers…
–L train
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Substitute teacher: How do you spell ‘attendance?’ Student: Oh, why? Are you doing a crossword puzzle? Substitute teacher: I’m taking attendance; what the fuck do you think I’m doing?
–Stuyvesant High School
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Mom to a seven-year-old kid on school bus: Fucking animal, I’ll fucking kill you! Seven-year-old bully: Suck my dick, you ugly bitch! Mom to son: Every fucking day! I can’t stand this shit!
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Black customer: Give me a yellow cash card, my brother. Middle Eastern owner: What’d you call me? Black customer: I said ‘my brother.’ Middle Eastern owner: No, no, no. We are different. Black customer: No, we’re not – we all come from the same place. We have the same blood. Middle Eastern owner: No, your blood is black – your blood is shit. Black customer: No, my blood is blue just like yours. Besides, if I don’t come here to your store to spend money, how are you going to afford the bombs to blow up buildings?
% Customer: Do you have pancetta? Deli guy: We have white cetta and orange cetta. [“cheddah”] Customer: Okay. Do you have prosciutto? %
Chick #1: So, Fred* and I got in a fight again last night, but we made up just as fast as it all started. I told him that I would let him fuck me in the ass if we can stop fighting for a month. Chick #2: Oh, yeah, good idea! That’ll work! %
Boyfriend: I’m sorry, I just can’t be with you anymore. You’re too clingy. Girlfriend: I’m not clingy! I fucked, like, ten other guys! Boyfriend: While we were dating? Girlfriend: Whatever, it was because you’re not that good in bed. Oh, yeah, I faked all my orgasms, by the way. And my boobs? –Aren’t water balloons! Boyfriend: Dude. First of all, we’re on a motherfucking-packed subway. Second of all, being a crazy bitch isn’t going to help your case. Girlfriend starts crying hysterically: You can’t break up with me! I love you! I love you! I love you! Stranger, to boyfriend: If you’re thinking of killing yourself after this, I sell knives.
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Girl: He was wearing a t-shirt that said ‘My Jewish Mother Gave Me Two Options: Law school or Medical school.’ Guy: I like that. I should make a shirt for my friend that says ‘My Irish Catholic Mother Gave Me Two Options: Marry the Asshole Who Knocked Me Up and Live a Life of Alcoholic Domestic Violence or Join the Sisters of Saint Ignatius.’ ‘Cause clearly she chose neither. Girl: What do you mean? Guy: She said, 'To hell with this religious bullshit,’ had an abortion, got her MBA, and is now a Junior VP at a Midtown PR firm. Girl: Are you trying to say that religion is bullshit? Guy, patting girl on head: No, sweetie. You go find yourself that guy wearing the Jewish mother t-shirt and you’ll be fine.
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Waitress: Hi, sweetie, how are you?! Can I get you some more coffee, sweetie? Sweetie, you look like you’ve had a rough night, can I get you something else? Queer looking up at waitress for a silent minute: Darling, I really hope this is your first day, ‘cause clearly you are not skilled in the art of serving New Yorkers. I don’t know how they do things down South, but here in the city you ask us what we want, you bring it to us, and you walk away. You don’t make small talk, you don’t ask what’s wrong, and you sure as fuck don’t call us 'Sweetie.’ Get it? Waitress: Well, screw you! I don’t need to sit here and listen to some bratty– Queer, clapping: –Yes! Just like that! Except next time, instead of ‘Screw you,’ I’d say ‘Fuck you.’ Much more effective. Now, may I please have a cup of coffee? Thanks, Georgia.
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Chick: Good-bye [departs train]. Guy #1: Good-bye. Guy #2: Eddie*, your sister is really pretty. Guy #3: Don’t call her that – ‘pretty’ is something you say about nice girls, not whores like that. Eddie: What are you talking about? Guy #3: Ed, don’t take it out on me, but at Dave’s birthday party your sister was in the bedroom working for 10 dollars. Eddie: … I’m gonna kill Dave. Why didn’t you tell me about this?! Guy #3: Because she was right there! [Silence, then Eddie departs.] Guy #2: 10 dollars? What’s her phone number? I’ve got 10 dollars. Guy #3: I know, best 10 bucks I ever spent.
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Kid: Dad, what’s a novel? Dad: It’s a story written down in a book. Kid: What’s a short story? Dad, staring at kid: Are you freakin' kidding me?
–Father Demo Square
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Thug #1: Damn, how come every time a nigga tries to ride the subway the damn cops got to search ‘im? Thug #2: Um, I dunno, maybe 'cause every time you see a cop, you yell, 'Oh, shit, the po-lice!’ Fuckin' dumbass. That wasted 10 fuckin' minutes! I’m not ridin' the train wit' you no more. Thug #1: Hey, it ain’t my fault! I’m from the projects. That’s, like, what we do!
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Preppy guy waiting for walk signal: Hi there. Hot girl: Um, do I know you? Preppy guy: No, I was just being friendly… Hot girl: Oh, yeah? Well then why don’t you say hi to her, too? [Points to fat chick nearby.] Preppy guy, to himself: God, I hate New Yorkers…
% Guy #1: Dude, let’s go see Fiddler on the Roof. I heard it’s sick. Guy #2: Oh, that’s the sequel to The Wizard of Oz, right? With the witch of the East… Right? Guy #1: Let’s go get high. Guy #2: Okay.
% Thug #1: Yo, fuck them ‘Free Yayo’ t-shirt whack shits. Thug #2: Them shits should say ‘Free Us from Yayo’ and on the back some ‘Whackness is a Crime’ shit. Cooold blooded! What ya’ll think? Thug #3: Some of you niggas need to get t-shirts that say ‘Free Us from Illiteracy and Ignorance.’
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Drunk girl, clearly underage: Hahaha… Drunk man, half-carrying her: Come on, let’s go get you pregnant. Drunk girl, gasping happily: I love babies!
–Grand Central
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Lady holding child’s hand: If one more person bumps into me today I am going to fucking kill them. Passerby: Good, lady, teach your child to be an asshole just like you. Kid: Fuck you, asshole! Passerby: See!
–Subway, 86th St
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Arrogant freshman: Well, I find the whole drafting process a little counter-redundant. Writing professor: No, it’s productive. Arrogant freshman: I tend to disagree. I think it’s counter-redundant. Writing professor: No, the word! The phrase is ‘counter-productive.’ [Mumbles] Fucking smartass.
–NYU
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Woman: I’m sorry, I have to admit, I’ve been reading over your shoulder. I kept seeing the word ‘creepy,’ and I was intrigued. Girl: Oh, yeah, it’s feedback from a writing workshop I’m in. Woman: For a story you wrote? Girl: Yeah. Woman: It sounds so interesting based on what people wrote about it. I’d love to read it some day! What’s it about? Girl: It’s a necrophilia love story…
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TA: Has anyone ever read Madame Bovary? [Class remains silent.] What the fuck do they have you guys reading these days?! I’m leaving.
–Sociology class, NYU
% Expert conversationalist: I’m just going to sit here and read. You can talk to me while I’m reading if you want.
–Cafe Henri, West Village
% Girl: The stupid freshmen are so irresponsible with their readings that the teacher has to give us a quiz on the readings every week! So now I actually have to have this all read before class.
–Washington Square Park
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Redhead on cell: I spoke to Mom today. She is writing a book! The Jewish Girl’s Guide to Riker’s Island.
–53rd & 3rd
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20-ish girl on cell: I don’t like this Barnes and Noble! All they have are books!
–Barnes & Noble
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Suit: I was up in Toronto last week. It was nice, but it was really cold. Guy: Yeah, it’s beautiful up there, but they get winter really early. It’s like that Shakespeare line, ‘It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.’ Suit: [Befuddled silence.]
–LIRR into Penn Station
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Teen girl #1: I have to write an expository essay on something that has impacted my life. Teen girl #2: Has anyone in your family ever died? Teen girl #1: Yeah, but no one, like, close to me. Teen girl #2: Do you have any, like, retards in your family? Teen girl #1: No, but I did meet a retard one time… He was, like, really retarded, too. Maybe I’ll write about that…
–F train
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Five-year-old boy: Daddy, why is Mommy crying? Unemotional father: Son, your mother is crying because you are an asshole.
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Woman: Do you have a non-fiction section? Book guy: Well, everything that’s not fiction is non-fiction. [Over] there’s cooking, and there’s history. Woman: No, that’s not what I asked. Do you have a section for non-fiction? Book guy: Well, there are no non-fiction novels. Everything here that’s not a novel is non-fiction. Woman: But you don’t have a non-fiction section? Book guy: No. Everything that isn’t fiction is non-fiction.
–Barnes & Noble, Staten Island
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Girl #1: Did you hook up with Josh last weekend? Girl #2: Yeah, we got really drunk and I blew him and we did anal. I dunno if I want to lose my virginity with him, though.
–86th St, Bay Ridge
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Now there’s a good start for your morning. Aren’t you glad you aren’t the father of a future 17 year old girl?
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Mom: So, you’re gay, right? Son: No, Mom, I’m not gay. Mom: Yes, you are. I’ve seen your clothes. Son: All the guys wear these. Mom: All the gay ones, maybe. Son: Go away. Mom: If you were straight, you wouldn’t have cried so much after you were pushed out of my vagina. Son: Actually, I think that proves my straightness. No straight guy could look at your cunt and not cry.
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Ghetto mama: Gimme some of yo' Skittles, boy. Little boy: No, they be my Skittles. Ghetto papa: Boy, you best to give yo' mama some Skittles or yo' ass is nevah gonna taste that rainbow again.
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Man: Do you wanna ride in the sidecar of my motorbike? My son does that all the time. We go really fast! Teen girl: Yeah, sure, I’d love to go in your pre-war sidecar. With a bit of luck all my friends will see me with some crazy bald man and that will be the end of my life. No, thanks!
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Little girl singing in stall: It’s okay that Mommy is a man, Mommy is a man, Mommy is a man! It’s okay that… Mom: Brooke! Jesus Christ! Little girl: Oh, Mommy is a man la la la la la! Can we get tacos?
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Lesbo: I’m just sick of everyone stereotyping and treating people based on race, sexual orientation, or whatever. Staight woman: Yeah, it’s hard to avoid. Lesbo: I know! And it’s like 2007! Everyone’s gay or lesbian. The stereotyping is everywhere – school, the gym, work. Straight woman: Oh, where do you work? Lesbo: Home Depot.
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Hoochie #1: Wait, he has a kid? Hoochie #2: Yeah! Crazy, right? Hoochie #1: So, are you going to be a step-mommy? Hoochie #2: No, no, no… Not a step-mommy. I’m the slutty, hot, 25-year-old that fucks Daddy.
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Hipster girl #1: I was blowing him and it was taking, like, 20 minutes, so I finally told him to hurry up since my jaw was hurting. Hipster girl #2: I hate that! How can they take that long to just finish? Suit nearby: If you would do it right, it would only take two minutes.
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Coworker #1: So what’ve you been up to? Coworker #2: The usual. Just whacked off. Coworker #1: Dude, you’re on speakerphone.
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Schoolgirl #1: You know that tall short blond girl? Schoolgirl #2: You just described about 250 girls in our school. Schoolgirl #1: Um… the one who isn’t a whore. Schoolboy: That narrows it down to about five.
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Suit: Hey, do you have a light? Polite Englishman: Sorry, I don’t smoke. Suit: I asked for a light, not your fucking life story.
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Black guy: Why would a young black girl dye her hair blonde? Looks terrible, y'know. Whitey: Um, yeah. Bad idea. Black guy: Bitch looked like a burnt grilled cheese sandwich.
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Fat guy: I love you. Cute girl: Do you really mean what you say, or are you just saying it? Fat guy: Of course I mean it. [They make out, then chick leaves.] What a dumb bitch.
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Italian conductor over loudspeaker: Everyone, get the fuck away from the doors and get on this fucking train. Every fucking day the same shit. You’re only hurting yourselves, morons! Fucking inconsiderate assholes. You either get on or get the fuck off! Conductor #2: Mike, man, come on. Italian conductor: Fuck this, man. We’re going express!
–7 train, Junction Blvd
Man, slamming on hood of taxi inching forward: Hey! I’m walkin' here! [Turns to people behind him] Where’s that from? Lady passerby: Midnight Cowboy!
–50th & Broadway
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Teen girl #1: How many guys have you slept with? Teen girl #2: Let’s see… There was the rape – haha, remember that? I don’t count him. Then there were the two guys I had butt sex with. Let’s not count that either. I’d say about nine? I can’t remember the exact number. Teen girl #1: Oh, you’re fine, then.
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Toddler in stroller: Fuck you! Hahaha! Fuck you! Hahaha! Tourist mom: Did that baby just say ‘fuck you’? This is the tenth time we’ve been to the city, and I’ve never seen anything that odd. Tourist daughter: We are on Canal Street, Mom. Tourist mom: This is very true. Way to go, stroller kid! Yeah!
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White mom: Which kitty is your favorite? Little girl holding book of baby animals: The black one! Mom: The black one? He sure is a cute kitty. Little girl, loudly: Once you go black, you never go back! Passing thug, flashing her a thumbs-up: Word! White mom: I don’t care what your father says, we are so moving to Westchester.
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Man #1: What is going on here? Man #2: They are filming the new Sex in the City movie with Sarah Jessica Parker. They have the entrance to the subway blocked off. Man #1: Wonderful. I wouldn’t even know what Sarah Jessica Parker looks like. Woman nearby: Hi. I’m Sarah Jessica Parker. Man #1: Nice to meet you. Can I go home now? Sarah Jessica Parker: Sure, go ahead.
–Outside 6 train entrance
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Effeminate thug: Look at all the couples around us! They’re happy! Why can’t we be like that?! Bimbette: I’m happy! Effeminate thug: Well, I’m not. I don’t understand why you have to keep lying to me and acting like it’s all a joke. Bimbette: Because I’m happy! Effeminate thug: That’s it, I’m leaving. Bimbette: Want a blowjob? Effeminate thug: … Okay.
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Teen guy #1: Yo, I was Christmas shopping with Julia and her other friend at Sephora, and they got the weirdest fuckin' gift for Anne. Teen girl: What was it? Teen guy #1: Well, we walked into the store, and Julia asked if they sold this cream that you put on your ass that takes away, like, stretch marks and pimples on your ass and shit. It was fuckin' nasty. They got her ass cream. Teen guy #2: That’s fuckin' weird, yo. It’s like, ‘Oh, Anne, I was thinking of getting you this really nice sweater for Christmas–’ ‘–Forget the sweater! All I want is some Grade A ass cream!’
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LI girl: Wait, where’s the milk for the coffee? Cashier: The sugar’s right here. LI girl: No, I want milk. Don’t you have any milk in this whole place? For coffee? Cashier: No, because you said you want regular. LI girl: Yeah, regular – like ‘not decaf.’ Cashier: No. Regular is ‘no milk.’ LI girl: No. Black is like this – ‘no milk.’ Cashier: No. Black is ‘not hazelnut.’ Onlooker: Learn how to order or get out of the way.
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Man #1: It seems my first wife put my name down on a job application as a reference. Man #2: Oh, yeah? How do you know? Man #1: Somebody called me yesterday and asked, ‘Can you tell us something about her?’ Man #2: What did you say? Man #1: I said, ‘She can’t cook and she’s lousy in bed! As long as the job don’t require that, I guess she’d be good.’ Man #2: What an idiot!
–LIRR % Girl to friend: I think I just saw the guy I was with last night. Friend: You gonna go say something to him? Girl: No way! First he made me give him a handjob for like an hour, then he shot right in my eye. I think it’s still red. Friend: Your eye or his cock? Girl: Either way, no second date. %